She can feel the pressure building up inside of herself. It’s like there is a lever pushing higher and higher into her chest. It breaks through burrowing in her throat.
The fear penetrates from her eyes. Searching…searching for a place to hide. There is no where but within.
She knows she’s slipped. She knows she is at the edge. But she can’t turn back. She can’t break free…..She can’t control it any longer.
The monster is loose. She tears through the emotions of those around her like a lioness ripping into its kill. She feels nothing but the relief of freedom. She screams and shouts. She roars her nasty voice throughout the hearts of the house. Nothing is good enough. No one behaves well enough. Nothing can be missed by her searing eye. The anger is too much to bear. The grief to high a price.
The relief is soon succumbed by guilt. The tears flow from her eyes as she looks into the innocence of the children. They deserve better. The deserve strength. The weakness must be hidden. She becomes angry with herself. With this….this….THIS.
This sickness..this disease.
Why did it choose her?
Why did it attack her family?
She stops everything and sits on the floor. It doesn’t take away the mistakes made, but the children are forgiving. They play cars. They have tickle fights. They laugh.
She becomes grounded…centered again.
She breathes for the first time in hours. The air fills her lungs as if they’ve been stationary for too long an age.
One tear…one last tear may fall and then she’ll move on.
She has to be strong…not weak.
She has to be steady….not trembling.
She has to be Mom.
She forgot to take her pill….
This post was written as part of a series following my conquering of a PPD diagnosis. Click the link to read more.
If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.
And please don’t feel alone!
Ivy's PPD Blog
First Time Mom and Dad
PPD to Joy
If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little email or drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!