I spoke in the first
installment of Conquering
PPD about step one of my
healing process. I spoke about finding
the shift. This means that I searched myself and my life for that time in
which my outlook on life changed. When did I go from being positive to negative?
Please....I really encourage you to go back and read it!
I don’t want to bore you with a
thousand and two details....because God knows I will. So, I’ve written and
rewritten this next post probably 30 times! ;-) It’s also difficult not to
intermingle the steps.
Each step was significant for
me and came at separate times, but when looking back they over lap so
tremendously that it is hard not to forecast to the next post! So bare with me
if I see a little jumbled!
You see, once you admit you need help (which is a very hard step) and see a doctor....it doesn’t just magically go away. Oh...how I wish it did.
In all reality, it becomes a daily struggle that you need to work through. You need to learn new coping mechanisms and figure out what triggers you.
But you have to begin somewhere....
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and by no means am I a psychiatric professional. I do not attempt to in any way claim expertise on the matter or suggest that a person use my words as a means of therapy. This is merely my experience and what helped me.
STEP 2: Recognizing the changes.
Does that seem redundant with
step 1? Okay, it’s not I promise!
Step two came as I realized
when it started to change....I started recognizing why. What changed that
caused the shift?
Maybe....so that you can
understand where this is all going....after I started figuring out what changed....I then asked myself why those changes affected me so
tremendously. {See why it’s easy to mix these two steps together! But it’s
actually very important that we don’t. You see, the effectiveness in the
process was the process itself. I didn’t understand why those changes effected
me at the exact moment I realized what changed! It came later...and so will the
post!}
Like I said, it began with the
job. It seemed so great and then we fell apart. We let the distance take over
and it led to me making a decision to stay working where I went for training.
By the grace of God though, we overcame it and eventually Hubby came to me. I
praise him for not giving up.
But my attitude didn’t change.
Things between us had shifted and we were too young and inexperienced to truly
know how to begin rebuilding. So rather, we attempted to just pick back up
again.
We tried going on, having a
good time, and moving forward. While this wasn’t wrong....it wasn’t right. I
knew already what was missing...God.
{From here I will highlight the
changes in pink writing so you can pinpoint them and understand better the
process I experienced!}
That was when I started to
shift again. I started giving my life slowly back
over to God. I wish I could say I jumped back up and said, “God, things were
so much better when I had let you be in charge so please take over again!” I
didn’t though.
Hubby and I had had problems,
but we’d managed to sort that stuff out and had moved away from our own place
back to Ma’s by the sea. From there we’d decided as a family to move in land to
where Pa was working. We didn’t like all being separated. Overall...I was
floating at this point. The change to going back to where we’d first lived
seemed like a good idea because we’d been okay then. Sure....we had fights
pretty much everytime we were drunk...but they were done by morning and we
thought nothing of it. And besides....we were going to handle it better this
time. We thought we had learned from our previous party mistakes!
Still, when it was suggested we
all go to Pa....it seemed perfect. Back together as a family! That is exactly
what all of us needed. We had high hopes of finding jobs and getting on our own
again.
I guess a little too much
changed. We left our jobs. We left our home (and basically the only
home I’d known in South Africa). We had just gone through some
pretty disadvantageous humps in our marriage but were blessed to have come past
it. We left our friends. We left our environment, because any
one who has lived by the sea can tell you how dramatically different moving in
land can be!
Then of all things....I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant, while working a temporary
job, two weeks before we were moving again to where we would finally settle
down. It was a time of extreme highs and lows. Hubby and I were ecstatic to be
soon-to-be parents. I immediately fell in love with the little one inside of me.
Hubby was amazing and did his
best to keep me calm and positive. What was supposed to be the happiest time of
my life was quickly taking a negative perspective. I feel I must say that I was
blessed to have always remained positive about our future bundle of joy and the
parents we would be. I was grateful to have a strong family support as well.
The next part, I feel shame to
admit. The next change I started noticing was our social life. I had
always been very social with Hubby. I had gone out with him on the weekends and
we had recklessly partied until the wee hours of the morning. At first, it didn’t
bother me that we weren’t doing this any more. Because, well, both of us
weren’t doing it. We didn’t know anyone.
I started leaning more
into God. Which was wonderful. I realized I wanted different values for my
child. I realized I wanted a more grounded, solid, faith filled life. And
again...I just expected Hubby to fall in. But I’ll speak more on this later.
You see....there were moments
of extreme joy. Learning about Lil Mister and all the milestones through
pregnancy, getting jobs in our new town, meeting new people, and finding myself
in God again were all extreme highs. But these joys were peaks in my days,
weeks....they weren’t a lifestyle yet. My daily life...my daily mindset
was....slowly becoming more despondent....more recluse....more negative.
There you have the second step
of my healing process. It wasn’t so easy looking back. It took me weeks to
recognize. It took me multiple journal entries to pinpoint. It took a lot of
self reflection to see the image clearly. But I worked through it. I found when
the change happened. I recognized the beginning of my depression cycle. I realized
what changed to cause the spiral I’d taken. The next step was to figure out the
why. Join me for the third installment!
This post was written as part of a series following my conquering of a PPD diagnosis. Click the link to read more.
If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.
And please don’t feel alone!
Postpartum Progress
Surprising Symptoms
Ivy's PPD Blog
First Time Mom and Dad
PPD to Joy
If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little emailor drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!
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XOXxx
Shana Danae..
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