Worst Mommy of the Year goes to.....

I worked so hard to have the day planned perfectly!

I took off work the ENTIRE day! I was supposed to have it all down....I was supposed to be in control! And I'm never going to forgive myself!

This child is more than I ever deserved....and God gave me two!

Thursday evening was Lil Mister's school concert. Now, at his age he has a maximum of 5 minutes on stage and once they're off....they're done!

Horror...beyond words

Disclaimer: This is a harsh subject. The opinions held in this post are strictly my own. As part of my blog, I always endeavor to be honest to you and therefore tell you exactly how I feel when subjects are brought up. I do not wish to ask anyone to change their opinion on views and therefore ask that you refrain from criticizing mine. This subject is detailed, horrific, gruesome, troublesome, gut wrenching and an absolute outcry. Please read on in warning.

Maybe I shouldn’t broach the subject….

Homecoming...Mind going

As I wrote this, I feel guilty. Looking back on how I felt and reacted during this time makes me feel as if I am a horrible mother and wife. I'm not though. I was going through a very bad phase and needed assitance. Because I was not getting the necessary help, my children and husband were forced to drag through it with me. I forgot how important it is to pray during this time because I couldn't see past my own darkened image. The worst part of it all was that I was so worried about being judged that I put on a face as if to act like everything was okay. The more people would ask the more I'd insist I was fine and we were all doing great. I cried behind every closed door. I screamed out inside to make it all stop. There was a part of me trapped within my own thoughts and I was the one holding the key. I thank God for never abondoning me and for giving my family and children the strength they needed. I thank God for the resilience of children. I thank God for the healing He is providing me in teaching me how to cope and reassuring me that I am a GOOD mom!

Friday morning finally arrived and I could feel the pressure building up inside me. Nothing was happening at a speed I preferred and everything seemed to be taking the LONG way around.

My doctor was in delivery that morning so he rushed in to see me quickly so I could be released. I barely understood the words spewing from his lips as he hurriedly asked me questions. I assured him everything was just peachy and he wrote a quick prescription that I still to this day never had filled. I believe I was more trying to convince myself that everything was okay than I was him.

However, the pediatrician was in back to back c-sections the ENTIRE day. There were 17 of them lined up. She couldn’t get a break to breath let alone release LJ.

I began to get clammy as the hours ticked by. The different scenarios were beginning to play in my head. We had an almost two hour drive home. How would I feed LJ in the car? What if his ears hurt on the mountain pass? What if he didn’t like car rides? What happens if the car breaks down? It’s the middle of summer. We’ll die from the heat here.

The more I sat and waited; the more I thought. The more I thought; the more I stressed. Finally, a nurse convinced the pediatrician to quickly allow me to bring LJ to the nursery for her to release him.

After 3 days and countless kilometers logged from pacing the hallways, we were packed and walking out the door.

All the warning signs were there, but I chalked everything up to my desire to be home. I had barely slept since arriving at the hospital, but just knew that if I got home I’d rest easy.

I had myself wound so tight over the breastfeeding that a sewing needle wouldn’t have fit up my butt but I again told myself that once we were home and settled into a routine, everything would run smoothly.

What I didn’t count in my plans, was having friends over that first weekend home. Yes, a mere two hours after arriving home from the hospital, friends came to spend the weekend with us. I wasn’t the most gracious of hosts. I was exhausted, irritable, and wanted time alone with my family.

I agreed because it was the last time Hubby would be able to see said friend for months.

That weekend was the tipping point I believe. I began to shrink into my hole of self pity. I was angry at Hubby for not understanding my desire to want to be alone. I was angry at myself for refusing to allow anyone to help me. I was angry at the friends (who had a 3 month old) for not understanding how exhausted I was. I was just angry at the world.

This was supposed to be a beautiful time in my life and I was angry because it didn’t feel beautiful.

I’d read about PPD before but I had this amazing bond with LJ that it didn’t even cross my mind at this point. I’d take my new bundle and curl up in bed as he’d feed. I’d relish in the love in his eyes and in my mind he truly understood. I would lock myself away for hours with him.

I look back and feel horrible for Lil Mister. He had no idea what was going on and I feel I failed to be the strength and consistency he needed at that point. I was so focused on me that he got left in the background. I thank God for the family we had that he had people to guide him through the transition. He deserved better from me.

As I fell deeper into my hole, I slept less. I couldn’t sleep at night. I’d wake constantly to check if LJ was still breathing. I’d even check on Lil Mister too. If Lil Mister lay too long in one position I’d move him just to know. Then I’d return to my bed and lie staring at the ceiling. Every noise I heard scared me. Every long silence scared me more.

I thought I couldn’t cope. I knew I couldn’t do this. I felt I was a terrible mother.

During the day, I’d fall asleep if I sat still too long. The lack of sleep made the irritability even worse.

To add to my stress, our parents moved during these first few weeks as well. After having lived with them for almost the complete 4 years that I’d been in South Africa they were moving an hour and a half away. This is the longest we’d be without seeing each other and the furthest in years. I stressed about LJ not having the same relationship with Ouma that Lil Mister has had. I’d stress about Lil Mister loosing the bond he’d built with Ouma and Oupa over the years.

At the end of December, they moved. Two weeks later, Oupa came to stay with us. It has been off and on since then. Oupa stays with us a while then goes back to Ouma. Then things get rough here and he comes back to us.

I continued to spiral. I kept Lil Mister home from school in January because I wanted the time with him before returning to work. He was miserable not having friends and each time I tried to take him to school casually he would scream in terror because he wasn’t used to it. His tantrums got worse and worse but I’d listen to no one about putting him back in school. Every time the subject was brought up I felt as if the world was trying to steal my child away from me.

As his tantrums and boredom grew, so did my anxiousness and irritability. The poor child would sit down on the couch wrong and I was screaming.

Then the panic attacks started. Two weeks before I was to return to work, I started having them nightly. When I’d finally lie down at night, I’d start thinking about what kind of schedule the kids would have when I went to work. I still did not know what I was going to do with LJ and hadn’t even found a crèche I was okay with.

I’d start to sweat and shake. I couldn’t breathe properly. It’d feel like bricks on my chest. I’d get up and get water. I’d lie down again. I’d start to feel as if I was spinning. I’d pace the hallway. I’d hold Lil Mister in his sleep. I’d look at the front door. I’d think about just walking. Then I’d hold Lil Mister more. LJ was almost permanently in our bed at this point. I was scared to be away from him. As I’d pace the halls, I’d carry him with me. I’d lie with him in Lil Misters bed. I’d hold them close.

I felt as if my world was slipping through my fingers. I thought the mornings would never come and when they did it felt like the days lasted an eternity. It all started to string together.

Screaming, anxiousness, irritability, boredom. I was in a black hole of my mind that I couldn’t climb out of. I didn’t know where to turn or even that there was a way to fix it.

 

This is all I need in the world...




Tummy time perfektion




His smile reminds me how simple happiness truly is...




They melt my heart...



My Lil Mister ;-)



Shana..

The War Inside

I lie in bed staring at the ceiling. The alarm went off ages ago. I don’t want to know about the day ahead of me.

I sit in the silence. It feels like it is suffocating me. I can feel my body beginning to tense. My heart is racing far too fast for my still body.

The kids are quiet…to quiet. Why aren’t they awake? Don’t wake up. Not now.

I close my eyes. I’m not ready to face to day. I can’t handle another step forward. Time is standing still. I’m not coping with all of this. It is impossible for anyone to successfully take care of two kids these ages and a house. Hubby Dearest is unreasonable for expecting it of me.

This angers me. Why can’t he see how hard it is for me? Why does he listen to all these women who LIE and say it’s possible?

These ridiculous women with 5 kids. They get help from their husbands. That is how they do it. They LIE to me…to everyone….about how they manage. They’re screaming on the inside….just….like….me.

Lil Mister is crying. He’s awake. Why does he have to cry so much? Other two year olds don’t wake up crying…every….frackin….day. When will this be over? What am I suppose to do today?

I scream on the inside.

I get up. I go to Lil Mister. I feel guilty for getting upset that he is crying. I cry. Then I get angry that I’m crying over something so ridiculous.

Why won’t Hubby dearest get up? I know I’m still on maternity leave, but really! It is 6 am already!! Why is he so lazy? I have to be up so he must get up! His job isn’t nearly as difficult as me being at home!

LJ wants to eat again. That is all I do….feed him and keep Lil Mister from breaking down the house.

Why is it so hard? Why can’t I get a break just one day?

Maybe I can just walk out the door and not look back….No NO. I could never leave my babies. I cry again having thought this. They deserve a better mom. One who can handle this better?

Lil Mister is bored. He’s frustrated. I’m screaming. I’m just so angry. All the time…I’m angry. WHY????

I lie down at night. I stare at the ceiling. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I want to sleep but it doesn’t come. My head hurts because I’m so tired.

I feel lost in a dark world. Everyday it’s like I can’t see past this black fog that drapes my mind, my emotions, my life. Every now and then I try to stretch my arms out and reach for something…anything…anyone. But I retreat. Nothing will change this. No one can understand.

Why has everyone abandoned me? Why do they keep saying they understand? They cannot possible understand! If they understood they wouldn’t keep saying it gets better!

The anger and irritation is absorbing me. It is becoming all of me. Everything everyone does bothers me. I can’t stick to a routine. I’m lost in my own head.

I feel like a lion trapped in a cage and like a boat lost at sea all at once.

The weight is heavy on my shoulders; crushing on my chest…..

Have any one you ever felt like this? This is how it was for me after LJ was born. The first couple of weeks were great. We were falling into a routine and everything seemed so much better than I had thought possible.

But around week 3 after LJ was born, everything started going south very quickly. Hubby dearest thought it was too boring for Lil Mister at home and that is why he was acting up so much. I resented him for this because it felt like he was trying to deprive me of my time with my kids before I went back to work.

I was irrationally angry all the time at everything that everyone did. I was unreasonable in my expectations of Lil Mister and I couldn’t cope if the day went slightly off track of what I planned. Most days I wouldn’t even bath until evening because I just couldn’t manage my time.

It was so easy for me to just stare off into the nothingness during the time the kids slept.

I would punish Lil Mister for being naughty and then cry because I punished him.

He felt it. LJ felt it. We all felt it.

I thought returning to work would make the difference. Settle into a routine and get out of the house is what I kept telling myself.

It didn’t help though. In the afternoons I was even more angry and upset.

I decided I had to talk to a doctor. This was probably the single most emotional doctor’s appointment I’ve ever had.

I debated going in. I finally decided it wasn’t okay for my children to suffer because of my stubbornness. They did deserve better. Not a better mom than me…no. Just the best version of myself that I could be!

Have you ever felt like this? Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe you don’t battle with anger, but you might be weepy. Maybe you aren’t irritable but still feel lost in a haze of one day blurred into another.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to share with you my ‘uphill’ battle with PPD.

I battled after Lil Mister was born for months and never sought help. My weight dropped to 44kg and I never had energy. I ate normal so we didn’t understand. It was an internal battle that was raging inside of me. It affected my health, my family, and my relationships.

Luckily, for me, my love for my son helped keep me centered and the never ending support of my family secured my safe return.  When I started working out and exercising again, it got better and when I fell pregnant with LJ my hormones leveled out.

I knew going into this labor that I might face these demons again. I thought this time the exercise and training would help.

I figured knowing the warning signs would mean I could prevent it and fight it off on my own! I was WRONG!

If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.

And please don’t feel alone!

Postpartum Progress

Surprising Symptoms

Ivy's PPD Blog

First Time Mom and Dad

PPD to Joy

 If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little email or drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!

Shana..