Fitness Friday {2}

I find myself through the first couple weeks of my new fitness plans. I assure you that it is more difficult than I had imagined (I’m a glass half full girl!) but I’m coping well! You’re probably eager to hear about how week one went?? Well...

Recap 31 December- 6 January:
It wasn’t as good as I’d hoped. My plans were to walk everyday and get in 2 workouts. I only got in 1 workout and walked twice. It is harder than I imagined to get the kids into a routine. I have a feeling this is going to take a few weeks to get down right. LJ was doing excellent since birth at feeding. His timing was perfect for me to get in an early run. However, now that I wanted to begin training again he has moved his routine around completely and is cluster feeding from 4am to about 10am! I can’t get him settled long enough for me to be out the door! I’m holding thumbs for the future weeks!
I will say my motivation is good. I’m eager to get out there and love the feeling I have once I’m done. It is bringing back a lot of memories and I enjoy that I feel I’m setting a good example about a healthy lifestyle for my children! I’m rewarding myself with ice cream since my usual Sunday night glass of wine as a reward for meeting my goals is out the window what with breastfeeding and all! ;-)
Future outlook:
I’ve acquired a plan via Womens Health about getting yourself running 30 minutes in 30 days. You can check it out here for more details to how the plan works. I’ve incorporated this into my plans along with some strength training.

As I’ve said, these are my goals. Everything is subject to change based on how my mind and body copes.

Jan 14: 25 minutes walk/run; 20 minutes full body workout
Jan 15: 25 minutes walk/run; 20 minutes abs workout
Jan 16: Semi-rest day 30 minutes yoga
Jan 17: 25 minutes walk/run
Jan 18: 20 minutes abs workout
Jan 19: 25 minutes walk/run; 30 minutes yoga

Wish me luck and stay tuned next week!



Shana..

You'd be surprised...

To know!
I’m a pretty open book. If you’ve been reading my blog for sometime or have perused the archives at all, you will have gained quite a bit of knowledge about, well, me! Yet, there are times where even I ask if I really know me.


I used to do a lot of people watching back in the States. I loved going to a popular café or restaurant and grabbing a secluded corner table where I could see the door. I would watch people come in and write the first word I thought about the first person I saw. I’d then continue to let the image of that person pull things from my mind. As they would sit with their party and enjoy their time I would continue to document character traits and actions that either agreed or disagreed with my original judgment.

I could spend hours sipping coffee and filling up my notebooks with such characterizations.
I often wonder if this is what people do to me.
When I walk into a shopping centre with my son in tow, what do people assume about me?
What impression do I make when I first step into an interview?
What kind of notion do you gain of who I am when you first look at my blog?

Hmm…it got me into a deep thought. Am I jumping off the pages that I write? Am I screaming this is me and I’m proud? Or do I scrutinize each word wondering how you perceive it?

Who am I? I’ve wrote a post similar to this before; find it here. But here’s a few things I bet some of you weren’t aware of!!

1) I never lived outside of the town I was born in until I packed up and moved to South Africa!

2) I’d never been to South Africa when I moved here. Actually, I’d never been out of the country at all!

3) I’d only ever met Hubby Dearest 3 times in person when I decided to move here. We actually had not seen each other face to face in 7 months! We dated/were engaged for 3 months when we got married!

4) I’m actually very self conscious. I’ve always been outgoing but one of my biggest flaws is that I’m always concerned with how others perceive me and therefore prevent myself from being myself sometimes.

5) I have a very hard time making girl friends. I’ve always been the girl that was actually friends with the boys!

6) When I first decided to come to South Africa (before Hubby Dearest) it was to be a missionary/volunteer.

7) I hate, with a passion, any form of kidney, chicken hearts, pigs feet or other funny body parts that are used in cooking! I can’t even stand the smell of it!

8) I can whip up tears like a Hollywood actress. I can cry at the drop of a dime. Ask for tears and they will come; I just don’t know how to stop them!

9) I only ever wanted daughters until I had a son! Now all I want is boys and thank God everyday for changing my mind!

10) I despise medications. I have a pharmacy account because of how sick Lil Mister was as a baby, but actually have to FORCE myself to even take vitamins.

11) MY favorite hairstyle I’ve ever had was when I was blonde! I don’t care how many people say it didn’t suit me…I loved it!

12) I pray about 100 times a day. Okay not that much but I find myself constantly carrying on a conversation with God in my head. It keeps me grounded.

13) I can eat an entire large pizza by myself and then finish it off with a cheesecake. Please don’t ask me to prove this because I do NOT want to make up the run I’ll have to do afterwards!

14) I’m really REALLY bad at learning foreign languages! I’ve lived in South Africa in an Afrikaans household for almost 4 years and am just now speaking in a very toddler form. I still ask ‘what’ about 20 times in the 30 minutes of Afrikaans news at night!

15) I get embarrassed so easily! I hate it. I can talk about almost anything but if you joke or tease me I almost clam up so tight you need the Jaws of Life to get me back!

16) I Google EVERYTHING! For example, one night we were debating the name of a movie at home. Our parents and my husband had a good laugh because they thought the name I said was not only wrong but hilarious! I got up and went and Googled because I had been laughed at! I have no problem proving I’m right either!

17) I love salty & sweet stuff together! I dip McDonalds French fries in Mcflurries! No I do this when I’m not pregnant! Hot and cold too! I love a hot piece of steak dipped in ice cold sauce!

18) I could eat my weight in sushi! Shrimp too!

19) I would drink a glass of wine after every workout if I thought it was sociably acceptable. I’m pretty sure though my children will grow up with a complex from this!

20) I have no fear of snakes but a centipede makes me run for the hills! All those dang hair like legs…it’s just not right!

I’m sure there are more quirky facts to spew out but here are just the ones from the top of my head!! ;-)

Shana

Little Things....

It’s the little things.....

A while back I was so blessed to read a post from MCM Mama Runs. She took some time to remind those of us following her that it is the little things that tend to make such a big difference in our lives.

As I draw ever so near the end of my pregnancy, I have a lot of coals on some never ending fires. I find myself stretched thin between work and chores at home, family time, social time, and personal time. I seem to get lost in the post it notes and day journals that I’m not noticing the little things that are making me smile. So without further ado…..

Little things I’m thankful for each day….

The way Lil Mister calls out ‘Momma’ in the mornings before climbing out of his bed
The late night cups of coffee with MIL while the house is asleep
Morning sunrises as I get an early swim in
Feeling LJ move each night as I say prayers
Sisters and friends in God who bring light on the cloudy days
Fresh fruit and plain yogurt
Friends and co-workers who are believers and live a life dedicated to God whom I can look up to
The ability to take a photograph each and everyday
My husband’s strength and perseverance in tough times
The blessing of working on a farm and being able to watch the circle of life as our products plant, grow and harvest
The stillness as a summer storm breaks through the night sky
Evening walks with Lil Mister as he points out each new thing he has learnt
Having a job I enjoy and look forward to going to each day (and co-workers who make it even better!)
Technology that lets me stay in touch with family
Laying my head on my husbands chest
The joy on Lil Misters face when he goes ‘wee-wee in potty’
In-laws who stand by us through everything
Soaking my feet in the pool at night
A birds chirp in the morning….
The never ending love of God…
Baby kisses and ticklish toes…
My family
Shana

So you've got this parenting thing down....huh

“Your son is very clever. You must be a stay at home mom!”
“Umm…no actually I’m not. I work full-time.”
“Oh, well that’s a shame. You must pay like crazy then for the education!”

Jab. Double jab. That is all I could think. This was a conversation between me and Mr. P’s best man for his wedding. For me this was a knife straight to the heart. I’m sure it was not intended that way, but I took it personal. I mean this is MY child. What gives? Just because I work that automatically means that I spend no time with Lil Mister, is that it? Well, listen here condescending, narrow minded; my wife works so my children can slack excuse user! (Okay, actually this guy and his wife are pretty cool and get along great with us :-/ forgive my raging hormones for a minute while I stand proud on my soap box!) I spend every moment I get with my son! And no those hours are not filled with meaningless TV or random play. I put in effort! I know what they are teaching my son at crèche and we incorporate that into our everyday! Oh so Miss Clever School Teacher wants to teach about the color yellow this week…GREAT. Fan-friggintastic! We’re wearing yellow, eating yellow foods, and playing with those dang yellow toys! Not to mention that yes my family is bi-lingual so I have to do everything double! We separate the blocks into red, yellow, and blue and then mix them up again and separate into rooi, geel, and blou!! I make flashcards for my son. Oh yea, they are made on my computer but I did the friggin work! I googled the pictures and placed everything just right! I cut them out and laminated them because chocolate and paper glued to card stock DO NOT MIX! Phew….

In reality, I understood where he was coming from. Yes, I do feel that my 21 month old son is quite clever. I would love to blog the next 20 minutes about his development in two languages and how advanced his physical skills are (I’m big on athletics if you haven’t picked up on that), but that isn’t the point of this particular post. I’ll leave that one for another time when you really want to hear me brag!! ;-)

My focus is about the fact that I DO actually spend time with my son. There are so many debates going on that cling to two extreme sides of parenting. I automatically get grouped into a negative aspect because I work! I work for two reasons. The first reason is my family. We cannot afford only one salary at this time. Yes, many moms and “experts” are screaming right now that I should not have had children! Please refer to My Boys tab to learn about how Lil Mister came into our lives! It is not that we live an extravagant lifestyle, but we need both salaries. The second reason I work is personal. I enjoy working. I enjoy the satisfaction that I get from it. It is something that I need and want as a person. A career is something that helps me feel fulfilled. It is not my everything but I have goals and enjoy meeting those goals.

My point here is that we moms cannot just be lumped together into groups! Especially this “crunchy” group! I’m all for each mom having her own ways and believe that we should NOT be judging each other! We are here to support each other, laugh through the down falls together, smile when one can only see tears, and give advice. What works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another, right? Well, apparently according to some I am flat WRONG! I will continue to stand by my belief however! And will NOT tolerate being judged by women or men for that matter who obviously have too much time on their hands if they spend it ridiculing others…maybe they’re the ones that need to get a job and a life! RAWR!!

My parenting may not be perfect. Oh who am I trying to fool, I’m a mess at this most of the time but my son loves me! But I put my all into what I do. When I am with Lil Mister, he is my entire focus. I cannot tell you how many meals have been burnt because I was too engrossed in the tower we were building or how many times I’ve been doing laundry in the night because I spent my day time wheeling cars across the tiles. I don’t shove knowledge down my sons throat the whole day, but rather I try to tie things together. Such as a car is not just a car, it is a red or blue or whatever color car. Things are always big or small, in front or behind, on top or under. We don’t sit around doing nothing. We run, swing, ride bikes, and swim. It all seems pretty normal to us. Learning through playing is the number one concept. Those flashcards I made him have pictures of tractors. Why? Because he loves tractors! Counting is fun because we’re counting the pictures of tractors!

Oh sure, we have our issues. Like that my son has learnt the F word! Oh yea nothing like sitting in the grocery store and hearing my toddler say ‘F it’ and daddy covering it up by asking “waars die vouljie?” (where’s the birdie in Afrikaans but vouljie is kind of pronounced foolkey!). We always try to turn that word into something else when he says it. Just a few weeks ago Lil Mister comes home with a bite mark on his arm! When I’m told what happened he got bit by another little boy in whom he had first bit…my perfect angel would never, right? Wrong…we got problems. Do I think we have these because I work or that my parenting style is too loose? No. I think we have a normal toddler. I do know, however, that my son is clever because we make an effort to make learning fun. Learning and exercise are FUN in our house.

Yea, it’s pretty cliché but that is reality. If Lil Mister doesn’t like a method, we try something different. If an approach that worked for months suddenly stops working we change it. But one thing is for sure…I’m not the only working mom facing this dilemma! So my ideal for now is that I’m kind of chewy.

Chewy is not the opposite of crunchy. Chewy is a medium. Kind of like a chewy bar. They have some nutty parts and some hard parts but they’re still soft enough to get stuck in your teeth! I got a list about crunchy parenting from another blog and thought I’d share it and highlight what we are and are not.

• Attachment Parenting (we fit this to an extent….we do feel Lil Mister must explore his world and create some boundaries himself)
• Co-Sleeping (we both co-sleep and have a nursery. Lil Mister has always been put to bed in his own bed but at one point his bed was in our room too. He has had his own room and now sleeps there every night but he still wanders in to cuddle which is fine with us!)
• Baby Wearing (we do own strollers and used them regularly but it was easier to clean the house and/or shop when he was small if I had him in a sling!)
• cloth diapering (Considered this but the crèche won’t accept it and I don’t have the time or energy for scrubbing the darn things!
• Elimination communication?
• natural birth (I loved natural birth; my husband would prefer a c-section as opposed to going through it again with me! But I never judge a woman! Both types are there for a reason and I believe that you must do what is best for you and baby!)
• home birth ( if I had to give birth where I gave birth for Lil Mister again this would be at the top of my list but I’m still a ‘what if something goes wrong’ person and am much happier where there is a hospital!)
• water birth
• delayed cord clamping
• breastfeeding (I tried and was unsuccessful with Lil Mister. I will try again with LJ…again no judgment on formula using moms. I used formula and Lil Mister is the top in his class!)
• extended breastfeeding
• delayed vaccination
• selective vaccination
• vaccination exempt
• holistic medicine (we still use prescriptions. We however do try alternative methods first!)
• alternative health
• Veg/Vegan (I like my meat!)
• Tree Hugging drug free Hippy Mama
• Homeschooling/Unschooling
• Natural Products (we use if we can otherwise it is whatever is convenient…sorry!)
• Toxin Aware (this I am very careful for and avoid any products that can possibly be truly harmful!
• Plastic Free
• No Cry It Out (haha my temper gave to this one….sometimes Lil Mister has to cry it out or else Mommy and him are going to have a bad day! He is okay in spite of this…I’m not about to just give in all the time!)
• No Spanking (I got my butt whipped as a child and I still love my parents!)
• Peaceful parenting (We aim for this!)
• Minimalist
• Free Range Children? (are we talking about chickens here?)
• Child Led learning
• TV Free
• Limited Media (We do try to be strict about what Lil Mister sees and hears!)
• Eco-Friendly Home
• Buy WAHM
• Buy Small Business
• Buy Local
• Travel Green (On foot or Bike or bus)
• Organic Gardening
• Buy Organics First
• Poison Free Homes
• Midwife Care
• No Circumcision
• Handmade
• Activism
• Human Rights / Animal Right
• Active Parenting

So yea…we don’t always comply 100% with a category, such as eco-friendly home. We are not energy hogs and switching off lights and appliances are important. But no we are not ripping up the 20 year old tiles to put in new ones that are organic. We don’t necessarily strictly organic garden but we garden. I believe in researching my options and making a decision from there.

Can you relate?? Maybe you’re a little chewy as well??

Shana

What I Miss About America

• Lemonade stands….we never see kids doing this in South Africa! Partly because of the safety reasons which brings me to the second point….

• No fences…everyone has these fences and security gates around their houses and even businesses! I know there are fences in America but not like here! It’s a fence, with barbed wire and sometimes electrical wire at the top. It took months for me to get over it and even caused depression!

• Authentic foods…yes I get authentic South African and Boere kos! But I miss Mexican, Chinese, and Greek foods like I used to get in my home town. I miss the variety. Even after having been so close to a Mexican family and working in their restaurant I still cannot make the food :-/

• Snow…this will make my fourth Christmas in South Africa (Even I can’t believe it!) and I still can’t get used to it being so bloody hot in December! I haven’t seen snow since January 2009. I miss the cold….I miss the white Christmas…and to bring in the next point

• Holiday decorations…I know that a lot of you are moaning that it isn’t even Halloween yet and Target is displaying Christmas stuff but that would make me cry tears of joy right now! I know the point of the holidays but I miss that communal feel that we have back home. Here a business might put a few measly decorations but that is it. No houses competing for best lights, no non-stop Christmas music radio, no giant trees and enough garland in the mall to make you poo it out! I miss the tradition of driving through the town and looking at all the lights in the evening!

• Folgers….yes for me the best part of waking up was Folgers in my cup!! If I was to return to the States I would terribly miss our coffee here…but I am here and therefore am dying for filter coffee!! We drink instant and it is truly AMAZING…I only realized this after 6 months of living here. But the coffee back home… the tantalizing smell as it tickles me awake from my automatic brewing pot! The frothiness that occurs when you mix a little powder creamer with milk. The sweet, decadent, sinful, dessert that was Crème Brulee flavor! I miss my Folgers!

• Sunflower seeds…I grew up munching on sunflower seeds as a constant snack!! The ones with the shell still on them! Davids were always my favorite…but guess what!! We don’t get them here!! Go figure! I would have brought a years supply with me and portioned it for the next 5 years if I’d have known this!

• Swedish fish, Jelly Belly, Jolly Ranchers, Butterfinger bars, Starburst, Slim Jims, and Captain Crunch cereals…yes I’m pregnant but I miss these things all of the time!!!

• American Eagle and Aeropostal…we get great clothes here. Stuff I really like but I miss these two stores! I have yet to find a store that clothes fit so nicely on me especially the American Eagle denims!!

• Roasted Nuts…those terrible varieties of nuts that they always roast in the malls around Christmas time and sell in the plastic bags! OMW…I hated these at a stage after working a Christmas season in the mall but I’d sell my right arm (not actually) to have a bag of nuts now! Hehe

• Drive through banking…simply stated…I miss it!! That little tube you put your money and papers in!! We don’t have it…anywhere…at ALL!!!

• Wal-Mart…to do my monthly shopping I go to 6 different shops if I’m lucky. Usually it is more! I miss being able to shop in one place and that place being 24 hours a day!

• Krispy Kremes…stop laughing!! I know I’m pregnant but I truly miss these darn donuts! Especially the New York Cheesecake one!! OMW….mmm

• Running at night…yes we can do group runs and such things but I can’t just go run really early in the morning or late at night like I used to do in the States. It just isn’t safe.

• Driving at night…as a kid when it was a boring Saturday night my parents would have us climb in the car and go for a drive in the country. We’d park along the side of a corn field and lay on the hood looking at the stars and talking. I LOVED this…again we avoid something like this unless you have a friend that owns a property to go onto because it isn’t safe.

• Family… I miss my family. I have family here and I love them with all my heart but I miss these people who I grew up with. I miss the traditions we had. I miss the familiarity. I miss the comfort. I miss their love.


Me and my youngest brother Jadyn!!!


• And finally…a random list of all I can think of!!

o Affordability

o Tornado Watching

o Sledding

o Hot cocoa curled up in front of a fire place

o Free concerts!!

o Parades

o State/City fairs

o Crown Royal (sorry but just a glass every now and then!)

o Southern/Country living

o SUPPORT OUR TROOPS

o American pride

o Seeing the flag everywhere

o Country music (we get that here but it is always behind!)

o Summer camps/ Church camps

o Liquid coffee creamer

o Long John Silvers

o Monicals Pizza/ Papa Johns Pizza

o Steak n Shake Restaurant

o Burger King

o All you can eat buffets!! (My husband LOVED this when he was in the States!)

o Calling the body of water a lake and the physical structure holding back the water a dam! Here they call the whole body of water the dam…really irritates me!

o My dad’s BBQ chicken!

o Tailgate parties

o American Football and SUPER BOWL!!!

o The summer holidays

o Halloween (especially now that I have kids of my own :-/)

o Chicago and EVERYTHING about that city!

o My friends…we still talk but yea I need to see them!

o The American spirit…I can’t explain this one…a person can only know it!

o Yellow taxi cabs!!

Most of this seems ridiculous or simple or unimportant but it is all things that were part of everyday life that are not anymore and I miss it. These are things that I took for granted and never understood that I looked at these things as part of what made my home a home and that home defined a part of me. I’m still Shana…I’m just learning to be Shana somewhere else! One day I’ll post about all the reasons I love South Africa!! ;-)

I claim no rights to any photos…they are all from Google but they just help reiterate the point! (Except for the one after family!!)

Shana

Who is in control?

I’m a planner. Yep, I said it! I have a day planner for the entire year with month, week, and day sections. It has more tabs than some of the creditor files in my office. I spent weeks planning my planner. I have a blog planner too. I use this almost as often as I do chap stick! It is always open on my desk right with my planner. I jot ideas down, blogs to reply too, and plan the next entry (3 weeks away!). I also have a fitness planner! My first 4 months after pregnancy are already planned out for a perfect and natural labor. I have decided when will be my first 5km and researched and planned every second of my training. The school where my son attends for daycare provides breakfast, lunch and snack. Yet, still, I can’t help but plan his daily meals and therefore I send breakfast, lunch, two snacks, and his juice, water, tea, and milk! Oh yes, this is an illness. All of this planning stems from one deadly need. It is my need for control.


Actually this is a want but I mask it around like a need.

There are a lot of areas where I am perfectly capable of letting go of the control and others where I am exceptional at delegating. (Side note: after 10 years in the food service industry the last restaurant I worked for as a manager said upon my leaving that they will truly miss my capabilities of ‘delegating’ my work. I even managed to delegate my work to superiors at times masking it as their work! I’m that good!) I can let go of control in the dinner department at our house! MIL cooks most nights! I share in this but not on a daily basis. I also have let go of control in the laundry department! Hehe MIL is at home and does this for us too! I still pack away, scrub stains, and iron on weekends but during the week I am pretty much home free…yes I am spoilt still! Oh and the delegating! Since Hubby Dearest is at home all day as he works on call, I am quite capable at delegating certain tasks to be done each morning such as vacuuming the house or feeding the rats! Haha (insert evil laugh)

I love my family very much and am thankful for the fact that we have a system that functions most days without a hitch. I am not lazy but heck I work 10 hours a day, workout daily, have a toddler, am pregnant, and blog about it all!!

OKAY, back on point! I like to control my days. I control when I, my son, and my husband get up and get ready. I control how our mornings function, what Lil Mister wears and takes to school, and the mile long to-do list I am always editing. I freak if Lil Mister watches something I don’t approve of, is disciplined in a way I’m not comfortable with, or if the school did not handle a situation in the exact manner I would. I spend so much of my time planning that I forget to live sometimes. That is where God gave me a BIG reality check last week.

I’m actually not in control at all! I have all these plans but I’ve been failing to check with the big man upstairs whether or not my plans are matching his. It wasn’t in my plans to have a second child but here we are. I almost had a panic attack at first but now I am excited and ready to meet our bundle of love. It was in God’s plans not mine. I still think about all of my plans that got shifted around though. It wasn’t my plan when we gave up our apartment for a bigger house that we ended up not getting and had to move back in with our parents! It was in God’s plan though. And I’ve learnt to shift my views to do what he wants.

Oh but that control. You see, I’ve planned my maternity leave to a T. I will leave work half day on the 14th December. LJ is due on the 15th. I will do everything in my power to the extent of having an induction for LJ to be born on the 15th. He WILL NOT come early (you realize how distorted my plans make my logic!) I will begin my workouts again with walking on the 31st December. That is two weeks after LJ is born and that is when I was cleared for moderate physical activity with Lil Mister so I WILL be cleared this time. I WILL have a natural birth (I am scared to death of a c-section!). I WILL NOT have complications. LJ WILL be a boy….haha!! (Okay that one we have visual proof on but my mind was set even before the ultrasound! I think Hubby Dearest was relieved that LJ was a boy because he didn’t want to deal with the hormonal 20 week pregnant out of control wife!) I will run my 5km the 19th of April. See it is all planned. But….

What if God has other plans? What if LJ comes early and I must leave work sooner than planned. What if the gynae won’t induce (oh who am I kidding then I find one that will!)? What if LJ comes late? What if I have to have a c-section and am down for the full 6 weeks? I am starting to hyperventilate.

For most of you, these are all small things. One of those ‘it’s out of our hands’ type thoughts. God has everything in control. Yet, why does this not settle me? Why am I letting my fear of control loss impede my relationship with Christ?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6

In all your ways. This is where I got slapped in the face (okay literally Lil Mister was sitting on my lap and I was so engrossed in this verse that I didn’t notice his tractor needed fixed and wham!). But spiritually God knocked me one! Yea sure it is easy to give it to God once you can’t control it any more and you need Him to pick up the pieces. It is easy to say thank you when something great comes your way. It is easy to give your worship over and let His Spirit lead you where you need to go. But what happens when that worship leads you to your knees in front of God who is laying it out flat. No holds barred!!

I was on my knees while God starred down at me saying ‘Child, LET GO! You don’t know my plans for you. You have desires because I placed them in you for MY works! Your plans MUST line up with mine! You must let ME lead your family.’

Wait a minute, Lord. But my husband isn’t living a life in you right now. I need to be in control. I need to direct the spiritual warfare. I am the spiritual captain right now! If I let go, then who?

But God always has answers, you see. He made sure I knew right then and there that He was the captain. At that moment while I lay in bed trying to figure this puzzle out Hubby Dearest came in for the night and talked to me about everything going on in our life. We spoke about hurtful words and emotionally harmful choices. And God made sure I knew that was Him not me that lead that conversation. Although my prayers are still the most valid form of spiritual warfare, I must stop trying to lead where our battles go.

My need for control has gone so deep that I have taken away the pants in our family. Shame on me. I’m so focused on trying to do what is ‘right’ for my family I’m not asking God what he wants for my family. I have tried to take the lead position, a position in my family meant solely for my husband.

There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the Lord’s counsel- that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

So today, I pray. I pray for peace as I begin to let go. I pray for strength as I battle the internal fight for control. Most of all I battle for wisdom from the Lord. That I will know when He is pushing me forward and when He is telling me to hold back. I pray for my family as they unknowingly embark on this journey with me. I pray that I embrace the change in myself. I praise the Lord for the freedom I will feel knowing HE is in control of my life and that I happily sit in the passengers’ seat. I praise the Lord for the joy I will know in releasing what I can not have a say in. I praise the Lord for allowing me to be open to His criticism. Thank you Lord.

Proverbs 11:2 - 8

When pride comes, then comes shame, but with humility comes wisdom. The integrity of the upright shall guide them, but the perverseness of the treacherous shall destroy them. Riches don't profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death. The righteousness of the blameless will direct his way, but the wicked shall fall by his own wickedness. The righteousness of the upright shall deliver them, but the unfaithful will be trapped by evil desires. When a wicked man dies, hope perishes, and expectation of power comes to nothing. A righteous person is delivered out of trouble, and the wicked takes his place

I Am.....

I orginally found this blog at YKIHAYHT and since I do absolutely love her blogs I knew I had to repeat it. It was stored away for today! It is a quick brain jog. It is simple. It is fun. It is a great piece of writing to keep for the days when you need a little self motivation. They idea is to be POSITIVE!
The rules are easy:
Write for 5 minutes without stopping. No editing, no proof reading, no checking.
When you're done hopefully you'll post it and share with us!
I know...it seems like SO MUCH right! It's not! We all want our blogs to appear so laid out and perfected but here is a chance to be real and be proud of it! So Go For It!!!

I am Shana.
I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am a child of God.
I am unique. Not in the sense that I am so different from the average mom/wife but that God specifically designed me for a purpose.
I am seeking. I am seeking answers to lifes big questions. I am seeking ways to show my boys how to be Godly men. I am seeking peace. I am seeking me.
I am a runner...although I can't right now. It is in my body like blood or bones! I need it like I need oxygen.
I am a girl who loves to laugh. Sorry to all the sappy romantics but I'll choose a comedy any day. I think laughter feeds the soul! It is good for us!
I am a hopeless romantic. No matter how bad things get I believe in my marriage and I believe in my love at first sight husband. I believe in us.
I am a faithful person. I talk a lot and that makes people think that I spill everything, but this isn't true. I am faithful to my husband. I am faithful to the secrets shared between friends. I am faithful to my word once given. I am faithful to myself and my values.
I am American!! Whoa...that was something I never thought I'd be ashamed of and am SO So proud I got over it! I am AMERICAN!
I am also South African. I love this country. I am glad to raise my children here. I am excited to put that on my name!
I am creative.
I am a planner...obsessively.
I am goal oriented. There are goals and places I want myself and my family to be. Everything I do is focused on achieving those goals!
I am a person who tends to put myself last! Yes although I eat healthy and workout I always find ways to do that around what my husband, kids, parents and siblings need first! We are a big happy family in one house and you know what...I don't even mind being last! (MIL and I compete for that spot because we LOVE seeing our family happy!)
I am a loving and caring person.
I am in love with my husband.
I am Shana.

Shew that wasn't so hard and I wrote much more than I thought!! I hope that you can take from this what you need, learn a little about me, and do it for yourself!! Have fun!

Absent Motherhood

Oh, how I quarreled over writing today’s blog. I sought out every possible excuse for myself and exasperated every possible angle of deception. However, my self imposed battle was lost and I decided for my own sanity it was time I faced the ugly truth of this long lurking demon.


There is no sugar coating it. For what I will share is truly a demon of all circumstances. I envision this entity now fat and content sitting on a lazy boy made up of years of my internal struggle, my condemnation, my guilt, my anguish, my hatred, my judgment, and my questions of self, family, and God. This demon is now settled in his place in my life. He has a past with me of over 20 years. The majority of what is in my cognitive mind in which he can recall at will. My life is consistently scarred by the small cuts he had made into the background.

I’ve tried to say I’ve dealt with all of it. I’ve claimed in public that I now understand the truth. I can put on a face and falsify that I have accepted the reality.

This is all a lie. I have, although, had enough and I am officially evicting this demon from my life. He will no longer take a residence with me.

My birth mother and father married young. Truthfully, they were the same age as Dear Hubby and myself when we married. F (birth mother) was the same age as I was when Lil Mister was born. The biggest difference however is that when I was 19 marrying the man of my dreams it was my first marriage and Lil Mister was my first child. F on the other hand took my father as her second husband at 19 and I was her second child. The first of which she already no longer had contact with (both husband and child.)

Oh, the deception this woman must have spun in her web. The filth that spewed from her lips in her mastery as she convinced my father that he was different. The disgust as I was formed from her. The lies of it all.

Then, tragedy fate struck. It was like clockwork. It was as if it had all been planned. F and my dad had separated and one morning I was left with my father and all of my stuff as she drove off. At 22, my father stood with a 1 year old girl and no wife. I praise him for the pieces of himself he had to strive to put back together as he made a home and a life for us.

I am sure the questions that have formed in my mind over the years have also plagued him on many sleepless nights. Nothing and no one can quench the thirst that will overwhelm you as you ask ‘what did I do’. There is not a person that can come into your life and replace such an overbearing form of rejection. No number of years passed will convince you that it IS better this way.

F left us. F left him. F left me. Judge A$$ ruled that I was to go with F at the age of 3 for two weeks to visit her family. I have bits of memories from said hiatus with F. They are few to say the most and take but a minute of recall. I do not remember her face or anyone else. I do remember a baby. Apparently my brother by the third man she’d caught in her web.

I returned to my father and F never looked back. In 20 years, there has been no contact, no letters, no phone calls, and no surprise visits.

Dad remarried. She is now my mom to this day. I am thankful to her but we are not as close as we may have been. My demon prevents this.

Around the age of 13 I began to get curious. I would look for her online. I’ve done this every since. For 10 years I have searched her name getting as far as a year back on information and then stopping because I need to pay for more updated information. I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t take my feet off and jump. 10 years of the heart racing feeling of wonder. Each time I search I find an article or a previous address or relative. I’ve phone to get no answer or a person who claims they don’t know F or they don’t speak English. I’ve envisioned myself getting into my car and driving to the address’ on my list until finally I arrive at her house.

In my dream, I would walk up to the door on a hot summer evening. She would answer and at first have no idea who I am. When I told her my name she would start to cry. I imagined she would embrace me as if she has missed me her entire life, as if this is as big a dream come true for her as it was for me. She would invite me in and we would sit in the backyard, drinking ice tea, and catching up all the time we’d missed. I’d meet her family and be accepted and we’d all live happily ever after.

No, my home life wasn’t bad. My mom and dad were wonderful parents and I have so many cherished memories. Still, the one who bore me had left and I’d always asked why. We were always listed in the phonebook so I assume she actually could have found me very easily. But never did….

So here we sit. I am 23 years old with my second child on the way and married for 3 years. That is 2 years longer than I’ve any record of her marriages lasting and I’m still my children’s mom and ALWAYS will be.

I wish I could admit that I’ve stopped the search or at least gotten the balls to pay for her current address (I guess I feel if I stumble upon it for free then it was meant to be but I’m pushing things if I pay…) but I cannot say either of these. Just a few months back I feel succumb to the trap of needing wanting to know. I found out that about 3 ½ years ago, almost 1 month to the day, before I left America for South Africa, the house she’d been living in had burnt down. She survived because her dog woke her up. There was a newspaper article and it had a picture of her. I printed it. For days I sat staring at her face. I cried everyday. We look so much alike. Eventually I had to put it away.

All the questions come back. Why didn’t she love me? Was it hard for her to leave? Has she ever tried to find me? Why weren’t we good enough?

Then I think of my son. I grow a hatred for F at the idea of putting someone so small, innocent, and incapable through something so tragic painful.

I realize that even if I ever did find her, things would not go like they do in my imagination. There is the chance I would show up just to hear her say I never wanted you. I couldn’t or didn’t love you. I never tried to find you. I would listen to her reasons and be overcome with more grief and anger. There is even the chance that she would say she had tried but my dad wouldn’t allow it. Then I have even more questions that I don’t want to have.

I wish I could say I’m fine. No, today I secretly cry sometimes when I consider the rejection. Today I have an overbearing sense of need to control EVERYTHING that is going on in my life (and yes I realize this is impossible and that it affects my husband…we’re I’m working on that one!) for fear that if someone else is in control it will not work out. And yes, I am indefinitely scared that anyone I attach myself too is eventually going to leave me, especially women (a blog on my relationship up’s and down’s and the struggle to be a daughter to my MIL is a whole blog in and of itself…because she is truly amazing!). Thus, my reason excuse as to why I have left every meaningful relationship in my life (my parents and family, friends, churches).

I guess I’m a work in progress but there is one thing I understand more than ever now. After having my own children, I understand the deep seeded necessity that is your mother. No matter how amazing another woman is. No matter how much another mom loves you. There is an understated drive in us that fuels a need want for at the least knowledge of that person. I say want because we are capable to survive without this desire being fulfilled. My children NEED me because I WANT them. Although I grew up in a two parent home there was a parent missing and I understand now the fear that so many adults walk around with. I also understand now, even if sometimes I cannot accept it, that it was not me. I could not have done anything to drive her away. It was an issue within herself. Whether it was hard for her or not I don’t know…for me it would be impossible. I’ve learnt so much respect for what my father went through and love him so much more than I can express for building the life he did for us. I respect him for moving on no matter how destructive it felt to himself. I respect and love my mom for stepping into a role that she didn’t have to. I thank her for loving me as her own. But the most precious lesson gift I’ve received from all of this, is knowing I am NOT F. I am me. I love my children and will NOT leave. For years I feared it was genetic and that I’d do the same as her. I am NOT F. For that I can sleep.