She
can feel the pressure building up inside of herself. It’s like there is a lever
pushing higher and higher into her chest. It breaks through burrowing in her
throat.
The
fear penetrates from her eyes. Searching…searching for a place to hide. There
is no where but within.
She
knows she’s slipped. She knows she is at the edge. But she can’t turn back. She
can’t break free…..She can’t control it any longer.
The
monster is loose. She tears through the emotions of those around her like a
lioness ripping into its kill. She feels nothing but the relief of freedom. She
screams and shouts. She roars her nasty voice throughout the hearts of the
house. Nothing is good enough. No one behaves well enough. Nothing can be
missed by her searing eye. The anger is too much to bear. The grief to high a
price.
The
relief is soon succumbed by guilt. The tears flow from her eyes as she looks
into the innocence of the children. They deserve better. The deserve strength.
The weakness must be hidden. She becomes angry with herself. With this….this….THIS.
This
sickness..this disease.
Why
did it choose her?
Why
did it attack her family?
She
stops everything and sits on the floor. It doesn’t take away the mistakes made,
but the children are forgiving. They play cars. They have tickle fights. They
laugh.
She
becomes grounded…centered again.
She
breathes for the first time in hours. The air fills her lungs as if they’ve
been stationary for too long an age.
One
tear…one last tear may fall and then she’ll move on.
She
has to be strong…not weak.
She
has to be steady….not trembling.
She
has to be Mom.
She
forgot to take her pill….
This post was written as part of a series following my conquering of a PPD diagnosis. Click the link to read more.
If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.
And please don’t feel alone!
Postpartum Progress
Surprising Symptoms
Ivy's PPD Blog
First Time Mom and Dad
PPD to Joy
If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little email or drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!
Shana..
I have panic and anxiety disorder ...it looks a lot like this!
ReplyDeleteThey do feel very similar!
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