Thursday, 28 February 2013

Twittering Thursdays....I'm a Co-host yay!!

Welcome to Twittering Thursdays Twitter Hop!

Social networks is a great way to spread the word about your blog and get people reading!! It is also one of the largest traffic hits for my little corner in the blogosphere! I'm so grateful to Deandra over at Chaos, Commotion, Emotion for allowing me to co-host in todays Twitter hop!
So....
Get your butts over there and check her out! You won't regret it! ;-)
BUT...
While you're already here, how abouts linkin' up with us!
AND...
Since you're already busy with it...Twitter around and Tweet a few Peeps and make some new bloggy friends!!
Don't forget to follow your hosts ;-) Drop me a message to let me know you're following me through the link up so I can follow back!!
And spread the word....jeeze it doesn't help us we keep it in our inner circles! Shout it from the tops of your bloggy mountains! Okay?? Got that?? Right! GO!!! ;-)





This week's Co-Hosts are Shana from Organized Chaos and Krystal from Krystal's Kitsch. Please stop by say hi and follow them back!


Are you interesting in Co-Hosting next Thursdays Twitter Hop?  Email Deandra at phillipsdeandra@gmail.com

There is no charge to participate!


Please help spread the news about this TWITTER HOP!

Its only appropriate to TWEET about it!



RULES:

Please follow each hostess.









2. Leave a comment if you are new and want us to return the follow.

3. Grab the button and display it on your sidebar or link it to the post.

4. Have fun and meet new friends!






This post is sponsored by:





Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me! Shana..

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

It's this anxiousness...

I’ve tried long and hard to find out exactly where it all began. But like with most things…it was a slow onset. There isn’t a defining moment. I didn’t wake up with an epiphany one morning and realize ‘oh…I have PPD.’
No, it was small changes that slowly occurred. Part of me believes it is even possible that I started on my path before LJ was even born. I stressed about finances, I stressed about adding another child to Lil Mister. I stressed about my marriage. And I stressed about leaving my work to pile up.
I allowed the stress to eat at me. I allowed it to consume my every function. So…I did what I do best. I started planning.
I planned my maternity leave to a T. Then my boss decides to let me go a week early!!! I was grateful and God knew what he was doing, but He was messing with MY plans. I should know better than to question.
LJ was supposed to come on the 15th exactly. No earlier and no later because that was our Oupa’s birthday whom we gave LJ his name! Then I woke up that Wednesday on the 12th and knew that LJ was messing with MY plans.
Labor went easy but I wasn’t supposed to take medication. I took a spinal because my mind couldn’t cope with how quickly I was progressing. I was messing with MY plans.
Do you see a pattern beginning to occur?
I have a strong problem with letting go of MY plans. However, very rarely do things go exactly as planned.
Take yesterday for instance. I got off work and was going to go straight to the bank. That was the plan. Yet, Lil Mister was still at school and Hubby couldn’t leave work. So, I went to the school and waited for him to wake up from nap time.
Then I had to pump milk. So I went home. This was not planned because I didn’t want LJ to see or hear me and then I leave again. He is used to a routine and now I was messing with the routine.
I was only suppose to go to one bank. But the banks messed it up and I had to go to a different branch.
All of this adds to me and I start to get stressed. Needless to say, by the time we got to the grocery store as planned I was lost. Luckily Lil Mister was SO well behaved. I think he is already learning about what happens when you mess with MY plans! Lol
Back on point….
That first night in the hospital after labor, I couldn’t sleep. LJ wasn’t waking up to eat. Everything I knew about breastfed babies told me that he should be eating about every 2 hours. It had been 6 hours since his last feed. The nurses assured me it was okay. Therefore I formulated a new plan. I would wake him every four hours.
The next day it goes perfect….for the first half. The first three feeds were just on schedule. He woke up on his own for his fourth feed right on time…but never ended his feed. He fed and fed and fed. I began to get irritated. I was tired. I hadn’t slept.
Everytime he’d be done eating they’d come in for one thing or another. First, the nurses come to check on my vitals. Then LJ’s pediatrician comes to check on him. Then they bring breakfast. Then Hubby Dearest comes. Then it is bath time for LJ. Then we eat again. Then my doctor comes. Then the nurses again. Then Hubby has to leave. Then I bath. It just never stopped. So at 7pm that night when he began eating on schedule I thought perfect!
He would eat and then we’d sleep. But he just kept going. Finally, at midnight, I laid him down and walked down the hall to the nurses. He cried. I cried. The nurses understood.
I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept but about 3 hours in 3 segments since giving birth and now my newborn had been at the breast for 5 hours!
They convinced me to allow a supplement feeding through a syringe. This WAS NOT in MY plans!
I began stressing that my milk wasn’t enough. I stressed that after formula he wouldn’t go back to the breast. I felt like I was failing already.
LJ took the formula through a syringe. We burped him to make sure all the winds were out. I held him until he slept and then the nurses took him for the next 5 hours. I needed to rest.
It wasn’t in my plans for him to sleep AWAY from me AT ALL!
My anxiety levels had peeked and refused to come down.
I slept….hard. When the nurses woke me three hours later to check vitals I was barely aware. They later told me that I then asked for LJ and they had said they’d bring him. But I fell so quickly back to sleep they left me to rest.
When I finally did wake up, I immediately, with tears in my eyes, went searching for him. He was calm and resting peacefully in the nursery. He was content. I was a wreck. I picked him up and held him crying. After that I wouldn’t let them take him away from me at all!
They were trust worthy and my baby was PERFECTLY healthy but I was so scared not to have him with me. I feared us being separated as if I was going to loose him.
I stayed an extra night in the hospital to ensure he was latching and feeding properly but I still didn’t rest. I lied to the doctors and said I was well rested the next day and anxious to get home.
In reality…I was just anxious.
It was this anxiousness that never left me. It was this anxiousness that slowly crept into each and every part of my life. It was this anxiousness that led me to sit where I do today.
It is still with me.
When we talk about me returning to a full day work day, I start to get panic. The anxiousness consumes me. I can’t sit still anymore. I worry incessantly about what will happen with my children. My mind races constantly and I battle to keep a train of thought.
The anxiousness wraps it’s spider-like web around each and every aspect of my life.

If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.
And please don’t feel alone!

If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little email or drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!




Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!
Shana..

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

I've lost it....

It’s half past eleven on a Sunday. I should be sleeping and enjoying this but….I’m writing this for your enjoyment instead.
I know I’m a great friend.
Lil Mister and Oupa are doing this….

And LJ is doing this….


















But I’m doing this!
Yes, I’m writing in Word. Internet is expensive in the third world so I write everything here then copy and paste. I’m economical!
Right now, at the current state of our lives, economical is a favorite word among ‘the wives.’ I don’t know if you picked up on it, but last year signified the end of any of our close friends being ‘single.’ Not that any of them actually were single. They were all coupled up but not hitched. Now they are.
So now…we are the wives! ;-)
Anytime we discuss getting together, we discuss what would be economical.
‘Let’s invite everyone over for a braai!’
‘Why yes, Hubby Dearest, a braai sounds so lekker! A fat steak, some wors, a garlic bread, and some brandy and coke. Hmm….but wouldn’t a mince pasta be more economical!’
‘We should all go see a movie.’
‘I’ve been dying to see the new Twilight, but I think we should be economical and check what is playing on TV.’
You get the picture!
Back on track. My Sunday morning has been completely off track. Actually, every weekend is off track lately. Ouma and our brother came to visit this weekend….here is my morning so far!
5:00- MAMA…MAMA….ek dudu here (translate Lil Mister screaming he wants in my bed)
                Ok…climb up. (Lil Mister: Scramble, kick, push on my belly, wiggle, squirm, flip over, wiggle….me: sigh)
                Papa….skaif (translate….move over) (Lil Mister: scramble, kick, wiggle, flip, wiggle…me: sigh)
5:15- peace and quiet
5:17- MAMA….MAMA…ek soek tee (I want tea)
                (me: sigh….get out of bed…make tea)
5:20- peace and quiet
5:21- LJ is awake to eat…insert breast…close eyes
5:25- burp, flip sides….insert breast…close eyes
5:30- burp
5:35- (Lil Mister: wiggle, squirm, wiggle, flip) Mama…ek dudu floor
                Me: okay
5:40- MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA
                Me: WHAT?!?!
                Klar floor dudu, ek speel (I’m done sleeping I want to play)
5:45- grab LJ head back to Lil Misters room.
Why did I think I would sleep in…I’m not sure. I don’t remember changing his nappy in the night. Why is there a nappy on the floor in the hall? What is that smell? Side track to follow smell…..the culprit is found in the bathroom. I did not change his nappy. He took it off and left me a lovely present in the potty. Lay LJ in his crib. Distract Lil Mister with a tractor. Clean potty. Make coffee. Sit down on bedroom floor.
5:50- I attempt to relax to the enlightening sounds of a two year old making car noises. Take time to plan the day. Clean kitchen, do laundry, make breakfast, say goodbye to Ma and brother, clean lounge, scrub oven, do sewing while Lil Mister sleeps.
6:00- why is LJ awake again. OMW….that is a poo-splosion! Okay…move laundry up..must scrub now. Change nappy. What on earth am I eating that can be making your bum do that….oh oh are you kidding me?!? Did you just poo more why I’m wiping you? You…you better not….you are NOT smiling. This is not funny. (gag…cough…gag) Okay it’s funny that you think it’s funny. Stop…I’m suppose to be strong. Do…not…laugh…okay I’m laughing. Let me just drop our shirts in the bathroom sink with some water I’ll scrub them now. First…more coffee.
6:05- sit to drink coffee…..when is everyone going to wake up…yes Lil Mister it feels great for you to ram the hot wheels into my feet. Thank you….I’m slowly loosing it. They’re dragging me in. I cannot fight it any longer…and I’m lost in a world of toys.
6:30- Ma’s awake…I’ll make coffee.
And here is where it goes all to heck….(as if there was much structure so far!)
Now Lil Mister is out of his room. That was the cue. We’re no longer holding him back.
He must eat breakfast. He has medicine to take.
‘Will you eat cereal.’
‘Eat cereal’
‘What cereal?’
‘Cereal?’
‘Choose’ as I take out two boxes.
‘Choose’ as he takes both boxes.
I give up and poor some of each in a bowl.
He takes bowl puts in on his table and goes outside.
‘No, no, no. Cereal eat.’
‘Kick ball’
‘Cereal eat’
‘Ride bike’
‘CEREAL EAT’
Shaking head yes with a sly smile ‘cereal eat’
Okay, we’re back inside. When did his underpants end up in the lounge on the couch? Yes, look at these couches. I must clean them today. Add that to the list. The list….the kitchen….crap the shirts that need scrubbed! I better go do that now.
‘Okay, Lil Mister…eat!’
‘Eat.’
Let me just go to the bathroom. Oh, Pa and Hubby dearest are now awake. Let’s just have coffee first. Boil kettle and go to the bathroom.
Come back to kitchen.
Lil Mister is no where insight. Cereal is still on the table. I hear him…oh he’s in the fridge. Oh now you want yogurt. Fine…okay….just eat!
Make coffee. Sit down…drink coffee.
Get a duvet in washing machine.
LJ is awake again. Okay feed LJ.
Hubby Dearest leaves for work.
Ma wants photos loaded to her phone before she leaves.
Clean some dishes.
Lil Mister has spread yogurt on my window.
Kick a ball outside with Lil Mister.
Say goodbye to Ma.
Make coffee….OMW…it’s 11 o’clock!
Therefore…my day has accomplished very little I planned and the time has slipped through my fingers like it was water. Do you ever have days like this?
....Coffee is all that makes it better....

Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!
Shana..

Monday, 25 February 2013

5 for Five

Do you tend to set goals only to see them slide down your priority lists? Do you want to make your goals each week to create a better more efficient you?
Do you want to start making goals?
Monday is the day for {5 for Five} with Jenn and Jessica! This link up allows you to come and share your top 5 goals for the week ahead. Link up with us and share what you accomplished last week AND what goals you're setting for yourself the week ahead.  (Still need a little clarification? That's okay! Check out Jessica's summary of the link up here!)


http://jkthomas87.blogspot.com/
PartyOfOne


So....I have an obsession with planners, journals, logs, and goals. I feel the insanity of it all is what keeps me sane! With all that I do (and don't do!), it's a great idea if I share some of my weekly goals with you and how I 'attack' them in my daily life. Goals are the structure to my life!
{2 for 5}
1) 4x Runs and 4x Cross Training I'm still not quite there :-/ This is upsetting me terribly. I did get in 3 of my runs and 2 cross training. 
2) Take one night for myself! I did this and it made all the difference. It was totally worth it. I've decided to do it EVERY Wednesday. I need the break!
3) Clean and prep at night! Success. My mornings went so much easier. I even made smoothies for breakfast twice last week because it was so simple!
4) Do a devotion every morning. I did find the devotions I want to do so now it is just a matter of doing them!
5) Establish a morning routine to fit everything in. I'm waking up earlier and had two successful mornings. I'm still battleing with getting LJ to eat earlier than 5am! I know I'm the only crazy mother in the world that wants her infant awake at 4 am!!
 
1) 4x Runs and 2x Cross Training
I've decided to keep this goal another week. I will not change a goal until I meet it 100%!!
I need to focus on my physical health. I LOVE running. If you didn't know that, clickity click that little tabby in the balloon over there >>>>>> that says running! I have to plan to get this in with two kids and a ful time job, but it is well worth it! I've cut my cross training back to twice a week. I did some research and with as much running as I'm trying to get in and I do yoga twice a week, 4 gym sessions aren't really necessary. Although I'd still like to get there!
2) Complete Pinterest activity with Lil Mister
I'm always seeing a ton of ideas on Pinterest that I want to do with Lil Mister. I want to do at least one a week in an afternoon with him!
3) Finish my day planner
My day planner is my ball and chain. I cannot live without it however. It is a little bit behind. I haven't finished creating the following year! I'd like to finish that this week and get some printables up for people to grab. I'm sure there are other planners that work great but for someone like me who has a house to manage, a blog, a full-time job, and her personal fitness....well I need an all in one!!
4) Do a devotion every morning.
I've decided to keep this goal another week. I will not change a goal until I meet it 100%!!
I used to be very good about my daily devotionals. But during my maternity leave I wasn't checking my emails as regular and fell behind. I need to get back to spending that time with God everyday at the beginning of the day.
5) Establish a morning routine to fit everything in.
I've decided to keep this goal another week. I will not change a goal until I meet it 100%!!
Winter is quickly approaching here and it will be getting lighter later. I need to soak up the opportunity to run in the am while I still can. I need to establish LJ into a feeding routine that allows me to get out the door in the morning. Come winter, I will crosstrain in the morning and run in the afternoons. LJ is eating at my run time right now so I need to get him moved back by about an hour!
 
So, there you have it! Those are MY goals for the week ahead!
What about you?! What are you setting out to do?! 
Link up and let us know! 


By the way, if you decided to link up with us today (THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!) we just ask that you follow good 'blogging manners' & do the following itty bitty things....


1) Please use the button (see sidebar) and/or link back to Jenn's or Jessica's blog- or both!

2) Pretty, pretty please follow Jessica  & Jenn! It helps us get to know you better! Plus, we love having new friends!

3) Jump around! Go have fun and meet some new friends! Maybe you'll find motivation in someone else post OR perhaps you'll be able to offer them some encouragement. We have some wonderful ladies linking up with us so I'd encourage you to get to know them! 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin


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Shana..

MHO-Monday Mingle

mondaymingle


Welcome back to the Monday Mingle!
Hosted by

This Week's Theme: SECRETS

This Week's Questions:

1. Without giving to much info, what is the biggest secret you've ever kept?

Ooohh….it had to do with a Christmas present. I couldn’t tell anyone except my then best friend Amy. Ya see peeps….
My Daddy-o had bought this really awesome leather jacket it Las Vegas one year. It was his most prized possession. Besides me that is ;-) It had an American flag with the words ‘God Bless America’ embroidered around it. It hung on the back of his drivers seat in his semi. He always got a ton of comments about that jacket. Then one winter….one terrible night. His truck was broke into and they stole the jacket. Just that jacket! It made him so upset he came home from being on the road…ON A WEDNESDAY. Yes…that’s right my peeps. My Daddy-o mourned his jacket.
So…I was such a great daughter that I got this bright idea some 5 years later that I would get him another one. This was our first Christmas with my parents divorced so I really wanted it to be special. First, was to track down the original flag jacket at Wilson’s leather. It was discontinued. BUT….an outlet store had one about an hour and a half away. So at 14 years old…I told some white lies about where I was and Amy drove me to buy the jacket. After that, I had to hide it. This was in September. We moved during this time.
I stressed and lost sleep about how to get that jacket out of my house without my dad seeing it. I was obviously successful.
I didn’t realize then how much work it would be to have someone embroider leather. They just don’t want to do it! I finally found one place in town. They charged me a ridiculous amoung (more than what I paid for the coat!) and made me sign a letter saying they were not responsible for damages to the coat. I explained how special this was and the whole story. They promised to do their best.
The jacket turned out perfect. My Daddy-o cried when he opened it Christmas morning and couldn’t even tell people the story for the next year! It is still special to him!
Was that too much info...sorry!

2. Have you ever kept a secret from your Significant Other? Do you think he/she has kept any from you?

Other than surprises about birthdays or friends visiting no. Outside of the same reasons…not that I’m aware of.

3. Who is the first person you would automatically want to tell a secret to?

 I don’t have a lot of secrets. But Hubby Dearest. I tell people when they tell me something that I’m going to tell him, obviously unless they tell me not to!  

4. Any secrets you want to get off your chest? Even if it's from the third grade, still counts.
Not that I can think of.  

5. Are you good at keeping secrets? Why or why not?
 

Yes. I hate it when I confide in someone and they share that with others, so I am very protective over what people tell me!  

Okay, now it's your turn. Grab the button and questions and repost on your page!!! You don't have to answer the questions, you can just repost the button. Link your post up and mingle with other bloggers!!! No rules, just meet new people!
Next week's theme: DRAMA


Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me! Shana..

Friday, 22 February 2013

Fitness Fridays {week 8}


Recap:
February 11- February 17
This was a hectic week and signified week two of being back to work. We have yet to get a morning routine down for me to run/train in the mornings and I’m on the verge of giving up! GRR!!!
Okay, you know I won’t give up, but really…it is SO hard to change an infants sleeping patterns. Then he smiles at me with this naughty little smile every morning when I finally pry myself from our duvet and his love to go shower as if he has once again won the battle.
You may have won the battle little dude but I will win this war! ;-)
I got 3 of my 4 runs in and two cross training days. Not as good as I’d hoped but I slacked the weekend. MIL and Vin came to visit us again so I kind of threw my plans out the window. We only see them once a month right now so I wasn’t wasting any time away from them! I don’t regret it mentally but I can feel in my body I’m regretting it physically!! Long breaks are not good right now!

Future outlook:
My training to run 30 minutes in 6 weeks is completed now! I’m super excited and although it is still difficult I’m achieving it! Since I got a week behind, I have to make that up now. This was suppose to be a little bit of a rest for me where I dropped down to only running 3km per run and work myself back up. However, I’m scratching that plan and jumping right in. Let’s see how it goes right! ;-)
February 25- March 3
4x cross training (2x full body 2x abs)
2x 5km runs combined with 5x strides work
6 km run with 2x 5min bursts at SS
6-8 km ‘long run’ at a slow, steady pace

Wish me luck and stay tuned next week!


If you’re at all interested in what I’m doing or getting yourself back into shape can I please encourage you to check out two of my favourite mommy runners! These women love being mommies and their health and continually inspire me!

Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me! Shana..

Thursday, 21 February 2013

100 for 100

I like to talk about me
And teaching my child how to wee.
I like to talk about my life
And how special it is to be a wife.

I started blogging to let go
And added a recipe just for show.
Bringing out in me a new side
Come jump on and join the ride!

A hundred words for a hundred posts
I betcha wish this was a silly roast!
I’m glad I’ve done it
This is my little bit!

Thank you for reading
From my open heart I’m bleeding
Each day on this electrical paper just for you!


Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!
Shana..

TT- Things that I Love

It becomes all too easy to focus on the negative things in life. I was always told by my grandma to decide how I want the day to be and what I want my attitude to be for the day before I ever got out of bed in the morning. She said that if I did this and focused on it, then that is how it would be. It's hard to be negative if you are focusing on the positive.
Jenn asked us to talk about the things that we love in life. Not the people! So here is mine:

* the smell of rain on a summers afternoon
* the sound of my childrens laughter first thing in the morning
* getting flowers for no reason
* hot cocoa under a duvet on a cold winters night
* colored pens
* scary movies
* romantic movies
* a good book on a Saturday morning
* that first cup of coffee in the day
* coffee at 3 am with MIL
* random texts just to say I hope you're having a good day
* glasses of wine with my girlfriends
* music blarring through my ears as I run
* running
* exhaustion from a productive day
* Hubby's love for me
* Hubby's support for my desires
* cooking (and Hubby loving my cooking!)
* baking with Lil Mister
* spinning in circles with my son till we're sick
* watching Lil Misters face light up from pure innocent joy
* random acts of kindness
* an understanding smile in the grocery store (when you're kids are pulling out your hair!)
* kisses....lots of kisses
* a new purse/scarf
* an old purse/scarf
* listening to an elder tell a story from the 'old days'
* helping an elderly person
* giving to orphans (their joy is priceless)
* the smell of fresh cut grass
* sitting on the river bank with my family
* camping
* a late night full of close friends
* a lekker braai
* the silence of my house at 2 am when everyone is asleep
* looking at the stars with my family
* tickle fights
* being held by Hubby Dearest in the night
* surprises
* reality TV :-/
* board games
* bedtime stories
* shopping with girlfriends
* a hot, bubble bath
* long talks on the telephone
* handwritten letters
* the ocean/the beach
* sunsets/sunrises
* afternoon photo sessions with nature
* getting to watch the wild animals

Okay....this is addictive! As you can see it becomes quite easy to think of all the things that bring joy to your life! Why don't you try it?!? Link up with us and read what others have to say too!

* OOOHHH....and ALL OF YOU!!!! I love you....sorry Jenn had to do it!




Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!
Shana..

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

The War Inside

I lie in bed staring at the ceiling. The alarm went off ages ago. I don’t want to know about the day ahead of me.
I sit in the silence. It feels like it is suffocating me. I can feel my body beginning to tense. My heart is racing far too fast for my still body.
The kids are quiet…to quiet. Why aren’t they awake? Don’t wake up. Not now.
I close my eyes. I’m not ready to face to day. I can’t handle another step forward. Time is standing still. I’m not coping with all of this. It is impossible for anyone to successfully take care of two kids these ages and a house. Hubby Dearest is unreasonable for expecting it of me.
This angers me. Why can’t he see how hard it is for me? Why does he listen to all these women who LIE and say it’s possible?
These ridiculous women with 5 kids. They get help from their husbands. That is how they do it. They LIE to me…to everyone….about how they manage. They’re screaming on the inside….just….like….me.
Lil Mister is crying. He’s awake. Why does he have to cry so much? Other two year olds don’t wake up crying…every….frackin….day. When will this be over? What am I suppose to do today?
I scream on the inside.
I get up. I go to Lil Mister. I feel guilty for getting upset that he is crying. I cry. Then I get angry that I’m crying over something so ridiculous.
Why won’t Hubby dearest get up? I know I’m still on maternity leave, but really! It is 6 am already!! Why is he so lazy? I have to be up so he must get up! His job isn’t nearly as difficult as me being at home!
LJ wants to eat again. That is all I do….feed him and keep Lil Mister from breaking down the house.
Why is it so hard? Why can’t I get a break just one day?
Maybe I can just walk out the door and not look back….No NO. I could never leave my babies. I cry again having thought this. They deserve a better mom. One who can handle this better?
Lil Mister is bored. He’s frustrated. I’m screaming. I’m just so angry. All the time…I’m angry. WHY????
I lie down at night. I stare at the ceiling. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I want to sleep but it doesn’t come. My head hurts because I’m so tired.
I feel lost in a dark world. Everyday it’s like I can’t see past this black fog that drapes my mind, my emotions, my life. Every now and then I try to stretch my arms out and reach for something…anything…anyone. But I retreat. Nothing will change this. No one can understand.
Why has everyone abandoned me? Why do they keep saying they understand? They cannot possible understand! If they understood they wouldn’t keep saying it gets better!
The anger and irritation is absorbing me. It is becoming all of me. Everything everyone does bothers me. I can’t stick to a routine. I’m lost in my own head.
I feel like a lion trapped in a cage and like a boat lost at sea all at once.
The weight is heavy on my shoulders; crushing on my chest…..

Have any one you ever felt like this? This is how it was for me after LJ was born. The first couple of weeks were great. We were falling into a routine and everything seemed so much better than I had thought possible.
But around week 3 after LJ was born, everything started going south very quickly. Hubby dearest thought it was too boring for Lil Mister at home and that is why he was acting up so much. I resented him for this because it felt like he was trying to deprive me of my time with my kids before I went back to work.
I was irrationally angry all the time at everything that everyone did. I was unreasonable in my expectations of Lil Mister and I couldn’t cope if the day went slightly off track of what I planned. Most days I wouldn’t even bath until evening because I just couldn’t manage my time.
It was so easy for me to just stare off into the nothingness during the time the kids slept.
I would punish Lil Mister for being naughty and then cry because I punished him.
He felt it. LJ felt it. We all felt it.
I thought returning to work would make the difference. Settle into a routine and get out of the house is what I kept telling myself.
It didn’t help though. In the afternoons I was even more angry and upset.
I decided I had to talk to a doctor. This was probably the single most emotional doctor’s appointment I’ve ever had.
I debated going in. I finally decided it wasn’t okay for my children to suffer because of my stubbornness. They did deserve better. Not a better mom than me…no. Just the best version of myself that I could be!

Have you ever felt like this? Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe you don’t battle with anger, but you might be weepy. Maybe you aren’t irritable but still feel lost in a haze of one day blurred into another.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to share with you my ‘uphill’ battle with PPD.
I battled after Lil Mister was born for months and never sought help. My weight dropped to 44kg and I never had energy. I ate normal so we didn’t understand. It was an internal battle that was raging inside of me. It affected my health, my family, and my relationships.
Luckily, for me, my love for my son helped keep me centered and the never ending support of my family secured my safe return.  When I started working out and exercising again, it got better and when I fell pregnant with LJ my hormones leveled out.
I knew going into this labor that I might face these demons again. I thought this time the exercise and training would help.
I figured knowing the warning signs would mean I could prevent it and fight it off on my own! I was WRONG!

If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.
And please don’t feel alone!

 If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little email or drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!
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Shana..

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

It Haunts Me....

There it stands. It haunts my every trip to the grocery store.

As Lil Mister and I approach the entrance to the store, I plot ways to avoid it’s glare as I make my way through the aisles.
My attempts always fail. No matter which lane I choose I know Lil Mister has sat so well for only one reason.
As we approach the checkout I keep telling myself to be strong. I tell myself to tell him no. But dang it he has been so well behaved!
His eyes begin to gloss over feeling he’s lost his chance. His little two year old heart is breaking.

He holds up his hand to make a little number one.
‘Net een, mama?’ (Only one, mama??)
How can I say no to that face?
The smile he evokes is tremendous and makes it worth my day.


And the additional R20 car that will clutter with all of the rest. ;-)



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Shana..

Monday, 18 February 2013

Back to work...back to work...oh jerk!

That's right...I've gone back to work!
I can't believe the time went so quickly.
I started back February 4 and my LJ turned 8 weeks on the 6th.
It seems like I didn't have enough time at home. I battled so much with the idea of returning. I had agreed before I left for maternity leave that I'd be back the first week in February and I'm not one to go back on my word.
I've been blessed in that I found an amazing girl to work in the house while I'm away. LJ now stays at home with her rather than going to creche so early and as an added bonus...my house is clean and ironing is done EVERYDAY! Call me spoilt...I call in job creation! ;-)
LJ really does like her and is amazing for her. He never cries and is all smiles when I get home in the afternoons!
Lil Mister started a new school and I'm in heaven with it. The teacher is so amazing, easy to talk to and very honest. In his first week they already had projects up that they'd done. As well as, we got this cool little binder. About half the normal size. Each week they put a note in with the learning theme and what the kids will be doing. All communication is through the book. I love it!
He is doing great and adjsuted within the first week! I'm so proud of him!
To be honest, it's good for me to have the break as well. I love my children but as I've stated before...I'm not so much good at the whole stay at home thing.
I felt like I was becoming lost in a dark abyss.
So I'd like to share with you what I learnt in my first week back at work!!!
1) My co-workers do not find it amusing that I say 'shoo-shoo coffee is shoo-shoo' when placing their coffee at their desks.
2) No one needs to hold my hand while sitting on the potty....apparently they are big enough not to fall in.
3) It is inappropriate behavior to eat the left overs from their lunches because...well food just doesn't need to go waste. In society, we eat on our own plates.
4) Discussing how the characters in Barney get into their costumes is not considered intelligent conversation.
5) I do not need to verbalize all of my actions so that nothing unexpected is happening. Adults do not throw tantrums at the unknown (okay not normally!) and therefore continuously stating "I'm just going to the back office" or "I'm going pee-pee I can still hear you" are unnecessary and typically unwelcome.
6) Slippers and yoga pants do not qualify as having gotten dressed for the day.
7) Asking my co-workers at 30 minute intervals if they need to use the potty is not only inappropriate but annoying.
8) We listen to adult music and singing along to the theme of Lollos that is playing in my head is invasion of their sanity.
9) They do not need me to access the color of their snot for infection. They apparently blow their noses and discard of it.
10) I have spent way too much time perusing the internet in search of childrens activities......a glass of wine at 2pm is no longer acceptable :-/

Hehe okay but really here is what I looked like my first day back!


Very professional right!!

I walked into this.....
And that was only half the filing!

So...I did this...
And this....
;-)

I eventually was caught up on the filing by Thursday. And I've spent my time since then catching up on the debitors! We have a month until our year end and then I start afresh....so until then! ENJOY! ;-)

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Shana..

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