Sunday Inspirations: Fear

May your week be blessed through Sunday Inspiration; a collection of quotes and bible verses from across the web.

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I'm Scared...of being Pregnant!

I’m just going to put this out there.... I am deathly afraid of getting pregnant again! Whew. There I said it!

9 months pregnant with LJ

I know some of you are like ‘WHAT’ and I am praying there are a few of you shaking your heads in agreement. But I can not tell you how truly scared I am! I am on the shot. So I am supposed to be pretty well protected but I know from experience that is not 100%.

I am not even talking about the financial repercussions of another child in our household. That is a whole other stress! What I am talking about is the actual pregnancy!

Coffee Talk & the 2014 Ultimate Blog Party

digglifeministries.wordpress.com

There won't be a Fitness Friday today, peeps. I am just not up to it! I'm so sorry but this whole situation in our lives is straining down on me right now. I know you are probably sick of hearing me talk about it so I'm letting it go today. I am focusing on the positive and looking forward to spending an amazing weekend with my Hubby and boys! We deserve a little one on one time and family focus!

With that said...if anyone has any tips on moving a family...please start sending them my way!! Seriously, I feel like a child who has been playing house this whole time! I'm lost in the big world! ;-) Okay....I'm done now! Tips???

Home will be no more...

I posted here about the death of my great-grandmother.

From what I know, she passed away peacefully.

I know that she has joined my grandmother, great grandfather and my uncle who left this world before her. I know that she is renewed and dancing in the streets of heaven. Or sitting on some cloud knitting as that would more suit her. But these are things for another post.

Today, I’m stuck in my own mind. Nothing seems to be pulling me from this. There is pressure and force all around me. My limbs grow weaker as the moments inch forward.

The weight that bears down on me is sometimes unbearable.

I seek not sympathy because I have chosen this path.

I ask not for understanding because that would mean you, too, must endure this pain.

I would not receive your pity because my GOD is stronger than this world.

When I made the decision to come to South Africa….I was young both literally and figuratively. Although I had lived both on my own and with others and had supported myself in many ways, I could not comprehend in my youth the extremity of my decision.

I could not even begin to grasp how far I actually would be from my family. The concept that I couldn’t get back when I wanted to, let alone when needed, never crossed my mind.

The realization that I would be severing a life once lived to the fullest would only come months down the road.

To me…money did not relate and social media filled all gaps.

But a like on Facebook cannot replace a hug. A retweet on Twitter cannot replace the warmth of a smile. And a LoL on text cannot replace the sound of a loved ones laugh.

Skype, no matter how fulfilling, cannot replace the hand reached out to your knee during a deep conversation. It cannot make up for the coffees missed with your mom or the lunch dates with your dad.

None of this, nothing, can make you truly feel connected to these people. Not when you’re talking years without in person connection.

This is how it feels….

I imagine I’m standing in the middle of the ocean. All around me there is just water. Not even the fish swim near me.

I’m facing South Africa, looking over my shoulder towards America.

Neither can I see…but I know they’re there.

There are these gold ropes attached to me from within. They are as much a part of me as my own arms and legs. There is a rope for every human/personal connection I’ve made in both countries.

There is a rope for my father and mother. Step and half siblings. Aunts and uncles. Friends. These ropes are thicker and thinner and stronger and weaker based on the depth of the relationship I had with these people. The thicker and stronger the rope….the larger the pull.

In South Africa, the ropes signify my family and children here. My friends and my church. My job and my activities.

The moment I boarded the plane many fine ropes broke away from my back. The connection to my current job ended. The extent of my relationship with my current church was severed. Friends who were more like acquaintances dropped instantly as their pull was not a blink compared to Hubby’s.

As I flew across the oceans, the rope from my front, Hubby’s rope grew broader and stronger. Each hour that passed made my connection and my dependency on him deeper. He was the only thing pulling me from the world I’d known.

The moment I landed in South Africa, new ropes started forming. I immediately formed a connection with Amanzimtoti. It was my first ‘home’ in South Africa. It gave me my first experience of the beach, which quickly grew it’s own rope as a place of tranquility and relaxation.

Hubby’s family and close friends popped out ropes like the jack popping out of the box. I was creating connections that would hold me here forever. Ropes that could not be broken by mere distance.

The same as some ropes back home.

A tug of war game was brewing within me. It expelled out of me at times of weakness. It’s waged its war, affecting all who are connected.

Time severed many ropes. Connections to memories of places now fell way to new connections. The ropes wear thin in the weather of life’s storms. An old connection to my high school cannot hold strength to my current work. The memories remain but the pull of that ‘home’ no longer exist.

But ropes left to suffer the extremes of the weather….they need care.

Connections need supplement.

So as time progresses, conversations are lost…the ropes pulling me home wane.

Connections to old friends grow weak as I nurture the relations I have here. The ropes of my Hubby and children are the strongest there is. Eventually, ropes of friends here become broad and heavy as my effort goes towards those ‘real’ relationships. It is not that I do not love or miss others….but I must continue to live my life here.

The ropes eventually break when you look back and realize you’ve not spoken in years.

But the worst cut. The one that ends it forever. Death.

Each time a rope is cut….the pull to South Africa grows stronger. I become more rooted where I am.

My life froze in my mind when I left America but those I left behind…their lives continued growing and moving forward.

Each death….each cruel realization that I will never see that person again leaves the remaining ropes working harder. They tire more quickly. Their weight is heavier.

One day….one day the ropes pulling me home will be no more. 

What am I supposed to do now....

This is an extremely hard post for me to write.
I had something else planned. (I should know about plans by now.)
But I feel I just need to get it out there.
February is a month I hate. And no it isn't because of Valentines day.
As I wrote last week, I lost a VERY close friend in February 7 years ago.
In the last 15 years or so, I've lost A LOT of people in the month of February. I've lost grandparents, friends, a pastor, and loved ones. February seems to be a cursed month in my eyes. It totals more than 10 people I've loved.
2013 is proving to follow suit and it makes me want to crawl into a hole out of grasps of the pains in this world.
I received a message from my mother last week Thursday.
My uncle who was only 31 passed away in an accident at work.
I'm shocked....I'm discontent....I'm disconnected.
You see...
The pain is there. The realization that I will never again see this beloved friend is there.
But I'm not there. I'm here. I'm alone in all of this.
Hubby Dearest knows. He understands. He sympathizes. But as before I try to hide the pain away. It isn't fair he feels anything negative.
There is a guilt that comes with these situations. A guilt for us both that I am here and unable to be there.
I've learnt coping mechanisms over the years. I will speak regularly with my family. I will write. I will cry in silent waves as I shower or bath. My children will not know. My husband will not see. After a couple of months, the emails between my family and I will slow to a normal pace and the pain will fade into the background.
But I'm not there to say my goodbyes. I'm not there for the closure of seeing his face one last time. I'm not there to hold and be held by those in the midst of loss.
So the next time it happens...I relive this one too. Each time I loose someone...I live them all from before. There is no closure. There is no way to make my mind let go. I just keep in bottled. I keep it hidden. I keep it safe...
safe from whom...I am not sure.

Mikey was very close to me growing up. He is only 8 years older than I. We grew up two houses apart from each other. We would go fishing with my Dad. He taught me to skateboard. He walked me home from primary school everyday and fixed my after school snacks exactly how I wanted them.
I remember once when I was 6 I had some how managed to talk this teenager into playing beauty shop with me! He vowed never again.
I would curl up in his lap on the couch and watch Mortal Kombat (back when it was still cool...oh hell IT IS STILL COOL!! Our kids will never know the joys of the first video games!;-])
I remember when the 'air brush' art sets came out and he was one of the first to get one. I'd dance around him in my most annoying voice crying to get him to let me play with it!
I remember once when he got in trouble at the local Walmart and I cried in the car as my grandma had to go pick him up. As we stood there they asked me what was wrong and I feared they were 'a lockin' my Mikey away.' The things teenagers do right?!?
He introduced me to Snoop Doggity Dog and Tupac.
He laughed as I blared Britney Spears and Nsync and sung EVERY lyric. ;-)
Once, after having been warned multiple times by Mikey that I'd get hurt, I got hurt jumping from a barn to a trampoline. He was the first at my side and promised to never tell my parents what happened. He never did.
All the way up until I left America, I could always call on him. Whether it was that I wanted my ex-boyfriend scared or I needed a ride home from work at 2 am. He ALWAYS answered. He ALWAYS came. He ALWAYS smiled at me.
Most of all what I remember is him always being there when I needed or even wanted him. Never any questions. Never any grief. Just a smile and a hug.
I was his only niece but I swear God had given me a brother.

So in memory of my Mikey today I post this....

I know I’m far away today

As our family gathers near
God’s blessed us with a guardian
And another listening ear

I have so many memories
Each one I hold so tight
I can name them one by one
But man this don’t feel right

Please never think I haven’t cared
Or that I’ve forgotten all the years
You can see me now day and night
And know I’ve cried a thousand tears

You were more than just an uncle
Much more than a mere friend
I have so much love for you
A love that can never end

You were always there for me
Even when I was too young to know
Your impact helped to mold me
Your spirit helped me grow

Fishing trips and summer nights
Memories of a broken heart
After school snacks and learning tricks
The pain pierces like a dart

Today we say goodbye
But never will we forget
Mikey your love was infectious
Some things in life I just don’t get…..

I love you, man, and I know you're looking down and watching over me each day. Raise a peace sign to the heavens because your among the angels now.
To my Mom, Uncle Dan, and Aunt Liz. I know you're mourning a brother today. Cherish the memories. Give each other hugs for me. Soak in the love.

Shana..

Who is in control?

I’m a planner. Yep, I said it! I have a day planner for the entire year with month, week, and day sections. It has more tabs than some of the creditor files in my office. I spent weeks planning my planner. I have a blog planner too. I use this almost as often as I do chap stick! It is always open on my desk right with my planner. I jot ideas down, blogs to reply too, and plan the next entry (3 weeks away!). I also have a fitness planner! My first 4 months after pregnancy are already planned out for a perfect and natural labor. I have decided when will be my first 5km and researched and planned every second of my training. The school where my son attends for daycare provides breakfast, lunch and snack. Yet, still, I can’t help but plan his daily meals and therefore I send breakfast, lunch, two snacks, and his juice, water, tea, and milk! Oh yes, this is an illness. All of this planning stems from one deadly need. It is my need for control.


Actually this is a want but I mask it around like a need.

There are a lot of areas where I am perfectly capable of letting go of the control and others where I am exceptional at delegating. (Side note: after 10 years in the food service industry the last restaurant I worked for as a manager said upon my leaving that they will truly miss my capabilities of ‘delegating’ my work. I even managed to delegate my work to superiors at times masking it as their work! I’m that good!) I can let go of control in the dinner department at our house! MIL cooks most nights! I share in this but not on a daily basis. I also have let go of control in the laundry department! Hehe MIL is at home and does this for us too! I still pack away, scrub stains, and iron on weekends but during the week I am pretty much home free…yes I am spoilt still! Oh and the delegating! Since Hubby Dearest is at home all day as he works on call, I am quite capable at delegating certain tasks to be done each morning such as vacuuming the house or feeding the rats! Haha (insert evil laugh)

I love my family very much and am thankful for the fact that we have a system that functions most days without a hitch. I am not lazy but heck I work 10 hours a day, workout daily, have a toddler, am pregnant, and blog about it all!!

OKAY, back on point! I like to control my days. I control when I, my son, and my husband get up and get ready. I control how our mornings function, what Lil Mister wears and takes to school, and the mile long to-do list I am always editing. I freak if Lil Mister watches something I don’t approve of, is disciplined in a way I’m not comfortable with, or if the school did not handle a situation in the exact manner I would. I spend so much of my time planning that I forget to live sometimes. That is where God gave me a BIG reality check last week.

I’m actually not in control at all! I have all these plans but I’ve been failing to check with the big man upstairs whether or not my plans are matching his. It wasn’t in my plans to have a second child but here we are. I almost had a panic attack at first but now I am excited and ready to meet our bundle of love. It was in God’s plans not mine. I still think about all of my plans that got shifted around though. It wasn’t my plan when we gave up our apartment for a bigger house that we ended up not getting and had to move back in with our parents! It was in God’s plan though. And I’ve learnt to shift my views to do what he wants.

Oh but that control. You see, I’ve planned my maternity leave to a T. I will leave work half day on the 14th December. LJ is due on the 15th. I will do everything in my power to the extent of having an induction for LJ to be born on the 15th. He WILL NOT come early (you realize how distorted my plans make my logic!) I will begin my workouts again with walking on the 31st December. That is two weeks after LJ is born and that is when I was cleared for moderate physical activity with Lil Mister so I WILL be cleared this time. I WILL have a natural birth (I am scared to death of a c-section!). I WILL NOT have complications. LJ WILL be a boy….haha!! (Okay that one we have visual proof on but my mind was set even before the ultrasound! I think Hubby Dearest was relieved that LJ was a boy because he didn’t want to deal with the hormonal 20 week pregnant out of control wife!) I will run my 5km the 19th of April. See it is all planned. But….

What if God has other plans? What if LJ comes early and I must leave work sooner than planned. What if the gynae won’t induce (oh who am I kidding then I find one that will!)? What if LJ comes late? What if I have to have a c-section and am down for the full 6 weeks? I am starting to hyperventilate.

For most of you, these are all small things. One of those ‘it’s out of our hands’ type thoughts. God has everything in control. Yet, why does this not settle me? Why am I letting my fear of control loss impede my relationship with Christ?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6

In all your ways. This is where I got slapped in the face (okay literally Lil Mister was sitting on my lap and I was so engrossed in this verse that I didn’t notice his tractor needed fixed and wham!). But spiritually God knocked me one! Yea sure it is easy to give it to God once you can’t control it any more and you need Him to pick up the pieces. It is easy to say thank you when something great comes your way. It is easy to give your worship over and let His Spirit lead you where you need to go. But what happens when that worship leads you to your knees in front of God who is laying it out flat. No holds barred!!

I was on my knees while God starred down at me saying ‘Child, LET GO! You don’t know my plans for you. You have desires because I placed them in you for MY works! Your plans MUST line up with mine! You must let ME lead your family.’

Wait a minute, Lord. But my husband isn’t living a life in you right now. I need to be in control. I need to direct the spiritual warfare. I am the spiritual captain right now! If I let go, then who?

But God always has answers, you see. He made sure I knew right then and there that He was the captain. At that moment while I lay in bed trying to figure this puzzle out Hubby Dearest came in for the night and talked to me about everything going on in our life. We spoke about hurtful words and emotionally harmful choices. And God made sure I knew that was Him not me that lead that conversation. Although my prayers are still the most valid form of spiritual warfare, I must stop trying to lead where our battles go.

My need for control has gone so deep that I have taken away the pants in our family. Shame on me. I’m so focused on trying to do what is ‘right’ for my family I’m not asking God what he wants for my family. I have tried to take the lead position, a position in my family meant solely for my husband.

There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the Lord’s counsel- that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

So today, I pray. I pray for peace as I begin to let go. I pray for strength as I battle the internal fight for control. Most of all I battle for wisdom from the Lord. That I will know when He is pushing me forward and when He is telling me to hold back. I pray for my family as they unknowingly embark on this journey with me. I pray that I embrace the change in myself. I praise the Lord for the freedom I will feel knowing HE is in control of my life and that I happily sit in the passengers’ seat. I praise the Lord for the joy I will know in releasing what I can not have a say in. I praise the Lord for allowing me to be open to His criticism. Thank you Lord.

Proverbs 11:2 - 8

When pride comes, then comes shame, but with humility comes wisdom. The integrity of the upright shall guide them, but the perverseness of the treacherous shall destroy them. Riches don't profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death. The righteousness of the blameless will direct his way, but the wicked shall fall by his own wickedness. The righteousness of the upright shall deliver them, but the unfaithful will be trapped by evil desires. When a wicked man dies, hope perishes, and expectation of power comes to nothing. A righteous person is delivered out of trouble, and the wicked takes his place

Absent Motherhood

Oh, how I quarreled over writing today’s blog. I sought out every possible excuse for myself and exasperated every possible angle of deception. However, my self imposed battle was lost and I decided for my own sanity it was time I faced the ugly truth of this long lurking demon.


There is no sugar coating it. For what I will share is truly a demon of all circumstances. I envision this entity now fat and content sitting on a lazy boy made up of years of my internal struggle, my condemnation, my guilt, my anguish, my hatred, my judgment, and my questions of self, family, and God. This demon is now settled in his place in my life. He has a past with me of over 20 years. The majority of what is in my cognitive mind in which he can recall at will. My life is consistently scarred by the small cuts he had made into the background.

I’ve tried to say I’ve dealt with all of it. I’ve claimed in public that I now understand the truth. I can put on a face and falsify that I have accepted the reality.

This is all a lie. I have, although, had enough and I am officially evicting this demon from my life. He will no longer take a residence with me.

My birth mother and father married young. Truthfully, they were the same age as Dear Hubby and myself when we married. F (birth mother) was the same age as I was when Lil Mister was born. The biggest difference however is that when I was 19 marrying the man of my dreams it was my first marriage and Lil Mister was my first child. F on the other hand took my father as her second husband at 19 and I was her second child. The first of which she already no longer had contact with (both husband and child.)

Oh, the deception this woman must have spun in her web. The filth that spewed from her lips in her mastery as she convinced my father that he was different. The disgust as I was formed from her. The lies of it all.

Then, tragedy fate struck. It was like clockwork. It was as if it had all been planned. F and my dad had separated and one morning I was left with my father and all of my stuff as she drove off. At 22, my father stood with a 1 year old girl and no wife. I praise him for the pieces of himself he had to strive to put back together as he made a home and a life for us.

I am sure the questions that have formed in my mind over the years have also plagued him on many sleepless nights. Nothing and no one can quench the thirst that will overwhelm you as you ask ‘what did I do’. There is not a person that can come into your life and replace such an overbearing form of rejection. No number of years passed will convince you that it IS better this way.

F left us. F left him. F left me. Judge A$$ ruled that I was to go with F at the age of 3 for two weeks to visit her family. I have bits of memories from said hiatus with F. They are few to say the most and take but a minute of recall. I do not remember her face or anyone else. I do remember a baby. Apparently my brother by the third man she’d caught in her web.

I returned to my father and F never looked back. In 20 years, there has been no contact, no letters, no phone calls, and no surprise visits.

Dad remarried. She is now my mom to this day. I am thankful to her but we are not as close as we may have been. My demon prevents this.

Around the age of 13 I began to get curious. I would look for her online. I’ve done this every since. For 10 years I have searched her name getting as far as a year back on information and then stopping because I need to pay for more updated information. I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t take my feet off and jump. 10 years of the heart racing feeling of wonder. Each time I search I find an article or a previous address or relative. I’ve phone to get no answer or a person who claims they don’t know F or they don’t speak English. I’ve envisioned myself getting into my car and driving to the address’ on my list until finally I arrive at her house.

In my dream, I would walk up to the door on a hot summer evening. She would answer and at first have no idea who I am. When I told her my name she would start to cry. I imagined she would embrace me as if she has missed me her entire life, as if this is as big a dream come true for her as it was for me. She would invite me in and we would sit in the backyard, drinking ice tea, and catching up all the time we’d missed. I’d meet her family and be accepted and we’d all live happily ever after.

No, my home life wasn’t bad. My mom and dad were wonderful parents and I have so many cherished memories. Still, the one who bore me had left and I’d always asked why. We were always listed in the phonebook so I assume she actually could have found me very easily. But never did….

So here we sit. I am 23 years old with my second child on the way and married for 3 years. That is 2 years longer than I’ve any record of her marriages lasting and I’m still my children’s mom and ALWAYS will be.

I wish I could admit that I’ve stopped the search or at least gotten the balls to pay for her current address (I guess I feel if I stumble upon it for free then it was meant to be but I’m pushing things if I pay…) but I cannot say either of these. Just a few months back I feel succumb to the trap of needing wanting to know. I found out that about 3 ½ years ago, almost 1 month to the day, before I left America for South Africa, the house she’d been living in had burnt down. She survived because her dog woke her up. There was a newspaper article and it had a picture of her. I printed it. For days I sat staring at her face. I cried everyday. We look so much alike. Eventually I had to put it away.

All the questions come back. Why didn’t she love me? Was it hard for her to leave? Has she ever tried to find me? Why weren’t we good enough?

Then I think of my son. I grow a hatred for F at the idea of putting someone so small, innocent, and incapable through something so tragic painful.

I realize that even if I ever did find her, things would not go like they do in my imagination. There is the chance I would show up just to hear her say I never wanted you. I couldn’t or didn’t love you. I never tried to find you. I would listen to her reasons and be overcome with more grief and anger. There is even the chance that she would say she had tried but my dad wouldn’t allow it. Then I have even more questions that I don’t want to have.

I wish I could say I’m fine. No, today I secretly cry sometimes when I consider the rejection. Today I have an overbearing sense of need to control EVERYTHING that is going on in my life (and yes I realize this is impossible and that it affects my husband…we’re I’m working on that one!) for fear that if someone else is in control it will not work out. And yes, I am indefinitely scared that anyone I attach myself too is eventually going to leave me, especially women (a blog on my relationship up’s and down’s and the struggle to be a daughter to my MIL is a whole blog in and of itself…because she is truly amazing!). Thus, my reason excuse as to why I have left every meaningful relationship in my life (my parents and family, friends, churches).

I guess I’m a work in progress but there is one thing I understand more than ever now. After having my own children, I understand the deep seeded necessity that is your mother. No matter how amazing another woman is. No matter how much another mom loves you. There is an understated drive in us that fuels a need want for at the least knowledge of that person. I say want because we are capable to survive without this desire being fulfilled. My children NEED me because I WANT them. Although I grew up in a two parent home there was a parent missing and I understand now the fear that so many adults walk around with. I also understand now, even if sometimes I cannot accept it, that it was not me. I could not have done anything to drive her away. It was an issue within herself. Whether it was hard for her or not I don’t know…for me it would be impossible. I’ve learnt so much respect for what my father went through and love him so much more than I can express for building the life he did for us. I respect him for moving on no matter how destructive it felt to himself. I respect and love my mom for stepping into a role that she didn’t have to. I thank her for loving me as her own. But the most precious lesson gift I’ve received from all of this, is knowing I am NOT F. I am me. I love my children and will NOT leave. For years I feared it was genetic and that I’d do the same as her. I am NOT F. For that I can sleep.