Pathways Forward

If you’re new here, I suggest you check out a few previous posts beginning here, then here, then here.

Okay…you’re all caught up!

If you’re a previous reader…welcome back! I’m so glad I haven’t scared you away yet.

I wish I could say my journey with PPD ended the moment I decided thought I might have PPD. It doesn’t though.

The moment I took the plunge and thought to myself ‘let’s just Google a little about PPD;’ I began a whole new world of internal struggle. (For those of you not aware…I have a love affair with Google...and coffee…and chocolate…and oh I’ll just stop there!)

The very fact that I was willing to do more research even though I had read so much about it before made me angry. In my mind if I had PPD, I would have picked up on the signs already. I started denying the possibility almost as soon as I accepted it as a possibility.

I Googled to try and prove myself wrong. I didn’t succeed.

So, my next step naturally was to talk to friends.

They know me well. They know how I normally am. They’ll know that I’m just over reacting.

I was wrong again. My friends, the lovely women that they are, assured me I needed to seek medical advice.

I was angry. (Are you picking up a theme here?)

I wish the decision was so easy from there. I’m a little bit stubborn however and fought continuously with myself. I would convince myself that there was nothing wrong with me.

Every mother goes through this, I’d tell myself. I’d think that I wanted there to be something wrong so that I had an excuse for it not being easy. I’d convinced myself that my husband would judge me if I felt I couldn’t cope.

I never told him. I never expressed that I was struggling, that I was angry, that I was scared. I kept it hidden. I got up, I worked out, I went about my day, and I cleaned, cooked, did laundry and put a smile on my face when he got home. The sad part was I wasn’t hiding it as well as I convinced myself I was.

We fought constantly. Every little thing he did set me off. I cried because he wasn’t there helping me and I wanted out the door the moment he got home. Nothing he did was good enough because it was I who was failing myself. I blamed him for me struggling and I nagged about everything.

All of this added onto some already real stress factors in our marriage created some heavy cracks.

I started seeing the fabric of my life ripping at the seams. I’m supposed to be the strong one holding us together. I finally took the plunge, secretly however.

Lil Mister was sick and needed to see the doctor to clear up a sinus infection. I made the appointment and explained to Hubby that was the reason we were going.

During the appointment, I explained to the doctor that I, too, needed a consultation that day.

I broke down. I cried and then I got angry that I was crying. I explained it all. The hopelessness of the situation. I explained that I was angry all the time. I couldn’t sleep at night and would fall asleep in the blink of an eye during the day. I described my disinterest in participating in anything. I even went as far as to describe the internal darkness I faced each day.

His answer….

Medication.

This is what I feared the most. So many women get addicted to this stuff. What if I end up like them? What if I end up one of those moms washing down her tranquilizers each day with a double shot of whiskey? I envisioned my hair standing on end, clothes tattered as I rocked back and forth in the corner of my bathroom because my pills had run out…..

This was the irrational side of me coming through again. The doctor saw the fear in my eyes. He reassured me it was a low dosage and that I would HAVE to make a monthly appointment for the first 3 months to track progress and every 6 months there after.

Journaling, he said, would be a great idea. It would keep me in the realm of how I’m progressing. I can’t take back what is already written, therefore, writing exactly how I’m feeling whether rational or irrational would give me a track record of whether I’m improving, falling back, or staying level. It would also help me to identify triggers.

That was a month ago…….

Just a little humor to lighten the mood

If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.
And please don’t feel alone!
Postpartum Progress
Surprising Symptoms
Ivy's PPD Blog
First Time Mom and Dad
PPD to Joy

If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little email or drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!

Shana..

The War Inside

I lie in bed staring at the ceiling. The alarm went off ages ago. I don’t want to know about the day ahead of me.

I sit in the silence. It feels like it is suffocating me. I can feel my body beginning to tense. My heart is racing far too fast for my still body.

The kids are quiet…to quiet. Why aren’t they awake? Don’t wake up. Not now.

I close my eyes. I’m not ready to face to day. I can’t handle another step forward. Time is standing still. I’m not coping with all of this. It is impossible for anyone to successfully take care of two kids these ages and a house. Hubby Dearest is unreasonable for expecting it of me.

This angers me. Why can’t he see how hard it is for me? Why does he listen to all these women who LIE and say it’s possible?

These ridiculous women with 5 kids. They get help from their husbands. That is how they do it. They LIE to me…to everyone….about how they manage. They’re screaming on the inside….just….like….me.

Lil Mister is crying. He’s awake. Why does he have to cry so much? Other two year olds don’t wake up crying…every….frackin….day. When will this be over? What am I suppose to do today?

I scream on the inside.

I get up. I go to Lil Mister. I feel guilty for getting upset that he is crying. I cry. Then I get angry that I’m crying over something so ridiculous.

Why won’t Hubby dearest get up? I know I’m still on maternity leave, but really! It is 6 am already!! Why is he so lazy? I have to be up so he must get up! His job isn’t nearly as difficult as me being at home!

LJ wants to eat again. That is all I do….feed him and keep Lil Mister from breaking down the house.

Why is it so hard? Why can’t I get a break just one day?

Maybe I can just walk out the door and not look back….No NO. I could never leave my babies. I cry again having thought this. They deserve a better mom. One who can handle this better?

Lil Mister is bored. He’s frustrated. I’m screaming. I’m just so angry. All the time…I’m angry. WHY????

I lie down at night. I stare at the ceiling. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I want to sleep but it doesn’t come. My head hurts because I’m so tired.

I feel lost in a dark world. Everyday it’s like I can’t see past this black fog that drapes my mind, my emotions, my life. Every now and then I try to stretch my arms out and reach for something…anything…anyone. But I retreat. Nothing will change this. No one can understand.

Why has everyone abandoned me? Why do they keep saying they understand? They cannot possible understand! If they understood they wouldn’t keep saying it gets better!

The anger and irritation is absorbing me. It is becoming all of me. Everything everyone does bothers me. I can’t stick to a routine. I’m lost in my own head.

I feel like a lion trapped in a cage and like a boat lost at sea all at once.

The weight is heavy on my shoulders; crushing on my chest…..

Have any one you ever felt like this? This is how it was for me after LJ was born. The first couple of weeks were great. We were falling into a routine and everything seemed so much better than I had thought possible.

But around week 3 after LJ was born, everything started going south very quickly. Hubby dearest thought it was too boring for Lil Mister at home and that is why he was acting up so much. I resented him for this because it felt like he was trying to deprive me of my time with my kids before I went back to work.

I was irrationally angry all the time at everything that everyone did. I was unreasonable in my expectations of Lil Mister and I couldn’t cope if the day went slightly off track of what I planned. Most days I wouldn’t even bath until evening because I just couldn’t manage my time.

It was so easy for me to just stare off into the nothingness during the time the kids slept.

I would punish Lil Mister for being naughty and then cry because I punished him.

He felt it. LJ felt it. We all felt it.

I thought returning to work would make the difference. Settle into a routine and get out of the house is what I kept telling myself.

It didn’t help though. In the afternoons I was even more angry and upset.

I decided I had to talk to a doctor. This was probably the single most emotional doctor’s appointment I’ve ever had.

I debated going in. I finally decided it wasn’t okay for my children to suffer because of my stubbornness. They did deserve better. Not a better mom than me…no. Just the best version of myself that I could be!

Have you ever felt like this? Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe you don’t battle with anger, but you might be weepy. Maybe you aren’t irritable but still feel lost in a haze of one day blurred into another.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to share with you my ‘uphill’ battle with PPD.

I battled after Lil Mister was born for months and never sought help. My weight dropped to 44kg and I never had energy. I ate normal so we didn’t understand. It was an internal battle that was raging inside of me. It affected my health, my family, and my relationships.

Luckily, for me, my love for my son helped keep me centered and the never ending support of my family secured my safe return.  When I started working out and exercising again, it got better and when I fell pregnant with LJ my hormones leveled out.

I knew going into this labor that I might face these demons again. I thought this time the exercise and training would help.

I figured knowing the warning signs would mean I could prevent it and fight it off on my own! I was WRONG!

If any of this sounds even slightly familiar, please clickity click a few of the links below. Some are blogs, some are just information.

And please don’t feel alone!

Postpartum Progress

Surprising Symptoms

Ivy's PPD Blog

First Time Mom and Dad

PPD to Joy

 If you just want to talk to someone...I'm up for that too! Send me a little email or drop by my twitter! I'd love to chat with you about everything and anything. We'll have a cuppa (or a bottle of wine ;-) through our virtual cafe!

Shana..