Conquering PPD: Step 1 Finding the Shift

I was discussing with a friend recently about depression and I’d realized that I hadn’t wrote anything about my....my....I don’t like the word battle because I don’t feel I’m battling. I mean, of course, I struggle and of course I attempt to overcome it, yet I just feel battle is too strong...to violent of a word. But alas I digress. 

I haven’t spoken on PPD in quite a while is the point. So....we were discussing the beginning point. Not the realizing I had PPD....I’ve wrote about that.

No, we were discussing the what comes next. You see, once you admit you need help (which is a very hard step) and see a doctor....it doesn’t just magically go away. Oh...how I wish it did.

In all reality, it becomes a daily struggle that you need to work through. You need to learn new coping mechanisms and figure out what triggers you.

But you have to begin somewhere....

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and by no means am I a psychiatric professional. I do not attempt to in any way claim expertise on the matter or suggest that a person use my words as a means of therapy. This is merely my experience and what helped me.

STEP 1: Find the shift.

The beginning point for me to heal my mind and my heart began at finding where it all began. Did I confuse you there? It’s okay. What I mean to say is that I had to look for the point in which everything seemed to start going skew in my life.

This seemed so huge and scary because to be honest I thought I’d never figure it out. It wasn’t a specific date. No....there wasn’t a bright light bulb going off saying on this date of this month of this year...I began to become depressed.

Rather, I started searching my mind for the last time in my life I could remember being genuinely content with life. There were moments of extreme happiness over the past few years i.e. when both my sons were born. But that didn’t constitute an overall happiness in life. It was a spark....a fleeting moment. It didn’t add up to be a fulfilled, happy, and satisfied life.

extreme happiness

extreme happiness

I wasn’t always like this. I knew there was a time where I was filled with life. There was a time where I was carefree, happy go lucky and positive that things would always work out. I wasn’t perfect....jeeze...far from it! It’s just, there was a time when my outlook towards life wasn’t so dark. It was full of life.

I needed to remember when this was.

Once I really thought about it, I started going back through journals and reading. I started talking to Hubby again about the past and how things used to be. Please, understand, it doesn’t mean my life was all dark and gray. There were extreme places of joy in my life. In the past few years, I’d given birth to two wonderful and amazing boys. This was probably the highest point of my entire life! I’d met some amazing friends and had some great memories with Hubby.

What I was trying to figure out was where the shift happened. I was am a functional PPD conqueror! I mean by this that my daily life continued to carry on. I wasn’t curled up in a ball on my bed unable to carry out my duties. Sometimes I wished I was....but I wasn’t. I was still cleaning house, changing nappies, giving bottles and reading bed time stories.

The problem came in that I was an angry depressant. I would get mad over nothing. I would raise my voice for silliness and I forgot what it was like to play and smile through the day. This in return made me sad. It made me despondent. It made me sick of myself.

So, I was searching for when I lost the happy, positive, go with the flow (okay scratch that....I was always pretty controlling) carefree girl.

And I found it. I received a job offer 6 months into our marriage that seemed ideal. Hubby was happy for me and proud because it was a good job opportunity. I was ecstatic because it was something I had been slowly without realization been building up to for many years.

It didn’t turn out so fantastic. I went away for what was supposed to be a few weeks of training in a town nearby. The distance proved more difficult for us than expected and we both let each other down.

This was where my attitude...my outlook changed. 

This post was written as part of a series following my conquering of a PPD diagnosis. Click the link to read more.

If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information. 
And please don’t feel alone!
Postpartum Progress
Surprising Symptoms
Ivy's PPD Blog
First Time Mom and Dad
PPD to Joy

If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little emailor drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!

XOXxx

Shana Danae..