What am I supposed to do now....

This is an extremely hard post for me to write.
I had something else planned. (I should know about plans by now.)
But I feel I just need to get it out there.
February is a month I hate. And no it isn't because of Valentines day.
As I wrote last week, I lost a VERY close friend in February 7 years ago.
In the last 15 years or so, I've lost A LOT of people in the month of February. I've lost grandparents, friends, a pastor, and loved ones. February seems to be a cursed month in my eyes. It totals more than 10 people I've loved.
2013 is proving to follow suit and it makes me want to crawl into a hole out of grasps of the pains in this world.
I received a message from my mother last week Thursday.
My uncle who was only 31 passed away in an accident at work.
I'm shocked....I'm discontent....I'm disconnected.
You see...
The pain is there. The realization that I will never again see this beloved friend is there.
But I'm not there. I'm here. I'm alone in all of this.
Hubby Dearest knows. He understands. He sympathizes. But as before I try to hide the pain away. It isn't fair he feels anything negative.
There is a guilt that comes with these situations. A guilt for us both that I am here and unable to be there.
I've learnt coping mechanisms over the years. I will speak regularly with my family. I will write. I will cry in silent waves as I shower or bath. My children will not know. My husband will not see. After a couple of months, the emails between my family and I will slow to a normal pace and the pain will fade into the background.
But I'm not there to say my goodbyes. I'm not there for the closure of seeing his face one last time. I'm not there to hold and be held by those in the midst of loss.
So the next time it happens...I relive this one too. Each time I loose someone...I live them all from before. There is no closure. There is no way to make my mind let go. I just keep in bottled. I keep it hidden. I keep it safe...
safe from whom...I am not sure.

Mikey was very close to me growing up. He is only 8 years older than I. We grew up two houses apart from each other. We would go fishing with my Dad. He taught me to skateboard. He walked me home from primary school everyday and fixed my after school snacks exactly how I wanted them.
I remember once when I was 6 I had some how managed to talk this teenager into playing beauty shop with me! He vowed never again.
I would curl up in his lap on the couch and watch Mortal Kombat (back when it was still cool...oh hell IT IS STILL COOL!! Our kids will never know the joys of the first video games!;-])
I remember when the 'air brush' art sets came out and he was one of the first to get one. I'd dance around him in my most annoying voice crying to get him to let me play with it!
I remember once when he got in trouble at the local Walmart and I cried in the car as my grandma had to go pick him up. As we stood there they asked me what was wrong and I feared they were 'a lockin' my Mikey away.' The things teenagers do right?!?
He introduced me to Snoop Doggity Dog and Tupac.
He laughed as I blared Britney Spears and Nsync and sung EVERY lyric. ;-)
Once, after having been warned multiple times by Mikey that I'd get hurt, I got hurt jumping from a barn to a trampoline. He was the first at my side and promised to never tell my parents what happened. He never did.
All the way up until I left America, I could always call on him. Whether it was that I wanted my ex-boyfriend scared or I needed a ride home from work at 2 am. He ALWAYS answered. He ALWAYS came. He ALWAYS smiled at me.
Most of all what I remember is him always being there when I needed or even wanted him. Never any questions. Never any grief. Just a smile and a hug.
I was his only niece but I swear God had given me a brother.

So in memory of my Mikey today I post this....

I know I’m far away today

As our family gathers near
God’s blessed us with a guardian
And another listening ear

I have so many memories
Each one I hold so tight
I can name them one by one
But man this don’t feel right

Please never think I haven’t cared
Or that I’ve forgotten all the years
You can see me now day and night
And know I’ve cried a thousand tears

You were more than just an uncle
Much more than a mere friend
I have so much love for you
A love that can never end

You were always there for me
Even when I was too young to know
Your impact helped to mold me
Your spirit helped me grow

Fishing trips and summer nights
Memories of a broken heart
After school snacks and learning tricks
The pain pierces like a dart

Today we say goodbye
But never will we forget
Mikey your love was infectious
Some things in life I just don’t get…..

I love you, man, and I know you're looking down and watching over me each day. Raise a peace sign to the heavens because your among the angels now.
To my Mom, Uncle Dan, and Aunt Liz. I know you're mourning a brother today. Cherish the memories. Give each other hugs for me. Soak in the love.

Shana..