Wednesday, 20 February 2013

The War Inside

I lie in bed staring at the ceiling. The alarm went off ages ago. I don’t want to know about the day ahead of me.
I sit in the silence. It feels like it is suffocating me. I can feel my body beginning to tense. My heart is racing far too fast for my still body.
The kids are quiet…to quiet. Why aren’t they awake? Don’t wake up. Not now.
I close my eyes. I’m not ready to face to day. I can’t handle another step forward. Time is standing still. I’m not coping with all of this. It is impossible for anyone to successfully take care of two kids these ages and a house. Hubby Dearest is unreasonable for expecting it of me.
This angers me. Why can’t he see how hard it is for me? Why does he listen to all these women who LIE and say it’s possible?
These ridiculous women with 5 kids. They get help from their husbands. That is how they do it. They LIE to me…to everyone….about how they manage. They’re screaming on the inside….just….like….me.
Lil Mister is crying. He’s awake. Why does he have to cry so much? Other two year olds don’t wake up crying…every….frackin….day. When will this be over? What am I suppose to do today?
I scream on the inside.
I get up. I go to Lil Mister. I feel guilty for getting upset that he is crying. I cry. Then I get angry that I’m crying over something so ridiculous.
Why won’t Hubby dearest get up? I know I’m still on maternity leave, but really! It is 6 am already!! Why is he so lazy? I have to be up so he must get up! His job isn’t nearly as difficult as me being at home!
LJ wants to eat again. That is all I do….feed him and keep Lil Mister from breaking down the house.
Why is it so hard? Why can’t I get a break just one day?
Maybe I can just walk out the door and not look back….No NO. I could never leave my babies. I cry again having thought this. They deserve a better mom. One who can handle this better?
Lil Mister is bored. He’s frustrated. I’m screaming. I’m just so angry. All the time…I’m angry. WHY????
I lie down at night. I stare at the ceiling. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I want to sleep but it doesn’t come. My head hurts because I’m so tired.
I feel lost in a dark world. Everyday it’s like I can’t see past this black fog that drapes my mind, my emotions, my life. Every now and then I try to stretch my arms out and reach for something…anything…anyone. But I retreat. Nothing will change this. No one can understand.
Why has everyone abandoned me? Why do they keep saying they understand? They cannot possible understand! If they understood they wouldn’t keep saying it gets better!
The anger and irritation is absorbing me. It is becoming all of me. Everything everyone does bothers me. I can’t stick to a routine. I’m lost in my own head.
I feel like a lion trapped in a cage and like a boat lost at sea all at once.
The weight is heavy on my shoulders; crushing on my chest…..

Have any one you ever felt like this? This is how it was for me after LJ was born. The first couple of weeks were great. We were falling into a routine and everything seemed so much better than I had thought possible.
But around week 3 after LJ was born, everything started going south very quickly. Hubby dearest thought it was too boring for Lil Mister at home and that is why he was acting up so much. I resented him for this because it felt like he was trying to deprive me of my time with my kids before I went back to work.
I was irrationally angry all the time at everything that everyone did. I was unreasonable in my expectations of Lil Mister and I couldn’t cope if the day went slightly off track of what I planned. Most days I wouldn’t even bath until evening because I just couldn’t manage my time.
It was so easy for me to just stare off into the nothingness during the time the kids slept.
I would punish Lil Mister for being naughty and then cry because I punished him.
He felt it. LJ felt it. We all felt it.
I thought returning to work would make the difference. Settle into a routine and get out of the house is what I kept telling myself.
It didn’t help though. In the afternoons I was even more angry and upset.
I decided I had to talk to a doctor. This was probably the single most emotional doctor’s appointment I’ve ever had.
I debated going in. I finally decided it wasn’t okay for my children to suffer because of my stubbornness. They did deserve better. Not a better mom than me…no. Just the best version of myself that I could be!

Have you ever felt like this? Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe you don’t battle with anger, but you might be weepy. Maybe you aren’t irritable but still feel lost in a haze of one day blurred into another.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to share with you my ‘uphill’ battle with PPD.
I battled after Lil Mister was born for months and never sought help. My weight dropped to 44kg and I never had energy. I ate normal so we didn’t understand. It was an internal battle that was raging inside of me. It affected my health, my family, and my relationships.
Luckily, for me, my love for my son helped keep me centered and the never ending support of my family secured my safe return.  When I started working out and exercising again, it got better and when I fell pregnant with LJ my hormones leveled out.
I knew going into this labor that I might face these demons again. I thought this time the exercise and training would help.
I figured knowing the warning signs would mean I could prevent it and fight it off on my own! I was WRONG!

If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.
And please don’t feel alone!

 If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little email or drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!
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  1. I have a 15 week old and while I can't say I have ever felt like you have above, there are some days that are hard and some that just float by.

    I LOVE that you find therapy in writing and pouring out your feelings will genuinely help you... You are so aware of your emotions that this whole bump in the Mommy road will pass and you, as you say yourself, will be the best version of you that you can be.

    You are strong. You are doing great. You are Mom.

    Found you on the Meet Me Mondays blog hop! So glad to have popped by... *waves hello* from a new follower, Hazel x

    1. "Bump in the Mommy road" I love it! That is an excellent positive spin! I'm going to use that sometime! I don't envision myself as strong but I'm thankful you do! Thank you for your support!

  2. Hi Shana,
    Thank you so much for including a link in your post to my blog! I am adding a link to yours under PPD (if you don't mind, that is). Thank you for sharing your experience with others. Like Hazel mentions in her comment, it is wonderful that you are finding an outlet for your experience and feelings through your blogging. You can see from my blog and the others whose links you've included in this post that you are far from alone. Anger is but one of the many ways that PPD manifests itself with moms suffering from PPD. If you are on Facebook and/or Twitter, are you aware of the PPDChat group, led by Lauren Hale? If you ever feel the need to reach out to me, let me know. I will leave you with my email address. Hugs to you.

    1. Thank you so much Ivy! And I absolutely do not mind! Feeling alone is one of the worst parts of PPD and if in any way I can prevent someone else from feeling that way, then it is all worth it. I'm very blessed to have found an outlet. Thank you for all your writings and support!

  3. wow! I would say I understand you also because I've been in that situation where I feel guilty about feeling angry or sad about doing mommy things and feeling like I have no break but i guess I don't really know because I haven't suffered from PPD. Thanks for sharing your story. Very brave of you!

    BTW-Am your newest follower! join the link up from nanny to mommy. Hope you can visit me at

    1. I think guilt goes hand in hand with mommyhood. I hope and pray we all learn to manage it and use it for the good it can provide rather than letting it control us! Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoy it!

  4. Wow. This is beautiful. I was fortunate enough not to struggle with PPD but I have battled depression in my past and from time to time wonder if I've ever truly beat it. I have days were I feel down or helpless or angry or frustrated and it feels like I'm on a downward spiral back to that once hopeless girl so many years ago. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share something so deeply personal. I look forward to hearing and relating more. If you ever need to talk I'm always here. Xoxo.

    1. Thank you so much! I feel you on the downward sprial. I'm still new at dealing with it but it does feel like something I'll never trully beat but only learn to control. I hope and pray I'm wrong. I hope we learn the signals and how to work through it! I don't see myself as brave but thank you. It means a lot to me! I pray for your struggle too!

  5. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Here from the weekend showcase and I wish you lots of compassion from everyone, but especially from yourself. Hugs and BB2U

  6. Thanks so much!! hope you hang around and can view a bit of my lighter side too! ;-)




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