Who is in control?

I’m a planner. Yep, I said it! I have a day planner for the entire year with month, week, and day sections. It has more tabs than some of the creditor files in my office. I spent weeks planning my planner. I have a blog planner too. I use this almost as often as I do chap stick! It is always open on my desk right with my planner. I jot ideas down, blogs to reply too, and plan the next entry (3 weeks away!). I also have a fitness planner! My first 4 months after pregnancy are already planned out for a perfect and natural labor. I have decided when will be my first 5km and researched and planned every second of my training. The school where my son attends for daycare provides breakfast, lunch and snack. Yet, still, I can’t help but plan his daily meals and therefore I send breakfast, lunch, two snacks, and his juice, water, tea, and milk! Oh yes, this is an illness. All of this planning stems from one deadly need. It is my need for control.


Actually this is a want but I mask it around like a need.

There are a lot of areas where I am perfectly capable of letting go of the control and others where I am exceptional at delegating. (Side note: after 10 years in the food service industry the last restaurant I worked for as a manager said upon my leaving that they will truly miss my capabilities of ‘delegating’ my work. I even managed to delegate my work to superiors at times masking it as their work! I’m that good!) I can let go of control in the dinner department at our house! MIL cooks most nights! I share in this but not on a daily basis. I also have let go of control in the laundry department! Hehe MIL is at home and does this for us too! I still pack away, scrub stains, and iron on weekends but during the week I am pretty much home free…yes I am spoilt still! Oh and the delegating! Since Hubby Dearest is at home all day as he works on call, I am quite capable at delegating certain tasks to be done each morning such as vacuuming the house or feeding the rats! Haha (insert evil laugh)

I love my family very much and am thankful for the fact that we have a system that functions most days without a hitch. I am not lazy but heck I work 10 hours a day, workout daily, have a toddler, am pregnant, and blog about it all!!

OKAY, back on point! I like to control my days. I control when I, my son, and my husband get up and get ready. I control how our mornings function, what Lil Mister wears and takes to school, and the mile long to-do list I am always editing. I freak if Lil Mister watches something I don’t approve of, is disciplined in a way I’m not comfortable with, or if the school did not handle a situation in the exact manner I would. I spend so much of my time planning that I forget to live sometimes. That is where God gave me a BIG reality check last week.

I’m actually not in control at all! I have all these plans but I’ve been failing to check with the big man upstairs whether or not my plans are matching his. It wasn’t in my plans to have a second child but here we are. I almost had a panic attack at first but now I am excited and ready to meet our bundle of love. It was in God’s plans not mine. I still think about all of my plans that got shifted around though. It wasn’t my plan when we gave up our apartment for a bigger house that we ended up not getting and had to move back in with our parents! It was in God’s plan though. And I’ve learnt to shift my views to do what he wants.

Oh but that control. You see, I’ve planned my maternity leave to a T. I will leave work half day on the 14th December. LJ is due on the 15th. I will do everything in my power to the extent of having an induction for LJ to be born on the 15th. He WILL NOT come early (you realize how distorted my plans make my logic!) I will begin my workouts again with walking on the 31st December. That is two weeks after LJ is born and that is when I was cleared for moderate physical activity with Lil Mister so I WILL be cleared this time. I WILL have a natural birth (I am scared to death of a c-section!). I WILL NOT have complications. LJ WILL be a boy….haha!! (Okay that one we have visual proof on but my mind was set even before the ultrasound! I think Hubby Dearest was relieved that LJ was a boy because he didn’t want to deal with the hormonal 20 week pregnant out of control wife!) I will run my 5km the 19th of April. See it is all planned. But….

What if God has other plans? What if LJ comes early and I must leave work sooner than planned. What if the gynae won’t induce (oh who am I kidding then I find one that will!)? What if LJ comes late? What if I have to have a c-section and am down for the full 6 weeks? I am starting to hyperventilate.

For most of you, these are all small things. One of those ‘it’s out of our hands’ type thoughts. God has everything in control. Yet, why does this not settle me? Why am I letting my fear of control loss impede my relationship with Christ?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6

In all your ways. This is where I got slapped in the face (okay literally Lil Mister was sitting on my lap and I was so engrossed in this verse that I didn’t notice his tractor needed fixed and wham!). But spiritually God knocked me one! Yea sure it is easy to give it to God once you can’t control it any more and you need Him to pick up the pieces. It is easy to say thank you when something great comes your way. It is easy to give your worship over and let His Spirit lead you where you need to go. But what happens when that worship leads you to your knees in front of God who is laying it out flat. No holds barred!!

I was on my knees while God starred down at me saying ‘Child, LET GO! You don’t know my plans for you. You have desires because I placed them in you for MY works! Your plans MUST line up with mine! You must let ME lead your family.’

Wait a minute, Lord. But my husband isn’t living a life in you right now. I need to be in control. I need to direct the spiritual warfare. I am the spiritual captain right now! If I let go, then who?

But God always has answers, you see. He made sure I knew right then and there that He was the captain. At that moment while I lay in bed trying to figure this puzzle out Hubby Dearest came in for the night and talked to me about everything going on in our life. We spoke about hurtful words and emotionally harmful choices. And God made sure I knew that was Him not me that lead that conversation. Although my prayers are still the most valid form of spiritual warfare, I must stop trying to lead where our battles go.

My need for control has gone so deep that I have taken away the pants in our family. Shame on me. I’m so focused on trying to do what is ‘right’ for my family I’m not asking God what he wants for my family. I have tried to take the lead position, a position in my family meant solely for my husband.

There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the Lord’s counsel- that will stand. Proverbs 19:21

So today, I pray. I pray for peace as I begin to let go. I pray for strength as I battle the internal fight for control. Most of all I battle for wisdom from the Lord. That I will know when He is pushing me forward and when He is telling me to hold back. I pray for my family as they unknowingly embark on this journey with me. I pray that I embrace the change in myself. I praise the Lord for the freedom I will feel knowing HE is in control of my life and that I happily sit in the passengers’ seat. I praise the Lord for the joy I will know in releasing what I can not have a say in. I praise the Lord for allowing me to be open to His criticism. Thank you Lord.

Proverbs 11:2 - 8

When pride comes, then comes shame, but with humility comes wisdom. The integrity of the upright shall guide them, but the perverseness of the treacherous shall destroy them. Riches don't profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death. The righteousness of the blameless will direct his way, but the wicked shall fall by his own wickedness. The righteousness of the upright shall deliver them, but the unfaithful will be trapped by evil desires. When a wicked man dies, hope perishes, and expectation of power comes to nothing. A righteous person is delivered out of trouble, and the wicked takes his place

I Am.....

I orginally found this blog at YKIHAYHT and since I do absolutely love her blogs I knew I had to repeat it. It was stored away for today! It is a quick brain jog. It is simple. It is fun. It is a great piece of writing to keep for the days when you need a little self motivation. They idea is to be POSITIVE!
The rules are easy:
Write for 5 minutes without stopping. No editing, no proof reading, no checking.
When you're done hopefully you'll post it and share with us!
I know...it seems like SO MUCH right! It's not! We all want our blogs to appear so laid out and perfected but here is a chance to be real and be proud of it! So Go For It!!!

I am Shana.
I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am a child of God.
I am unique. Not in the sense that I am so different from the average mom/wife but that God specifically designed me for a purpose.
I am seeking. I am seeking answers to lifes big questions. I am seeking ways to show my boys how to be Godly men. I am seeking peace. I am seeking me.
I am a runner...although I can't right now. It is in my body like blood or bones! I need it like I need oxygen.
I am a girl who loves to laugh. Sorry to all the sappy romantics but I'll choose a comedy any day. I think laughter feeds the soul! It is good for us!
I am a hopeless romantic. No matter how bad things get I believe in my marriage and I believe in my love at first sight husband. I believe in us.
I am a faithful person. I talk a lot and that makes people think that I spill everything, but this isn't true. I am faithful to my husband. I am faithful to the secrets shared between friends. I am faithful to my word once given. I am faithful to myself and my values.
I am American!! Whoa...that was something I never thought I'd be ashamed of and am SO So proud I got over it! I am AMERICAN!
I am also South African. I love this country. I am glad to raise my children here. I am excited to put that on my name!
I am creative.
I am a planner...obsessively.
I am goal oriented. There are goals and places I want myself and my family to be. Everything I do is focused on achieving those goals!
I am a person who tends to put myself last! Yes although I eat healthy and workout I always find ways to do that around what my husband, kids, parents and siblings need first! We are a big happy family in one house and you know what...I don't even mind being last! (MIL and I compete for that spot because we LOVE seeing our family happy!)
I am a loving and caring person.
I am in love with my husband.
I am Shana.

Shew that wasn't so hard and I wrote much more than I thought!! I hope that you can take from this what you need, learn a little about me, and do it for yourself!! Have fun!

Lots and Nots of Frineds

I apologize in advance...this turned out really long! Read it though! It's great!!

One of the hardest things about having relocated across the world is the loss in friendships. Since living in South Africa, my husband and I moved quite a few times. We have been blessed to have finally settled in the small town we now are in. We’ve been here for two and a half years. Unfortunately, strong bonded relationships with other people do not just spring up over night. It is a process. It is trial and error.


As a young adult single woman in America, I had so much going for me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I see what I left behind. I do not hold regret to this. I left my life there because God showed me that He had more planned for me and that it was here. I thank God for molding me to be a God fearing and God trusting woman.

I had a strong church that believed in me and my faith in God. This was a church that had taken me the first 17 years of my life to find. It was a church where the worship fed my Spirit and the pastors and spiritual leaders fed my Soul. I developed for the first time a personal and deep relationship with Jesus Christ at the steps of that alter. I had friends with whom I conversed and spent time with daily. Friends in Christ with whom I could tell when I was unsure and uplift when they were lost. We could worship together, pray together, and sit unmoving in the awe of the Spirit together. This church taught me to embrace my spiritual gifts and to not be ashamed in the face of others who did not understand. This church prepared me for a relationship with Christ when one day that church wouldn’t be there.

I have a family there who has known me since birth. This doesn’t seem like much until those people are no longer a daily part of your life. My family was my solid ground. No matter how we fought or disagreed I always knew they wanted what was best for me even if they didn’t know what it was. I knew that I was never disgraced in their eyes and I was always accepted even when I didn’t believe it! These people knew the ins and outs of my personality like I knew theirs. Nothing caught us off guard. There was no “learning” period. This family taught me to appreciate every moment with the people you love.

I had friends with whom I had spent years getting to know. Some of these friends we’d come from elementary school together while others were relationships that developed once the freedom of the open road hit (in other words once I was 16 and freely mobile between schools!). These were friends who’d seen me at my worst and at my best. They were the ones I had crazy memories with, some of which we couldn’t even tell the story because we’d laugh to hard. They were the ones who knew in a moments notice that something wasn’t right with me. They were a small group that was thicker than blood at the time. They were friends that taught me what I wanted and NEEDED from a friendship and that which I did not.

I had a culture that I knew. I didn’t have to question what was acceptable. I didn’t have to think about how I might not be able to find something that I was so used to being a normal part of life. I knew the history and I knew what to expect. I wasn’t the odd person out. This culture showed me how to be comfortable being myself in a very judgmental world.

When you make a choice to step into a new world, you make a decision to leave these comforts behind. Sadly, these are all people, places, and things that I took for granted because they were a part of my everyday life for as long as I could remember. They were me and I was them. I’ve now been in South Africa for 3 years and 7 months. I’m married with a child and a second on the way. I work and study here. I have a church here. I am still the different one. I am still the outsider.

In the small town where we live I am The American. This is genuinely the title given to me. If talking to someone you know, you would say I saw Shana, The American, at Spar yesterday. In America I was still an American, but I was just Shana. I wasn’t the one with the accent. I wasn’t the one to ask questions to compare football and rugby, baseball and cricket. I didn’t need to defend my stance on inter-racial marriages or my views on the war in Iraq. I never got asked to describe differences in family life between a boyfriend and my family nor the foods that his mom cooked and my mom cooked. These are all new territories. I NEVER thought I’d have to defend just being me and explain that I WILL NOT ever completely change and leave who I was to become complete in the views of a different culture.

Let me just note that Hubby Dearest and I do work very hard to blend our cultures. A person will think that we cannot be so different, both Christian and that our children do not face animosity here as we are both white (South Africa is still a very race oriented country as so much of each culture is centered around their race!). However, we struggle with the differences of our cultures, values, and beliefs. We differ on discipline and political stands. There are even family values that we’ve both had to merge. And yes even our children are questioned as to how do we raise them, English or Afrikaans. Again, I will not completely leave who I was but I do give. We find our medium.

Almost 4 years down the road, I’m still the outsider. Now my husband and I are placed in a new and VERY SMALL town and we’re both outsiders. The only difference is that we’re like celebrity outsiders (insert Miranda Lambert’s Famous in a Small Town). This brings me to the point of meaningful relationships outside of our immediate family that is here with us. I had forgotten the ups and downs of this road. When I first came to South Africa it was quite simple. My husband and I lived where he had lived for 7 years. He had the friends and I just joined in. Some I liked and some I didn’t and that was that. I didn’t need to search. They were provided for me. In a sense this was great because I had enough transition as it was! But when we both moved, we had to start from scratch. This can sometimes be quite tiresome and even painful.

It is a lot like dating. You put your best face on, get out there and give it a go. Sometimes it is stale. These are ‘bread friends.’ Like bread that your brother left the bag open on. It would still fulfill its purpose but yet you walk away still feeling like you’ve lacked something.

Other times it down right burns! You meet a couple of friends and they seem wonderful, great at first! Much like that wonderful looking burrito that the person at the table next to you ordered in the Mexican restaurant. So you tell the waiter you want that! It looks great and smells great. It even has some really cool name that makes you drool as it rolls of the waiters tongue. That is how the ‘Chili friends’ are. At first they seem like the perfect ones. They are fun and exciting and that first couple of times you do something together you walk away having a feeling of fulfillment. This could be it! But just like that burrito something sneaks up. Sometimes it’s early on, other times you’re half way through before you realize that your mouth is ON FIRE!! You quickly reach for the bread, ‘bread friends’, to drown out this burn. What is it? Oh, yea, that word that sounded so great was translation for ‘burn you’re a$$’ chili. You immediately regret ever ordering it. Nothing takes it away. That is how these friends are. They seem perfect but sure enough you end up in pain.

Sometimes your husband finds a friend that he feels is great. They can hang out and chat and whatever men do, but you can’t stand him! It happens vice versa too. I call these Avocado friends. Typically an avo is something one person loves and the next hates. This is also terrible because it usually ends up in fighting every time said spouse will be around that friend. There are the single friends whom are great in small portions (like dark chocolate) but they never mix with your daily life as milk chocolate would. And the list goes on.

This has been our experience over the last couple of years. There have been all out wars over whom we’re going to be around. Each of refusing someone for some or other reason. There have been couples whom it was great with for a time until one of realizes what the other one has been trying to show us…that they’re ‘Chili friends.’ There have been tears as I realize that a female I thought I could trust was the one trashing my name around town. There have been laughs as we go home having felt so awkward like on a blind date!

I’m thankful for my husband because he has stuck by through this transition. Some of you will say well obviously but heck it is a long road!! It is a dark tunnel at times. So dark we couldn’t even see each other was our misery of loneliness. As humans we need friends. It is in our nature. No matter how much I can tell my husband I need a girl friend to spill it out too and he needs a guy friend to just be a guy with! But at the end of this dark tunnel is light, ‘Sun Friends.’ (They’re called this because they are light and warmth on cold days, they are a reason to frolic and have fun. You always leave happy you were there.) That is what I realized last weekend at a wedding….





Us on the left, wedding couple, more friends and in the all black is Mrs. Paramedic (Mrs.P) 

 
There was a wedding for two friends. It has been a long road with this couple. My husband and I both are having been at fault for some dark times. But at the end the friendship has carried through and we are all adult enough to turn our backs to the past and look forward. For this I am thankful because I truly cannot imagine life without these people any longer. These friends are the light. Two couples in particular. The other is getting married next weekend. I am blessed to have been friends with them to witness these magical days in their lives!! Last weekend there was laughter, there was a little nudging (okay I’m pregnant and at a wedding maybe I wasn’t the best attendee! My poor husband sometimes! :-/) and there was honesty. We were all ourselves. At the end of the night when we were all ready to make the 30km drive home, we were all too good of friends to allow friends to risk the drive. Even if it meant 30km took us 2 ½ hours, 5 stops, a tow, brake failure, and quite a bit of fighting. We knew that is what friends are for…doing what is right even in the face of threats. Even if it wasn’t what the particular couple wanted.




Oh yea we're that cool (notice the time!)


As we drove home that night, all the couples mixed up in each others cars, we all realized one very important fact. We’re willing to go just about anywhere and to any length for each other. For the first time since being in South Africa, I finally felt ‘home.’

I was told a story from the night before. One couple in particular (the ones getting married next weekend!) was one of our very first friends in our town. The man is a paramedic and so he and Hubby Dearest met on duty at accident scenes and struck a friendship. The wife is an amazing, God loving, woman who always seems to bring out the best in me! I’ve enjoyed their company since day one. I’ve also been blessed to be so close with them at a time when my son was very sick! Mr. Paramedic has even promised to ride with me when I go into labor if he is not on duty (hospital is an hour away without traffic) as Hubby Dearest will need to follow in our vehicle and I don’t want to be alone! The night before the wedding this couple and some others were having a braai. Another friend asked Mr. Paramedic where I was from. After an hour of confusion and running every place he could think of through his head he finally stated he didn’t know what she was talking about because ‘Shana is South African.’ Mrs. Paramedic laughed and reminded him that they were talking about my accent and that I was from America. We are so close that they don’t hear my accent any longer as others do. To them I am ‘Just Shana.’ Secretly that night when I got home I cried tears of joy. For me this was the ultimate acceptation. To them I am no longer an outsider.

That is the groom listening to LJ and the one behind him is another friend (who used to be my boss!!)

At 3 am, two of the wives/fiancés and I sat in the lounge together waiting on our men to finish the chauffeur job. We laughed as we discussed how wonderful it would have been for a McDonalds to be in our town (or anything 24 hours!) and how much the next that morning was going to suck as we all had to be up in 4 or less hours. I looked into the faces of these women and realized their love for each other, their men and us was what mattered. We don’t have the history of years together, but one day we will have. We have the future together. We discuss the fears and joys of raising our children (or future children). The hopes we have and dreams. We promise to be there and uplift each other.

It’s been a long hard road to get here today. I don’t have the numbers of friends I had back in the States. I don’t have my birth family at hand. I don’t have all of the familiarity. But I have true friendships now. I have understanding friendships. I have family who’ve been there through some pretty rough waters. And I have a family and a home that we’re working to make our own. For me, I’m pretty appreciative.




It was the end of the night and only close friends were left and yes we are like this all the time! We do not judge!



Week 30

Another week down and I’m getting more and more excited. I still haven’t packed a hospital bag! I’m terrible! I’ve got a plan laid out for after LJ joins us for running and getting back into shape and I believe I have found a partner for all of this! What is even better is that it is finally hot enough here to be in the pool!! I spend my weekends completely exhausted from continuous jumping and splashing! Soon I’ll be doing morning swims again! YAY!


Total Weight Gain: 14 pounds!
This week, Baby is the size of a: head of califlower!!! (I wonder how long he stays this size lol ;-])

How far along? 30 weeks, 5 das

Due date: 15 Dec 2012

Total weight gain/loss: 0000

Maternity clothes? Haha still not…I figure I’m riding this one out until the end!!

Sleep: I've resorted to having to sleep sitting up. It happened all of the sudden. Like wham bam thank you mam but tonight you are no longer comfortable!
Best moment this week: Finally feeling like I'm bonding with LJ. So often I just feel like he is there and I want him to be a part of our family because he is!! Oh and winning the really awesome breast pump!

Food cravings: I still want Mexican…and anything salty

Movement: His movements are definetly getting more distinct and exact! Sharp pains at times.

Symptoms: LJ is all up in my back lately!! I'm considering alternative methods j/k but really!

Labor Signs: Nope!

Stretch Marks: nope and we’re working hard to keep it that way!

Swelling? Just my feet and ankles still...my face seems a little swollen as well :-/

Belly Button in or out? its definitely almost out.


What I miss: dancing! We were at a wedding this past weekend and it was so awkward lol And we've got another one next weekend haha all our friends get married while I'm pregnant!

Feeling toward Pregnancy: It's gone too quickly and I haven't taken the time to enjoy it!

What I am looking forward to: taking some time off from work just to be Mom to both my kids!

Milestones: grr...my milk started coming in...I hate these ridiculously full breasts that decided to jump up a size overnight!

News: Still no appointment! I’m ridiculously upset and frustrated!! All I can tell myself is that for some unknown reason this is all part of God’s plan!


GENERAL NEEDS

 4-6 Tommy Tippee bottles (I’m not using Liams again) (I've acquired 2 this week!!)

 Dummy

 Toweling nappies (Just need to embroider them now!)

 Hats

 Bibs

 Socks

 Stage 2 diapers

 Stage 3 diapers



 Wet wipes** I like to stock up

 Breast pads (I have one pack now so I'm waiting to see how the breast feeding goes this round!)

 Aqueous cream

 Baby powder

 Baby oil

 Bum cream

 New monitors

 Nipple cream

 Face cloths

 Pharmacy stock (Panado, tissue salts, boscopan, ect)

****Things I’d like to have*****

 New breast pump (I received a great gift from Living and Loving and Avent in a new pump!! Now I can use Liam’s old bottles with stoppers in them for storage as it fits the pump!)

 Microwave sterilizer

 2x more blankets

 2x more receiving blankets

 New nappy bag

 2x new towels

0-3 MONTHS

 Coming Home Outfit (Need wool! A friend is going to crochet a jacket and hat and booties for him! Then we'll just wear a vest and white pants!)

 2x summer jammies

3-6 MONTHS (this is where I gave a lot of Liams stuff away!)

 12x vests (4 long sleeve) (I got 2!!)

 4x cotton pants (with feet)

 2x summer jammies

 4-6x T-shirts

 3-5x Rompers (I got 1!!)

 3-5x Onesies (I got 2!!)

6-12 MONTHS (this is a season change from winter to summer for us! 3 months in each season)

 2x Winter jammies

 3x summer jammies

 2x jackets

 4x cotton pants

 3x shorts

 2x long sleeves

 6x short sleeves

 12x vests

 2x Rompers

Shana

Inspiration....

Inspiration is a tricking concept. Inspire is described as the action of filling a person with an animation, quickening, or exalting influence. It is to directly influence another person in a positive manner. Inspiration, therefore, is a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind and soul….


Hmm…okay that is my smarts for the day. But what does this have to do with anything you ask.

I’m getting there! Hold your horses!

Some are easily inspired. In a lot of ways I envy these people. For it seems as if the mere sight of a butterfly flapping its wings against the wind can create within them a master piece.

On the other hand, I am grateful that I am not so instantaneously swayed. I prefer that it takes more to get under my skin. Blame it on my stubbornness but I just can’t usually take just any person’s words or actions to heart and develop a new outlook or creativity from this. Inspiration is something that I typically believe comes from within. There are triggers like a beautiful sunset or the solemn view of a bird at the waters edge, but it is the idea that is already inside of you that these images bring out.

Still, there has been one source of inspiration for me over the years. It has taken me a little while to figure out where this inspiration was leading me and I’m actually quite distraught with myself to realize it has led me to the most obvious place. Again, my strong head probably blocked all of these years what was already there!

The origination of this inspiration is in another person. This person, well woman, began inspiring me in high school (the height of my stubbornness). I have since been able to stalk follow her on the web across the world with the wonders of social networking! ;-) She was a teacher of mine. Allow me to rephrase that. I was a student of hers. I had many teachers in the literal sense of the word, but I was a student to so few of them in reality. The rest I was merely a talkative know it all in their daily classroom! I choose to say it this way because although I had many adults standing in front of classrooms rambling on about I don’t know what over the years, it was a very select few that actually knew how to dig deep and teach lessons that we will apply in life. Not anyone can impact their students’ lives years later in the way Mrs. McClure has mine. It takes a special kind of person to do this.

I don’t believe I was the easiest student to deal with. I seemed to have been a late bloomer in the mind to mouth filter department and was always easily distracted. Also, despite being smart, I had this thing against homework and always managed the most absurd excuses as to why it wasn’t done!

Sidebar: Let me thank you now, Mrs. McClure, and all my other teachers!, for listening to the nonsense and pushing me forward! I raise my water glass (we’ll pretend it’s wine!) to you!!

Even with the challenges Mrs. McClure would put into our class work, I always looked forward to her class. I actually took a semester of economics just to be in her class again after a year in European history. (This must tell some of you how great she is because she even made dead fat guys and political finances seem interesting!)

The part I enjoyed the most over those few years in her classes was that she was personal. She was real! She did what she loved and joined her other loves with it! All her students know she is a tri-athlete because she openly talks about it all the time (and I only saw her twice in 4 years without New Balance on!) and she hangs all her numbers from races in her classroom! She brought her excitement into everyday. She would give us a run down, play by play, after each race. We were tuned in and aware of her training for Iron Man. She was honest when it was good and honest when it was bad. None of this had a lot to do with history (other than hers!) except that we had a much more open classroom. We spoke on current events. Everything from politics to TV shows.

Sidebar again: I was in school when the first season of Desperate Housewives aired. I did not, and still don’t, watch this show. However it was a topic every week in our class because it seemed EVERYONE in my class did, including you Mrs. McClure. The day after the episode where someone killed someone and buried them in the backyard, I was in a fit! I couldn’t believe how the police were allowing this to be aired on TV! I was all for reality TV but couldn’t the camera men and people get in trouble for not reporting this? And that is when, in between tears and hysteria, Mrs. McClure kindly informed me that this was NOT a reality TV show. Oh yea!

I could go on for another however long rambling about all the memories I had in her classroom (I’m still sorry for the penis that was drawn on her chalkboard in permanent marker by a fellow student…I’m sorry because her face was only too priceless at the end of the year when she finally saw it after 7 months!) But the point is how she has inspired me!! For the last 7 years since I first sat in her classroom, I’ve carried with me the love she poured into her training. She brought that love and commitment with her everyday. We saw affects of her training. We saw her excitement close to races. (We experienced the negativities of her training in pop quizzes :-]) It wasn’t hidden. It wasn’t taboo in the school. It was perfectly right to instill this into us.

The mental and physical benefits would radiate from her as the excitement attached itself to us students. We could cheer with her! We could learn from her. We could support her!

All these years, she has stuck with and made time for something that she loved and that was important to her. No excuses, no walking away because of other commitments, and no giving up! I’ve watched her push and push.

I left school and began moving on. Still remembering the excitement she used to bring. I planned my trip to South Africa (having been warned by Mrs. McClure outside of Panera Bread to make sure I’m not eaten by a Zulu. Thank you for making me realize how unprepared I was because I had to go research what a Zulu was after that comment!) I still found Mrs. McClure online and quickly began stalking following her again! Reading each comment about another run, bike, or swim.

Then one day, I hit the road. I started running. For the first time, not chasing after a soccer ball or because the gym teacher said I had to, I just ran. And it clicked. Mrs. McClure had inspired me to find something I love; that I could love in all areas of my life. That inspiration led me to…duh duh duh…RUNNING! Who would have thought that this inspiration I held so dear to but couldn’t do anything with from a tri-athlete would encourage me to…be…athletic?!!?

Are you gathering my self sarcasm here?

That inspiration is about more than the training and races. It is about sticking it out. It is about putting in the effort necessary to achieve the results. It is about commitment and sacrifice. And it is about enjoying all of it...the good and the bad!
I started running and loved it. Now my pregnant butt just wants to run again! My husband knows this. My family is beginning to get it. They are all becoming aware that one lesson I’ve learnt is to make time and just do it! No excuses! And the best part is, I really do LOVE it!
Thank you Mrs. McClure!

Shana

Win! Win! Won!

Friday was an amazing start to a ridiculously ah-mazing weekend!! I was in the workshop on the farm for a little while Friday afternoon and was most pleasantly surprised when I returned to my office!


There was a package! Wrapped in that beautiful brown paper that tells me it was shipped quite important. It was certified and its coded tracking number gleamed up at me ensuring me it was for me! I stared in disbelief as I double checked the name and address. I wasn’t expecting anything. After careful observation I was aware that this particular goodie was addressed to my husband! My frown sets in…WTHeck is this now?? How dare he use my works address!

Then…something else pops out at me.

A beautiful notion.

A ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds of my dismay.

Three little words.

Living and Loving

Oh yea!! I’ve got a package from one of my all time favorite magazines! Clearly this is not meant for Hubby dearest. This gorgeous gift is for me in one of my shallow upbringings clever ideas of using my husband to enter giveaways as I am not South African and therefore horribly excluded not allowed to enter!

{Mentally imagine the happy dance setting in…oh yea}

I eagerly rip open the brown paper. I scramble to turn the box around. I squeal!

I’ve just been made into the wonderfully proud and giddy owner of a brand new Phillips Avent Manual Breast pump!! {Insert second happy dance!}

A new breast pump is something I was seriously considering investing in. After my failed efforts to breastfeed Lil Mister though I was hesitant to drop such a large amount of cash on a mechanism that may or may not sit collection dust in my already crammed packed of uselessness perfectly organized and boxed goods for later use cupboard! I’ve looked into many kinds and although I am considering a different brand for actually feeding, Avent was my first choice when looking into the breast pump. I used Avent bottles with Lil Mister and loved them, but wasn’t sure if I was sticking with that brand again. The reviews on the manual breast pump however are amazing and price wise it is incredibly reasonable!

Hubby and I had agreed to wait until after LJ was born and see how the breast feeding goes. Being much more informed and prepared this time, we were are hoping and praying for positive results. If I can successfully produce milk, then we would invest. (I return to work when LJ is 6 weeks old so exclusive to the breast is not an option, but pumping would be perfect as we DO NOT want to supplement with formula!)

I have taken this upon myself as a sure fire message from God that I will be successful! He has placed this desire in my heart and He has provided me with a gift so precious to our little family that I know it will not go to waste! On payday I had looked deeply at the Avent breast pump when paying my pharmacy account. I almost purchased one. My spirit told me to wait. I was so down as I felt this was a negative reaction and that I was mentally preparing to fail and that is why I didn’t want to purchase one! However….I know this was God’s plan!

I want to thank the wonderful ladies (and gents) at Living and Loving mag for all that they do! I’ve been an avid and addicted reader since I moved to South Africa! Long before falling pregnant with Lil Mister I began reading my mother in laws old editions and the moment I popped positive on that little sticky I started buying my own! I’ve kept every month since then. My most prized one is June 2011 where I was featured in the prego pictures with Lil Mister! I’ve put that one in a dust jacket and in Lil Misters baby box!! The magazine (as well as the website…link again!) is chock full of tips, stories, articles, and ideas! I can’t get enough of it and anxiously await my new one every month!

Secondly I will thank Phillips Avent for the amazing giveaway! Avent is strong supports of breast feeding and do all they can to get information out there for us moms! Their products make it easy and comfortable. Even more so, especially with the discrete and fashionable case the pump is stored in, they make it realistic for working moms to continue to provide healthy breast milk for their children! Big thanks!!

Now I just have 10 weeks left before I can try it out!! ;-) (I’ve heard nipple stimulation brings on labor so we might run it early if LJ wants to make a late appearance ;-])

Shana

Absent Motherhood

Oh, how I quarreled over writing today’s blog. I sought out every possible excuse for myself and exasperated every possible angle of deception. However, my self imposed battle was lost and I decided for my own sanity it was time I faced the ugly truth of this long lurking demon.


There is no sugar coating it. For what I will share is truly a demon of all circumstances. I envision this entity now fat and content sitting on a lazy boy made up of years of my internal struggle, my condemnation, my guilt, my anguish, my hatred, my judgment, and my questions of self, family, and God. This demon is now settled in his place in my life. He has a past with me of over 20 years. The majority of what is in my cognitive mind in which he can recall at will. My life is consistently scarred by the small cuts he had made into the background.

I’ve tried to say I’ve dealt with all of it. I’ve claimed in public that I now understand the truth. I can put on a face and falsify that I have accepted the reality.

This is all a lie. I have, although, had enough and I am officially evicting this demon from my life. He will no longer take a residence with me.

My birth mother and father married young. Truthfully, they were the same age as Dear Hubby and myself when we married. F (birth mother) was the same age as I was when Lil Mister was born. The biggest difference however is that when I was 19 marrying the man of my dreams it was my first marriage and Lil Mister was my first child. F on the other hand took my father as her second husband at 19 and I was her second child. The first of which she already no longer had contact with (both husband and child.)

Oh, the deception this woman must have spun in her web. The filth that spewed from her lips in her mastery as she convinced my father that he was different. The disgust as I was formed from her. The lies of it all.

Then, tragedy fate struck. It was like clockwork. It was as if it had all been planned. F and my dad had separated and one morning I was left with my father and all of my stuff as she drove off. At 22, my father stood with a 1 year old girl and no wife. I praise him for the pieces of himself he had to strive to put back together as he made a home and a life for us.

I am sure the questions that have formed in my mind over the years have also plagued him on many sleepless nights. Nothing and no one can quench the thirst that will overwhelm you as you ask ‘what did I do’. There is not a person that can come into your life and replace such an overbearing form of rejection. No number of years passed will convince you that it IS better this way.

F left us. F left him. F left me. Judge A$$ ruled that I was to go with F at the age of 3 for two weeks to visit her family. I have bits of memories from said hiatus with F. They are few to say the most and take but a minute of recall. I do not remember her face or anyone else. I do remember a baby. Apparently my brother by the third man she’d caught in her web.

I returned to my father and F never looked back. In 20 years, there has been no contact, no letters, no phone calls, and no surprise visits.

Dad remarried. She is now my mom to this day. I am thankful to her but we are not as close as we may have been. My demon prevents this.

Around the age of 13 I began to get curious. I would look for her online. I’ve done this every since. For 10 years I have searched her name getting as far as a year back on information and then stopping because I need to pay for more updated information. I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t take my feet off and jump. 10 years of the heart racing feeling of wonder. Each time I search I find an article or a previous address or relative. I’ve phone to get no answer or a person who claims they don’t know F or they don’t speak English. I’ve envisioned myself getting into my car and driving to the address’ on my list until finally I arrive at her house.

In my dream, I would walk up to the door on a hot summer evening. She would answer and at first have no idea who I am. When I told her my name she would start to cry. I imagined she would embrace me as if she has missed me her entire life, as if this is as big a dream come true for her as it was for me. She would invite me in and we would sit in the backyard, drinking ice tea, and catching up all the time we’d missed. I’d meet her family and be accepted and we’d all live happily ever after.

No, my home life wasn’t bad. My mom and dad were wonderful parents and I have so many cherished memories. Still, the one who bore me had left and I’d always asked why. We were always listed in the phonebook so I assume she actually could have found me very easily. But never did….

So here we sit. I am 23 years old with my second child on the way and married for 3 years. That is 2 years longer than I’ve any record of her marriages lasting and I’m still my children’s mom and ALWAYS will be.

I wish I could admit that I’ve stopped the search or at least gotten the balls to pay for her current address (I guess I feel if I stumble upon it for free then it was meant to be but I’m pushing things if I pay…) but I cannot say either of these. Just a few months back I feel succumb to the trap of needing wanting to know. I found out that about 3 ½ years ago, almost 1 month to the day, before I left America for South Africa, the house she’d been living in had burnt down. She survived because her dog woke her up. There was a newspaper article and it had a picture of her. I printed it. For days I sat staring at her face. I cried everyday. We look so much alike. Eventually I had to put it away.

All the questions come back. Why didn’t she love me? Was it hard for her to leave? Has she ever tried to find me? Why weren’t we good enough?

Then I think of my son. I grow a hatred for F at the idea of putting someone so small, innocent, and incapable through something so tragic painful.

I realize that even if I ever did find her, things would not go like they do in my imagination. There is the chance I would show up just to hear her say I never wanted you. I couldn’t or didn’t love you. I never tried to find you. I would listen to her reasons and be overcome with more grief and anger. There is even the chance that she would say she had tried but my dad wouldn’t allow it. Then I have even more questions that I don’t want to have.

I wish I could say I’m fine. No, today I secretly cry sometimes when I consider the rejection. Today I have an overbearing sense of need to control EVERYTHING that is going on in my life (and yes I realize this is impossible and that it affects my husband…we’re I’m working on that one!) for fear that if someone else is in control it will not work out. And yes, I am indefinitely scared that anyone I attach myself too is eventually going to leave me, especially women (a blog on my relationship up’s and down’s and the struggle to be a daughter to my MIL is a whole blog in and of itself…because she is truly amazing!). Thus, my reason excuse as to why I have left every meaningful relationship in my life (my parents and family, friends, churches).

I guess I’m a work in progress but there is one thing I understand more than ever now. After having my own children, I understand the deep seeded necessity that is your mother. No matter how amazing another woman is. No matter how much another mom loves you. There is an understated drive in us that fuels a need want for at the least knowledge of that person. I say want because we are capable to survive without this desire being fulfilled. My children NEED me because I WANT them. Although I grew up in a two parent home there was a parent missing and I understand now the fear that so many adults walk around with. I also understand now, even if sometimes I cannot accept it, that it was not me. I could not have done anything to drive her away. It was an issue within herself. Whether it was hard for her or not I don’t know…for me it would be impossible. I’ve learnt so much respect for what my father went through and love him so much more than I can express for building the life he did for us. I respect him for moving on no matter how destructive it felt to himself. I respect and love my mom for stepping into a role that she didn’t have to. I thank her for loving me as her own. But the most precious lesson gift I’ve received from all of this, is knowing I am NOT F. I am me. I love my children and will NOT leave. For years I feared it was genetic and that I’d do the same as her. I am NOT F. For that I can sleep.

Week 29

One week closer to running again!!! Surprisingly this has snuck up on me! It feels like just yesterday we found all of this out and were so caught off guard. Now we're in the third trimester and anxiously awaiting our new delivery!! I don't know where my mind has been and although we are prepared for the most part I still can't seem to understand how I have so much left to do! We've been down this road before. We've got the T-shirts...so why does it seem so different this time? I tried packing hospital bags this weekend but just can't seem to decide what to take and what not to take. I have no idea if I'll be ready on time. I'm probably going to have my waters break while standing next to a tractor at work and need to call my husband to take me home and get things ready! LoL Oh well...another week down 11 to go!!

Total Weight Gain: 14 pounds!

This week, Baby is the size of a: head of califlower!!!

How far along? 29 weeks, 5 das
Due date: 15 Dec 2012
Total weight gain/loss: +1 lb
Maternity clothes? Nope....I'm way WAY too stubborn!!
Sleep: I sleep like a coma patient!! Even Lil Mister is starting to sleep more at night! Love IT!!
Best moment this week: When I set up LJ's crib, Lil Mister came and tried to climb in claiming it was his. Now this was true...6 months ago. But now we sleep in a big-boy bed. I calmly explained this is now where LJ will dudu and Liam dudu's here next to LJ in Liam's big boy bed. Liam immediately climbed in his bed patted the pillow and said "Liam LJ dudu" In his language this meant they are both sleeping together! hehe LJ is officially Lil Misters friend! (11 weeks away! ;-])
Food cravings: OMW...MEXICAN!! And not the faux-thentic mex I can make at home! I miss Mi Pueblito, the genuine Mex restaurant from back home where my family ate like every EVERY weekend and I was friends with the owners sons! Yea that REAL Mexican...:-(
Movement: He is actually making me sore...:-(
Symptoms: LJ is all up in my back lately!! I'm considering alternative methods j/k but really!
Labor Signs: Nope!
Stretch Marks: nope and we’re working hard to keep it that way!
Swelling? Just my feet and ankles still...my face seems a little swollen as well :-/
Belly Button in or out? its definitely almost out.

What I miss: breathing normally!! I've officially transferred into the full on "out of breath just tying my shoes" stage and I'm not liking it. Oh and still running!
Feeling toward Pregnancy: It has gone by so much more quickly than Lil Mister. I'm getting the nervousness!!
What I am looking forward to: LJ's first smile. Okay I know it is far away but heck it was one of the most precious moments with Lil Mister!
Milestones: I set the crib back up!! I'm busy looking for a compactum like Lil Misters' because I've turned his into a dresser (works wonderful!!) so...Now I need a NEW one for LJ!! ;-) Check the awesome bedding! It was Hubby's and then Lil Misters and now I'm using it for LJ!! Then we pack it away until the boys use it one day again!!



View inside!!




I love the little ribbons the MIL did on our mosquito net!

 News: Can you believe that Dr. Ridiculous (that is what I call him...Lil Mister calls him Oom Doc) still does not have a working sonar machine?? I mean, really, WTF?!?! How hard can it be to get the darn thing fixed?? How do you break a sonar in the first place? So, I don't want to waste precious medical aid for a doctors visit which can only accomplish HALF of what I need done so again we wait! Hopefully this week something will happen....don't hold your breath people! (I will not be responsible for you passing out!)

GENERAL NEEDS

 4-6 Tommy Tippee bottles (I’m not using Liams again) (I've acquired 2 this week!!)
 Dummy
 Toweling nappies (Just need to embroider them now!)
 Hats
 Bibs
 Socks
 Stage 2 diapers
 Stage 3 diapers

 Wet wipes** I like to stock up
 Breast pads (I have one pack now so I'm waiting to see how the breast feeding goes this round!)
 Aqueous cream
 Baby powder
 Baby oil
 Bum cream
 New monitors
 Nipple cream
 Face cloths
 Pharmacy stock (Panado, tissue salts, boscopan, ect)
****Things I’d like to have*****
 New breast pump (mine does the job but isn’t the most comfortable)
 Microwave sterilizer
 2x more blankets
 2x more receiving blankets
 New nappy bag
 2x new towels


0-3 MONTHS
 Coming Home Outfit (Need wool! A friend is going to crochet a jacket and hat and booties for him! Then we'll just wear a vest and white pants!)
 2x summer jammies


3-6 MONTHS (this is where I gave a lot of Liams stuff away!)
 12x vests (4 long sleeve) (I got 2!!)
 4x cotton pants (with feet)
 2x summer jammies
 4-6x T-shirts
 3-5x Rompers (I got 1!!)
 3-5x Onesies (I got 2!!)


6-12 MONTHS (this is a season change from winter to summer for us! 3 months in each season)
 2x Winter jammies
 3x summer jammies
 2x jackets
 4x cotton pants
 3x shorts
 2x long sleeves
 6x short sleeves
 12x vests
 2x Rompers