How Having Kids Will Ruin Your Sex Life

I've decided to join in with Cloudy with a chance of wine and try out the Thursday Theme!
Each week she posts a new theme for us to write about! Try it out!! Have fun!


Let us start at the beginning…you know…the mushy-gushy yet still hot and heavy part. The part where you and baby daddy had just started doing the deed! Oh yea…you’re there. Slowly allow the cartoon memory cloud to form above your head as we walk down the road of your sex life……..

At this point, nothing he did wrong could damper your attraction to him (okay we’re all still attracted to our men but really…the fact that you must put his dirty socks in the basket EVERY MORNING is starting to wear on your nerves by now!). You’re no longer calling it sex but you are making love. You’ll take it just about whenever and where ever because you want it all the time! Your bodies are new to each other. The sex is exciting. You spend countless hours over countless months getting to know each other in all the right ways. You try new things…..until one day something happens. Your little friend decides not to visit…at all…for nine months (then it comes back with a freaking vengeance for 6 weeks!!)

At first you are so SO excited (okay we stay excited!). Not only was it feeling great emotional, mentally and PHYSICALLY but you’ve now created something beautiful in your love. You’re giddy and want to share the news with everyone and are subsequently even more in love with said partner and therefore want to do the deed even more! And what is better than knowing the risks are gone now??

But then the sickness hits. All of the sudden you’re not looking so fresh in the mornings and your hormones can plainly see that your digestive acrobatics from the last 30 minutes while you acquainted yourself with the toilet in a whole new personal way seem to turn him off a bit. You pretend to be offended, upsetting him for your lack of understanding. When actually you’re perfectly okay with him not wanting to jump into the sack with you because honestly the idea of any rocking movement makes you think of a boat which brings images of the sea and subsequently fish which reminds you of the sea food you ate 3 nights ago and you rush for your new best friend, Mr. CrapPot, again. The next 8 weeks are spent in a daze of staring at the bottom of the toilet; forcing yourself to actually put real clothes on instead of sweats and figuring out how the hell you’re suppose to stay awake for more than 10 minutes when you aren’t allowed caffeine!

But the storms settle and the clouds part ways to allow for streaks of sexual sunshine to burst through. You emerge into your second trimester with a new found energy. You swear you never had this kind of energy before you got pregnant and are starting to convince yourself that this isn’t so bad after all! Hubby is seeing you in all your glory. You’re radiant, glowing even and best of all doing everything you can to be the best carrier for his little one in there. He starts touching again and you find that your pregnant body is a little more sensitive. It feels different, sensual, and romantic. You’re suddenly ready to pounce. But wait….

You don’t remember getting wet so quickly before. Oh…ohh…EWWW!!! Not to mention what before could have looked as if you’d scripted each bedroom rumble from start to finish now looks like an awkward teenagers first attempt with a girl way out of his league. The bump seems so small when you stand in a mirror. How can it be causing so much trouble now?

Do not fear. You quickly master the art of the bedroom bump and although you are not as frequent as before you enjoy a different kind of bond.

You gracefully pass into the third trimester. You think this is going to be a breeze. You’re attending the classes together, you’re doing your kegals, and the bedroom is become a cinch. What you did not expect was the exhaustion that would return! Suddenly just getting undressed leaves you needing a good 6 hours of sleep let alone the antics to come afterwards. It is uncomfortable to lie on your back and if you’re on top you can’t bend over far enough to kiss. You deduce that there is one, MAYBE two, positions that are comfortable and realistic. These become your fail safes and you stick by them (don’t worry we’ll discuss this later on again!) Baby takes up so much room by now that he is pushing into your lungs so even a slow, vanilla style shag leaves you breathing like you’ve ran a damn marathon. You’re almost at the end and everything will be normal again you tell yourself.

Finally, baby arrives and everyone is in their glory! You and daddy are reconnecting because, well, you’ve just brought a little pooping crying never sleeping miracle into this world. You go home after the hospital and daddy is SO excited to have you back….but that little friend of yours has decided to reek havoc on you for making it disappear for nine months! That’s right daddy…you got six weeks of patience ahead of you. It’s okay…learn the baby’s schedule.

The day has finally arrived. You think after 6 weeks of no show you’d be roaring to go. However, the incessant feeding and lack of sleep has left you without a drop of energy. You kindly try to explain that it isn’t mascara smeared on your face (you haven’t even seen your mascara since before baby was born) but it is the dark circles from being up ALL THE TIME!! And to you and daddy’s surprise your body didn’t exactly spring back like the rubber band you thought it was. :-/

Slowly however you find your groove again. As you begin to kiss, baby cries. Soon baby is crawling and moving and you must restrict yourselves to only when baby sleeps. At which time you’d also like to be sleeping.

Eventually the fun starts and baby is walking and talking. This comes just as things are reaching a stable point in the bedroom in which if you can successfully get through one position without baby crying or waking then you consider it a great session! This leads to a few oops as you and daddy get adventurous and try to squeeze in a quickie as baby watches Dora for the 8th time today, or so you thought. Later that night at your in-laws for dinner you actually realize that baby claims to Grandma at the dinner table that she saw mommy and daddy wrestling but they were naked! Your cheeks flush an unknown color of red as you now battle to figure out how to tell Grandma she is Grandma again!

And the fun starts over!

Okay, maybe it isn’t so bad….mine definitely was a little more of a medium sex kill but hey we need to keep our expectations low so that it always surpasses them…right?!?!

Shana