What am I supposed to do now....

This is an extremely hard post for me to write.
I had something else planned. (I should know about plans by now.)
But I feel I just need to get it out there.
February is a month I hate. And no it isn't because of Valentines day.
As I wrote last week, I lost a VERY close friend in February 7 years ago.
In the last 15 years or so, I've lost A LOT of people in the month of February. I've lost grandparents, friends, a pastor, and loved ones. February seems to be a cursed month in my eyes. It totals more than 10 people I've loved.
2013 is proving to follow suit and it makes me want to crawl into a hole out of grasps of the pains in this world.
I received a message from my mother last week Thursday.
My uncle who was only 31 passed away in an accident at work.
I'm shocked....I'm discontent....I'm disconnected.
You see...
The pain is there. The realization that I will never again see this beloved friend is there.
But I'm not there. I'm here. I'm alone in all of this.
Hubby Dearest knows. He understands. He sympathizes. But as before I try to hide the pain away. It isn't fair he feels anything negative.
There is a guilt that comes with these situations. A guilt for us both that I am here and unable to be there.
I've learnt coping mechanisms over the years. I will speak regularly with my family. I will write. I will cry in silent waves as I shower or bath. My children will not know. My husband will not see. After a couple of months, the emails between my family and I will slow to a normal pace and the pain will fade into the background.
But I'm not there to say my goodbyes. I'm not there for the closure of seeing his face one last time. I'm not there to hold and be held by those in the midst of loss.
So the next time it happens...I relive this one too. Each time I loose someone...I live them all from before. There is no closure. There is no way to make my mind let go. I just keep in bottled. I keep it hidden. I keep it safe...
safe from whom...I am not sure.

Mikey was very close to me growing up. He is only 8 years older than I. We grew up two houses apart from each other. We would go fishing with my Dad. He taught me to skateboard. He walked me home from primary school everyday and fixed my after school snacks exactly how I wanted them.
I remember once when I was 6 I had some how managed to talk this teenager into playing beauty shop with me! He vowed never again.
I would curl up in his lap on the couch and watch Mortal Kombat (back when it was still cool...oh hell IT IS STILL COOL!! Our kids will never know the joys of the first video games!;-])
I remember when the 'air brush' art sets came out and he was one of the first to get one. I'd dance around him in my most annoying voice crying to get him to let me play with it!
I remember once when he got in trouble at the local Walmart and I cried in the car as my grandma had to go pick him up. As we stood there they asked me what was wrong and I feared they were 'a lockin' my Mikey away.' The things teenagers do right?!?
He introduced me to Snoop Doggity Dog and Tupac.
He laughed as I blared Britney Spears and Nsync and sung EVERY lyric. ;-)
Once, after having been warned multiple times by Mikey that I'd get hurt, I got hurt jumping from a barn to a trampoline. He was the first at my side and promised to never tell my parents what happened. He never did.
All the way up until I left America, I could always call on him. Whether it was that I wanted my ex-boyfriend scared or I needed a ride home from work at 2 am. He ALWAYS answered. He ALWAYS came. He ALWAYS smiled at me.
Most of all what I remember is him always being there when I needed or even wanted him. Never any questions. Never any grief. Just a smile and a hug.
I was his only niece but I swear God had given me a brother.

So in memory of my Mikey today I post this....

I know I’m far away today

As our family gathers near
God’s blessed us with a guardian
And another listening ear

I have so many memories
Each one I hold so tight
I can name them one by one
But man this don’t feel right

Please never think I haven’t cared
Or that I’ve forgotten all the years
You can see me now day and night
And know I’ve cried a thousand tears

You were more than just an uncle
Much more than a mere friend
I have so much love for you
A love that can never end

You were always there for me
Even when I was too young to know
Your impact helped to mold me
Your spirit helped me grow

Fishing trips and summer nights
Memories of a broken heart
After school snacks and learning tricks
The pain pierces like a dart

Today we say goodbye
But never will we forget
Mikey your love was infectious
Some things in life I just don’t get…..

I love you, man, and I know you're looking down and watching over me each day. Raise a peace sign to the heavens because your among the angels now.
To my Mom, Uncle Dan, and Aunt Liz. I know you're mourning a brother today. Cherish the memories. Give each other hugs for me. Soak in the love.

Shana..

What I Miss About America

• Lemonade stands….we never see kids doing this in South Africa! Partly because of the safety reasons which brings me to the second point….

• No fences…everyone has these fences and security gates around their houses and even businesses! I know there are fences in America but not like here! It’s a fence, with barbed wire and sometimes electrical wire at the top. It took months for me to get over it and even caused depression!

• Authentic foods…yes I get authentic South African and Boere kos! But I miss Mexican, Chinese, and Greek foods like I used to get in my home town. I miss the variety. Even after having been so close to a Mexican family and working in their restaurant I still cannot make the food :-/

• Snow…this will make my fourth Christmas in South Africa (Even I can’t believe it!) and I still can’t get used to it being so bloody hot in December! I haven’t seen snow since January 2009. I miss the cold….I miss the white Christmas…and to bring in the next point

• Holiday decorations…I know that a lot of you are moaning that it isn’t even Halloween yet and Target is displaying Christmas stuff but that would make me cry tears of joy right now! I know the point of the holidays but I miss that communal feel that we have back home. Here a business might put a few measly decorations but that is it. No houses competing for best lights, no non-stop Christmas music radio, no giant trees and enough garland in the mall to make you poo it out! I miss the tradition of driving through the town and looking at all the lights in the evening!

• Folgers….yes for me the best part of waking up was Folgers in my cup!! If I was to return to the States I would terribly miss our coffee here…but I am here and therefore am dying for filter coffee!! We drink instant and it is truly AMAZING…I only realized this after 6 months of living here. But the coffee back home… the tantalizing smell as it tickles me awake from my automatic brewing pot! The frothiness that occurs when you mix a little powder creamer with milk. The sweet, decadent, sinful, dessert that was Crème Brulee flavor! I miss my Folgers!

• Sunflower seeds…I grew up munching on sunflower seeds as a constant snack!! The ones with the shell still on them! Davids were always my favorite…but guess what!! We don’t get them here!! Go figure! I would have brought a years supply with me and portioned it for the next 5 years if I’d have known this!

• Swedish fish, Jelly Belly, Jolly Ranchers, Butterfinger bars, Starburst, Slim Jims, and Captain Crunch cereals…yes I’m pregnant but I miss these things all of the time!!!

• American Eagle and Aeropostal…we get great clothes here. Stuff I really like but I miss these two stores! I have yet to find a store that clothes fit so nicely on me especially the American Eagle denims!!

• Roasted Nuts…those terrible varieties of nuts that they always roast in the malls around Christmas time and sell in the plastic bags! OMW…I hated these at a stage after working a Christmas season in the mall but I’d sell my right arm (not actually) to have a bag of nuts now! Hehe

• Drive through banking…simply stated…I miss it!! That little tube you put your money and papers in!! We don’t have it…anywhere…at ALL!!!

• Wal-Mart…to do my monthly shopping I go to 6 different shops if I’m lucky. Usually it is more! I miss being able to shop in one place and that place being 24 hours a day!

• Krispy Kremes…stop laughing!! I know I’m pregnant but I truly miss these darn donuts! Especially the New York Cheesecake one!! OMW….mmm

• Running at night…yes we can do group runs and such things but I can’t just go run really early in the morning or late at night like I used to do in the States. It just isn’t safe.

• Driving at night…as a kid when it was a boring Saturday night my parents would have us climb in the car and go for a drive in the country. We’d park along the side of a corn field and lay on the hood looking at the stars and talking. I LOVED this…again we avoid something like this unless you have a friend that owns a property to go onto because it isn’t safe.

• Family… I miss my family. I have family here and I love them with all my heart but I miss these people who I grew up with. I miss the traditions we had. I miss the familiarity. I miss the comfort. I miss their love.


Me and my youngest brother Jadyn!!!


• And finally…a random list of all I can think of!!

o Affordability

o Tornado Watching

o Sledding

o Hot cocoa curled up in front of a fire place

o Free concerts!!

o Parades

o State/City fairs

o Crown Royal (sorry but just a glass every now and then!)

o Southern/Country living

o SUPPORT OUR TROOPS

o American pride

o Seeing the flag everywhere

o Country music (we get that here but it is always behind!)

o Summer camps/ Church camps

o Liquid coffee creamer

o Long John Silvers

o Monicals Pizza/ Papa Johns Pizza

o Steak n Shake Restaurant

o Burger King

o All you can eat buffets!! (My husband LOVED this when he was in the States!)

o Calling the body of water a lake and the physical structure holding back the water a dam! Here they call the whole body of water the dam…really irritates me!

o My dad’s BBQ chicken!

o Tailgate parties

o American Football and SUPER BOWL!!!

o The summer holidays

o Halloween (especially now that I have kids of my own :-/)

o Chicago and EVERYTHING about that city!

o My friends…we still talk but yea I need to see them!

o The American spirit…I can’t explain this one…a person can only know it!

o Yellow taxi cabs!!

Most of this seems ridiculous or simple or unimportant but it is all things that were part of everyday life that are not anymore and I miss it. These are things that I took for granted and never understood that I looked at these things as part of what made my home a home and that home defined a part of me. I’m still Shana…I’m just learning to be Shana somewhere else! One day I’ll post about all the reasons I love South Africa!! ;-)

I claim no rights to any photos…they are all from Google but they just help reiterate the point! (Except for the one after family!!)

Shana

Emotional Day....

I know that this is probably just one of those emotional/hormonal mommy/pregnant moments but I really need to get it out there.

I phone Hubby Dearest now to let him know that although it is already 15 minutes past when I am suppose to be off work it is going to be about another 15 minutes before we leave. It is the beginning of our grapes season and things are extremely busy here on the farm. As I’m talking to him, I can hear Lil Mister laughing and carrying on about something in the background. It hits me. Its 15 minutes before we leave. Another 15 minutes to meet up with Hubby Dearest. Yet, still, another 20 minutes or so to go to the store before getting home to Lil Mister. That is almost an hour. I’ll get home in time to eat, bath Lil Mister, and then clean up and get ready for the next day. I get home around 6pm and Lil Mister goes to bed at 8pm. I leave him at around 6:30 in the morning. So I am gone almost 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. I am missing the majority of his life. He is so used to me leaving it doesn’t even faze him any more.

I am often so proud to be a working mom. My personality is one in which I truly need the satisfaction of a job well done. I feed off the times when my boss calls me in just to tell me he appreciates my work. I enjoy putting my creativity and problem solving brain to work in an adult environment. I keep reminding myself of this.

But it is moments like this where I wonder if my kids will hate me one day for it. Do they know what I am missing? Granted my work is very understanding. I am blessed that they are lenient when I must take off because Lil Mister is sick or has a check up. They know how important family is and makes sure that your family is still top priority in your life.

Here I am though, about to birth a second child, and I feel that I’m loosing the one I have. Maybe I’m still adjusting to the new hours and set up. See I have been in my current job for almost 7 months. Before this I’d always worked in the food industry. At my most previous job there were days I worked only 4-5 hours a day. I could walk to work in 8 minutes and often walked my son to or from his daycare.  Now, my work day is 10 hours without considering travel. I have every weekend off which is great compared to before which I only had one. But I still feel like I am missing more and more of his life.

So today, now, I sit and cry as I wait to go home. I cry for myself and I cry for my family. My husband is amazing. He is now cooking dinner and playing with Lil Mister while I wallow in my self pity. He will be understanding and tell me it will get better. He will promise that the boys will always know I love them and have always tried to what was best for them. He will tell me to leave the kitchen and play with Lil Mister. He will be loving because he loves me. I love him. I just wish I was there more for him and them.

Who is in control?

I’m a planner. Yep, I said it! I have a day planner for the entire year with month, week, and day sections. It has more tabs than some of the creditor files in my office. I spent weeks planning my planner. I have a blog planner too. I use this almost as often as I do chap stick! It is always open on my desk right with my planner. I jot ideas down, blogs to reply too, and plan the next entry (3 weeks away!). I also have a fitness planner! My first 4 months after pregnancy are already planned out for a perfect and natural labor. I have decided when will be my first 5km and researched and planned every second of my training. The school where my son attends for daycare provides breakfast, lunch and snack. Yet, still, I can’t help but plan his daily meals and therefore I send breakfast, lunch, two snacks, and his juice, water, tea, and milk! Oh yes, this is an illness. All of this planning stems from one deadly need. It is my need for control.


Actually this is a want but I mask it around like a need.

There are a lot of areas where I am perfectly capable of letting go of the control and others where I am exceptional at delegating. (Side note: after 10 years in the food service industry the last restaurant I worked for as a manager said upon my leaving that they will truly miss my capabilities of ‘delegating’ my work. I even managed to delegate my work to superiors at times masking it as their work! I’m that good!) I can let go of control in the dinner department at our house! MIL cooks most nights! I share in this but not on a daily basis. I also have let go of control in the laundry department! Hehe MIL is at home and does this for us too! I still pack away, scrub stains, and iron on weekends but during the week I am pretty much home free…yes I am spoilt still! Oh and the delegating! Since Hubby Dearest is at home all day as he works on call, I am quite capable at delegating certain tasks to be done each morning such as vacuuming the house or feeding the rats! Haha (insert evil laugh)

I love my family very much and am thankful for the fact that we have a system that functions most days without a hitch. I am not lazy but heck I work 10 hours a day, workout daily, have a toddler, am pregnant, and blog about it all!!

OKAY, back on point! I like to control my days. I control when I, my son, and my husband get up and get ready. I control how our mornings function, what Lil Mister wears and takes to school, and the mile long to-do list I am always editing. I freak if Lil Mister watches something I don’t approve of, is disciplined in a way I’m not comfortable with, or if the school did not handle a situation in the exact manner I would. I spend so much of my time planning that I forget to live sometimes. That is where God gave me a BIG reality check last week.

I’m actually not in control at all! I have all these plans but I’ve been failing to check with the big man upstairs whether or not my plans are matching his. It wasn’t in my plans to have a second child but here we are. I almost had a panic attack at first but now I am excited and ready to meet our bundle of love. It was in God’s plans not mine. I still think about all of my plans that got shifted around though. It wasn’t my plan when we gave up our apartment for a bigger house that we ended up not getting and had to move back in with our parents! It was in God’s plan though. And I’ve learnt to shift my views to do what he wants.

Oh but that control. You see, I’ve planned my maternity leave to a T. I will leave work half day on the 14th December. LJ is due on the 15th. I will do everything in my power to the extent of having an induction for LJ to be born on the 15th. He WILL NOT come early (you realize how distorted my plans make my logic!) I will begin my workouts again with walking on the 31st December. That is two weeks after LJ is born and that is when I was cleared for moderate physical activity with Lil Mister so I WILL be cleared this time. I WILL have a natural birth (I am scared to death of a c-section!). I WILL NOT have complications. LJ WILL be a boy….haha!! (Okay that one we have visual proof on but my mind was set even before the ultrasound! I think Hubby Dearest was relieved that LJ was a boy because he didn’t want to deal with the hormonal 20 week pregnant out of control wife!) I will run my 5km the 19th of April. See it is all planned. But….

What if God has other plans? What if LJ comes early and I must leave work sooner than planned. What if the gynae won’t induce (oh who am I kidding then I find one that will!)? What if LJ comes late? What if I have to have a c-section and am down for the full 6 weeks? I am starting to hyperventilate.

For most of you, these are all small things. One of those ‘it’s out of our hands’ type thoughts. God has everything in control. Yet, why does this not settle me? Why am I letting my fear of control loss impede my relationship with Christ?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6

In all your ways. This is where I got slapped in the face (okay literally Lil Mister was sitting on my lap and I was so engrossed in this verse that I didn’t notice his tractor needed fixed and wham!). But spiritually God knocked me one! Yea sure it is easy to give it to God once you can’t control it any more and you need Him to pick up the pieces. It is easy to say thank you when something great comes your way. It is easy to give your worship over and let His Spirit lead you where you need to go. But what happens when that worship leads you to your knees in front of God who is laying it out flat. No holds barred!!

I was on my knees while God starred down at me saying ‘Child, LET GO! You don’t know my plans for you. You have desires because I placed them in you for MY works! Your plans MUST line up with mine! You must let ME lead your family.’

Wait a minute, Lord. But my husband isn’t living a life in you right now. I need to be in control. I need to direct the spiritual warfare. I am the spiritual captain right now! If I let go, then who?

But God always has answers, you see. He made sure I knew right then and there that He was the captain. At that moment while I lay in bed trying to figure this puzzle out Hubby Dearest came in for the night and talked to me about everything going on in our life. We spoke about hurtful words and emotionally harmful choices. And God made sure I knew that was Him not me that lead that conversation. Although my prayers are still the most valid form of spiritual warfare, I must stop trying to lead where our battles go.

My need for control has gone so deep that I have taken away the pants in our family. Shame on me. I’m so focused on trying to do what is ‘right’ for my family I’m not asking God what he wants for my family. I have tried to take the lead position, a position in my family meant solely for my husband.

There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the Lord’s counsel- that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

So today, I pray. I pray for peace as I begin to let go. I pray for strength as I battle the internal fight for control. Most of all I battle for wisdom from the Lord. That I will know when He is pushing me forward and when He is telling me to hold back. I pray for my family as they unknowingly embark on this journey with me. I pray that I embrace the change in myself. I praise the Lord for the freedom I will feel knowing HE is in control of my life and that I happily sit in the passengers’ seat. I praise the Lord for the joy I will know in releasing what I can not have a say in. I praise the Lord for allowing me to be open to His criticism. Thank you Lord.

Proverbs 11:2 - 8

When pride comes, then comes shame, but with humility comes wisdom. The integrity of the upright shall guide them, but the perverseness of the treacherous shall destroy them. Riches don't profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death. The righteousness of the blameless will direct his way, but the wicked shall fall by his own wickedness. The righteousness of the upright shall deliver them, but the unfaithful will be trapped by evil desires. When a wicked man dies, hope perishes, and expectation of power comes to nothing. A righteous person is delivered out of trouble, and the wicked takes his place