I thought I was emotional during pregnancy but it was nothing compared to how I’ve been feeling since giving birth! I had forgotten the floods that hit you when you have a newborn in the house.
It is more than just the unbelievable fact that this little person came from me. It is more than knowing that I am completely responsible for another life. It is more than wondering what type of person this little child will grow into.
This is a deep, tugging emotion. It is one that draws on the very strength I keep as a mother. It is a desire for my child’s future.
Yes, you read correctly, desire. I’m not interested in rushing to the future if that is the impression you have received.
No, I am yet a typical mother who in a moment of weakness will admit to wishing my children would stay small forever (then Lil Mister flies into a academy award winning tantrum and LJ provides me with an 8th dirty nappy for the day; in which case I come back to my senses and scream inside ‘WHEN WILL IT END?’)
What I desire about their future is not the completion of it but the experience of it. I desire that they know every joy this life can offer them. I wish that they know of no fears when it comes to chasing their dreams. I long to see them achieve personal greatness whether that is being financially successful, finding true love, or becoming a missionary.
But this world always has a way of slapping reality on us in our moments.
I’ve not blogged about what happened in Connecticut simply because I have nothing to really say over the matter that hasn’t been said already. It isn’t that I don’t feel anything for the loss and tragedy but my words merely do not add to the healing process.
This situation did strike home with me despite living so far away. I look back over the years and wonder what has become of the world and where are we headed (by the way if we’re reading this then the world DID NOT END! ;-])
The tragedy I’ve witnessed in my lifetime is probably no worse or any better than that of previous generations but I do believe it is on a different level.
I remember the Colombine shooting and the Oklahoma bombing being those of the first murder-suicides to really affect my generation. There’s been the twin towers and the thousands lost in war. We’ve had numerous school shootings since then and now a terrible attack on a generation not even old enough to understand. I don’t think any of us are ever old enough to understand.
How can I possibly lead my children into a desirable future in a world that is so undesirable?
I’m not sure I’ll have the answers anytime soon. I am sure however that I’ll spend many more hours over the next many years simply staring at my children trying to figure out if I’m leading them in the right direction.
I’ll spend countless nights praying tears of protection over them and their lives. I’ll spend ridiculous amounts of time filtering what they see via TV and internet and what they hear through the radios. I’ll weed through their friends even when they are embarrassed by my choices and I’ll ensure that they know what is acceptable in our home.
However, all of this will be left to them each day that they step out of my door. Each moment that they are no longer within my physical reach I will be praying to God that they are making the right choices and that I have prepared them to the best of their abilities.
So as LJ sleeps I look to his tiny feet. I ask myself and God, where will these feet carry him? They seem so small yet the future seems so big. Will I have raised him to stand firmly? Will I have raised him to walk in the right directions?
I look to his tiny hands. I think that one day these hands will be used by God to do great things. They will provide a home for him and his family. They will provide love for a wife and protection for a child. They will provide hope for a stranger. They will provide God for a sinner.
I look to my tiny child and pray that I raise him from a little person to a big future. I pray that I will carry him through the dark times and teach him to always seek the light. I pray that I will accept that I cannot always protect him but that I know I will have always done everything I could.Shana..