Letting Go of the Fear

Recently, I spoke about a promotion Hubby might be able to get. He currently works in the spares industry; meaning he sells car parts!

Truthfully, I am so super proud of him! He has worked extremely hard this last year to prove himself within the company, to build up his clientele, and truly get to know the business. And I know it hasn’t been easy at times!

Late last year, we started noticing a shift in how things were happening. Simply, from what he was telling me the manager and area manager said and the extra duties he was doing...I could see that they were impressed with him. Then he got asked early this year to go assist another store in a stock take. For these stores, stock take is a weekend long job and takes multiple people.

It was a huge boost for Hubby. It meant a lot to be requested for something like this. So when the position for a manager at this other branch came available, I started praying about it.

I felt encouraged by the Spirit to tell Hubby to apply for the position. We thought at best it would show the company that he was interested in advancing and possibly give him the opportunity to gain some feedback about how to prepare himself for such a position.

After that, we kind of forgot about it! We knew he applied but truly and honestly NEVER expected to hear anything back! Then the week before last, his manager was away on conferences. He phoned Hubby and told him that he had to be in this new town for an interview the following Monday!

We were in shock! We still are a little bit as today (a week from the first testing) Hubby is in Johannesburg for another set of testing and interviews for the position!  I know he is starting to get himself excited as his manager talks that this is a real possibility and that Hubby’s chances are good. Still, we know there is a possibility of getting a no answer.

However, we needed to start thinking about the what-ifs. We immediately started looking at renting costs and school costs so we could get an idea of what kind of salary Hubby would need. Then reality set in for me.

If Hubby gets this job, I will be so happy and proud and supportive. If Hubby gets this job, it means we are moving....

It will mean starting over....again. It means pulling my beautiful children out of a school they are so incredibly happy with. It means searching....again...for that right school. It means putting my boys in the hands of people I don’t know and trusting they do things right.

It means me looking for a job...again. It means once again trying to prove myself when everyone is looking at me sideways for being different. It means trying to convince people that I understand enough Afrikaans to work for their company and that my visa really does allow me to have a job. It means starting at the bottom and crawling up....again. My biggest fear is that it will mean going back to the restaurants....again.

It will mean Hubby and I being on our own and isolated. We know only a couple of people there. No one that we can really have a social life with. It means leaving my bestie C....the truest friend I’ve had or will have in this country. It means praying and hoping that our friendship can survive the distance. It means not being able to just pop over for a cup of coffee.

It means looking for a new church again. It would mean the craze of trying to find a church that is okay with our rambunctious boys and accepts us for who we are as a family. It would mean trial and error....waiting for the Spirit to guide us where we belong.

It would mean setting up house again. We would need to find a house....one that fits all our needs...in an area that is safe....it means loosing Maggy.

Most of all, if Hubby gets this job, and God tells us to go, it would mean accepting that we were wrong. It would mean that Groblersdal wasn’t our landing point. That this place we’ve dug our roots into so deeply would have just been a stop along the way.

I’ve allowed my heart to grow here. I’ve allowed myself to finally feel like I’m home here. I’ve allowed myself to soften to the people and their ways here and accept this place for the beauty it is. I’ve allowed this town to become home....

What if I don’t feel the same about this new place? What if I go through homesickness again? Can I survive it again? Can I be isolated again?

There are so many questions right now and the uncertainty of our situation is straining me. I’m praying constantly. I’m trying to let it go and hand it all over to God. But the questions lurk with me all day long. When I’m at work, I wonder how long I will have to continue this job I have so loved.

When I speak or see friends, I wonder when it will be the last time. When I walk into our house, I wonder how many more days I will call this home.

I will follow, support, and show pride for Hubby no matter where he goes or what he does! And we will tackle this next adventure, should that be God’s will, with smiles and ready hands....as soon as I swallow the fear!

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XOXxx

Shana Danae..