American Proud: Cheers to the Red, White, and Blue

I will always be American.

It may seem strange to you to hear someone say that. It’s kind of like a umm...duh type of statement. But for me, well, this statement took a while to come out of my mouth.

I talk quite a bit about missing home. I talk about the things from America that I love and the family and friends I’ve left behind.

Never do I want these topics to make it seem like I do not love my life in South Africa. I do. I absolutely do.

And most of all, I don’t want the fact that I still and will always call America home to be a deterrent to the fact that South Africa is my home as well.

 

Yep, I have two homes. I’m pretty blessed.

Can I Cure Being Homesick?

Do you ever get so busy you forget to drink something for a while? Well, I do....especially at work! I like to get in a minimum of 8 glasses of water a day. Ones about this size.

Where I'm meant to be...

I absolutely love this quote.

Simply put…I feel it is a motto for when my life gets difficult here.

Sometimes I’d love to say that moving to South Africa has been the easiest thing in my life because I know it is where I’m supposed to be. But that isn’t always the case. The ideal that I am exactly where God wanted me….it sometimes isn’t the comfort I’m looking for.

Home will be no more...

I posted here about the death of my great-grandmother.

From what I know, she passed away peacefully.

I know that she has joined my grandmother, great grandfather and my uncle who left this world before her. I know that she is renewed and dancing in the streets of heaven. Or sitting on some cloud knitting as that would more suit her. But these are things for another post.

Today, I’m stuck in my own mind. Nothing seems to be pulling me from this. There is pressure and force all around me. My limbs grow weaker as the moments inch forward.

The weight that bears down on me is sometimes unbearable.

I seek not sympathy because I have chosen this path.

I ask not for understanding because that would mean you, too, must endure this pain.

I would not receive your pity because my GOD is stronger than this world.

When I made the decision to come to South Africa….I was young both literally and figuratively. Although I had lived both on my own and with others and had supported myself in many ways, I could not comprehend in my youth the extremity of my decision.

I could not even begin to grasp how far I actually would be from my family. The concept that I couldn’t get back when I wanted to, let alone when needed, never crossed my mind.

The realization that I would be severing a life once lived to the fullest would only come months down the road.

To me…money did not relate and social media filled all gaps.

But a like on Facebook cannot replace a hug. A retweet on Twitter cannot replace the warmth of a smile. And a LoL on text cannot replace the sound of a loved ones laugh.

Skype, no matter how fulfilling, cannot replace the hand reached out to your knee during a deep conversation. It cannot make up for the coffees missed with your mom or the lunch dates with your dad.

None of this, nothing, can make you truly feel connected to these people. Not when you’re talking years without in person connection.

This is how it feels….

I imagine I’m standing in the middle of the ocean. All around me there is just water. Not even the fish swim near me.

I’m facing South Africa, looking over my shoulder towards America.

Neither can I see…but I know they’re there.

There are these gold ropes attached to me from within. They are as much a part of me as my own arms and legs. There is a rope for every human/personal connection I’ve made in both countries.

There is a rope for my father and mother. Step and half siblings. Aunts and uncles. Friends. These ropes are thicker and thinner and stronger and weaker based on the depth of the relationship I had with these people. The thicker and stronger the rope….the larger the pull.

In South Africa, the ropes signify my family and children here. My friends and my church. My job and my activities.

The moment I boarded the plane many fine ropes broke away from my back. The connection to my current job ended. The extent of my relationship with my current church was severed. Friends who were more like acquaintances dropped instantly as their pull was not a blink compared to Hubby’s.

As I flew across the oceans, the rope from my front, Hubby’s rope grew broader and stronger. Each hour that passed made my connection and my dependency on him deeper. He was the only thing pulling me from the world I’d known.

The moment I landed in South Africa, new ropes started forming. I immediately formed a connection with Amanzimtoti. It was my first ‘home’ in South Africa. It gave me my first experience of the beach, which quickly grew it’s own rope as a place of tranquility and relaxation.

Hubby’s family and close friends popped out ropes like the jack popping out of the box. I was creating connections that would hold me here forever. Ropes that could not be broken by mere distance.

The same as some ropes back home.

A tug of war game was brewing within me. It expelled out of me at times of weakness. It’s waged its war, affecting all who are connected.

Time severed many ropes. Connections to memories of places now fell way to new connections. The ropes wear thin in the weather of life’s storms. An old connection to my high school cannot hold strength to my current work. The memories remain but the pull of that ‘home’ no longer exist.

But ropes left to suffer the extremes of the weather….they need care.

Connections need supplement.

So as time progresses, conversations are lost…the ropes pulling me home wane.

Connections to old friends grow weak as I nurture the relations I have here. The ropes of my Hubby and children are the strongest there is. Eventually, ropes of friends here become broad and heavy as my effort goes towards those ‘real’ relationships. It is not that I do not love or miss others….but I must continue to live my life here.

The ropes eventually break when you look back and realize you’ve not spoken in years.

But the worst cut. The one that ends it forever. Death.

Each time a rope is cut….the pull to South Africa grows stronger. I become more rooted where I am.

My life froze in my mind when I left America but those I left behind…their lives continued growing and moving forward.

Each death….each cruel realization that I will never see that person again leaves the remaining ropes working harder. They tire more quickly. Their weight is heavier.

One day….one day the ropes pulling me home will be no more. 

Loss in spirit; Gain in Spirit

This weekend has my internal clock all messed up! I’ve done so well since coming home from the hospital at being in bed by a decent time. However, Friday night we had a braai with our parents and I only got home after midnight and then on Saturday we had a braai with friends at our house. Again, I was in bed after midnight.

So now it is Sunday and after 10 pm and I still cannot sleep.

I’m surely going to regret this! Lil Mister does not sleep past 5:30am very often and I highly doubt karma is so kind as to let it be tomorrow that he does! ;-)

It doesn’t help that I only got Lil Mister to sleep 15 minutes ago and I figure based on LJ’s last feed he should be awake in the next 15 minutes again.

Coffee...you are my best friend these days!

I’m still in shock that it is already Christmas. Yes, I realize it is still another day away, but really!

This will be my fourth Christmas in South Africa, but I can’t seem to find the spirit anymore. It hasn’t felt like Christmas since I moved here.

As I sit looking at our Christmas tree, I’m taken back to all the years spent celebrating with my family.

I miss the cold weather. I remember tracking through the rows that never ended through the cold and snow to find the ‘perfect family Christmas Tree.’ (Please envision the Clark Griswold Family Christmas Tree here!)

As a child I would fill my pockets and even stuff my coat full of the pine cones I would find along the way. I still love the smell of fresh pine!

We’d get home that afternoon and my mom would make hot chocolate (I’m positive now that I’m a parent that my mom and dad’s hot chocolates were spiked with vodka; otherwise they weren’t making it until that night!) and we’d listen to Christmas music while decorating the tree.

Really cheesy but that is what we did EVERY year!

I can’t understand why when I enter a mall; I don’t smell that sickening sweet scent of the roasted nuts. Nor do I feel it is right that there aren’t Christmas lights and decorations covering the streets and houses.

There are no night time drives to see the lights. There are no Salvation Army guys ringing their silly little bells. We aren’t bundled up watching endless reruns of the same Christmas movies. And there is no snow to wake up to on Christmas morning.

I feel like I’ve lost Christmas.

Then I found it again.

All of the sudden I realized how commercialized even I had let Christmas become to me.

I grew up being taught the true meaning of Christmas and was in every single Christmas pageant at church. I know the story by heart because it is the equivalents of thousands of years of prophecy come true. It is the entire reason for the season (sorry for the cheesy rhyme!).

Yet, even I have fallen victim to Hallmarks branding over the years. As I grew older and was able to apply the memory of scents, sounds, and images to the holiday, I somehow lost what was truly important.

Christmas is after all about Christ’s birth.

I know you’re like...duh!

But how easily I’d let that fall to the back burner while still living in the states. I’d grown so accustomed to the hoopla of the season that I’d grown cold to the meaning. I’d lost Christmas when I moved to South Africa because I’d lost the meaning of it many years before that.

I’m grateful for this now. As I sit preparing my children’s presents, I realized how blessed we are. I’m thankful to raise my children in a way that they won’t experience the extravaganza firsthand the way I did. I’m thankful that I will be able to focus more on the meaning of Christmas and teach my children why we celebrate the holiday in such a close and family oriented manner.

I’m thankful that I had to lose my Christmas spirit to be able to rejoice Christmas in the Spirit!

I will still read “The Night before Christmas” to my children on Christmas Eve. And we will continue to give presents and donate to charities during this time as well.

But I will take a little less time worrying about the lights on my front door and a little more time answering questions about ‘baby Jazus’ and his ‘farm birth’.

Shana..

Holiday Jealousy

Today, I’m going to rant. Today, I’m going to moan. Today, I’m going to ask for all of your sympathy. Today, I’m going to tear apart every American holiday!!!

Don’t get your panties in a bunch here. Stick with me!

If you didn’t know, I live in South Africa (jeeze why aren’t you with the picture yet??!!) Here we have lots of public holidays which are really just great excuses created by a government, who believes that a 15 minute tea break means 30 minutes, to give us more days off work…PAID! Oh it is lovely. Of those public holidays I believe that we celebrate Easter and Christmas with America. The other 3 holidays which were what my calendar revolved around as a child are NON EXISTENT. This I am very upset about. For this I get very heartbroken. And for this I am VERY jealous when I read all of the great food, clothing, and decorating ideas that come across ALL of the blogs I read!

Aren’t you even slightly concerned for my mental health? You all are killing me! You have no concern for the better of your fellow Americans living abroad! RAWR! (Sorry I really do love all of you!)

We will start with the most recently past holiday…Halloween! As a child I could not understand why on such an important day we were in school! Have any of your children professed the same confusion? I’m sure they have! It is a logic beyond a young minds comprehension. Halloween is just as important as our own birthday. I never knew the logistics or the background of it growing up as I did the other holidays. For me it was always about the costume (which is exactly the same as dress up play!) and the free candy! Candy is also just as good presents when you are 6! What also surpassed my logic well until the first Halloween rolled around in South Africa was that this IS NOT a holiday celebrated world wide. In fact, most don’t even consider it a holiday! It is a random day chosen to give permission to be someone your not and get away with antics you would never attempt in your work clothing! Why in the world would people not understand how important this is to human sanity???!?

South Africa is starting to come around and I’ll be damned (oh that’s right…DAMNED) if my children will miss this lovely excuse for CrAziNess their entire lives! Somehow, my small farming town in no where South Africa will realize the joys of this day. (Especially the moms who can get away with not dressing up but still getting chocolate by explaining to their children that parents must test the candy to make sure there isn’t anything dangerous! Oh my mom was clever!) I am getting involved and will be that crazy American woman who plans a Halloween party “for her kids” every year but actually just wants to give herself the prize for best costume in the adult category! (I may be quite a small girl but for this mom of two I automatically disqualify you if you are dressed as a slutty/exotic ANYTHING….can I hire a bouncer?)….

Ideas welcome for Halloween hits South Africa 2013!!!


The next holiday that I am sick to my stomach over is…duh duh duh…THANKSGIVING!! I have nothing to give thanks for on the last Thursday in November as no one here understand what the flip I’m talking about! (Okay I'm still thankful for so much in my life and will WILL {double promise will} write a post before Thanksgiving to fall into theme!) Nor do they understand that it is like an American tradition to have such a big dinner! No a BRAAI DOESN’T COUNT! We need a turkey that has been stuffed, the potatoes AND sweet potatoes. We need corn and rolls, and cranberry sauce, and beans, and all the ‘fixins’ (also explaining to South Africans why most Americans don’t actually say a g is tiring too!) I want a table that seats the whole family! I NEED to watch the Macy’s day parade (even if it is 4pm here and I’m watching via internet!). It is not just another excuse to put our crazy families together in one house for an entire day and see if Grandma White and Grandma Gray can agree on the texture of the mash while the men scream at the football! It is not an attempt to see if we will all emerge unscathed!

This was a day where we all were together. Yea, the kids fought, the men lounged, and the women ‘slaved’ away over the perfect dinner. You looked forward to your Aunts famous Pumpkin pie and your Grandmothers perfected baked beans. We all have that one special dish that we craved all year round but is only made on these special days!

I’ve started stock piling articles and ideas for how to teach my children about Thanksgiving. I feel that they are American too even though we live here. They need to know about the pilgrims and the Indians. They need to know about the history. They need to know about that silly looking cornucopia in the middle of the table and how peace was achievable (however short lived!). I believe that I am one of maybe a handful celebrating this beloved holiday across the world….but heck I can’t sit drooling over your pictures of dinner for the rest of my life now can I!?!?! (My biggest concern is how do I cook that much all on my own….my boys have to learn to cook and fast!)

The last holiday that is absolutely heartbreaking that I cannot celebrate is…..FOURTH OF JULY (hear Katy Perry’s Firework playing in the background…oh yea!) Try explaining that this is more than just a BBQ to a South African (Oh heck try explaining that a Braai and a BBQ are the same thing and that we don’t just grill hot dogs and hamburgers but steaks, and pork chops and just about anything else we think we can pull off!!)

One would think that a country who also fought off the British to gain freedom would understand the importance of such a day! You would think they would also bear pride in having a day that they could throw everything off, have bottle rocket wars, and shot the national anthem at the top of their lungs. But sadly…no. This country is lost at the concept of our grand firework displays, our 10 foot Uncle Sam’s on stilts, or the parades!

I miss trying to schedule the whole week to squeeze in as many firework shows as possible, meticulously planning what small towns are having their parades and when as to make sure I get to see them all! I miss the excitement as you lay out all the fireworks you’ve accumulated and debating the order in which they’re going to be lit (only to have, as it never fails, a mishap…like when your grandfather lays his lit lighter stick next to the box holding the grand finale and everything ignites…..or when someone gets a clever idea to string the poppers through the apple tree!!)

I miss the feeling that summer was finally in full swing as we rapidly approach the beginning of a new school year. I miss being proud to be an American and the pride that emanates from everyone you pass that day! Old Navy’s flag shits!!

Oh, in reality, I love South Africa. I truly do. I’m glad I live here and am proud of all this country has overcome in the last 100 years. I just can’t turn off the fact that I am American and I don’t want to! I love these holidays and the silly traditions that come with them. I miss the apple pies and down home country feel. I miss the American pride and attitude that the people in this country can’t understand and I can’t describe to someone who hasn’t felt it!

I want to incorporate our own traditions into the lives of my children in hopes to keep some of this
American-ness alive. I hope that they will one day get a chance to experience each of these holidays in the States so that they can understand these wacky ideas that come from their mother (who is creeping out their friends with spiderwebs in October and turkeys made from construction paper in November!).

I hope that as time goes by I won’t want to quit following all of you every year as you RUB IT IN MY FACE the joyous times you are having during the best holidays EVER created!! Just kidding!

Shana

What I Miss About America

• Lemonade stands….we never see kids doing this in South Africa! Partly because of the safety reasons which brings me to the second point….

• No fences…everyone has these fences and security gates around their houses and even businesses! I know there are fences in America but not like here! It’s a fence, with barbed wire and sometimes electrical wire at the top. It took months for me to get over it and even caused depression!

• Authentic foods…yes I get authentic South African and Boere kos! But I miss Mexican, Chinese, and Greek foods like I used to get in my home town. I miss the variety. Even after having been so close to a Mexican family and working in their restaurant I still cannot make the food :-/

• Snow…this will make my fourth Christmas in South Africa (Even I can’t believe it!) and I still can’t get used to it being so bloody hot in December! I haven’t seen snow since January 2009. I miss the cold….I miss the white Christmas…and to bring in the next point

• Holiday decorations…I know that a lot of you are moaning that it isn’t even Halloween yet and Target is displaying Christmas stuff but that would make me cry tears of joy right now! I know the point of the holidays but I miss that communal feel that we have back home. Here a business might put a few measly decorations but that is it. No houses competing for best lights, no non-stop Christmas music radio, no giant trees and enough garland in the mall to make you poo it out! I miss the tradition of driving through the town and looking at all the lights in the evening!

• Folgers….yes for me the best part of waking up was Folgers in my cup!! If I was to return to the States I would terribly miss our coffee here…but I am here and therefore am dying for filter coffee!! We drink instant and it is truly AMAZING…I only realized this after 6 months of living here. But the coffee back home… the tantalizing smell as it tickles me awake from my automatic brewing pot! The frothiness that occurs when you mix a little powder creamer with milk. The sweet, decadent, sinful, dessert that was Crème Brulee flavor! I miss my Folgers!

• Sunflower seeds…I grew up munching on sunflower seeds as a constant snack!! The ones with the shell still on them! Davids were always my favorite…but guess what!! We don’t get them here!! Go figure! I would have brought a years supply with me and portioned it for the next 5 years if I’d have known this!

• Swedish fish, Jelly Belly, Jolly Ranchers, Butterfinger bars, Starburst, Slim Jims, and Captain Crunch cereals…yes I’m pregnant but I miss these things all of the time!!!

• American Eagle and Aeropostal…we get great clothes here. Stuff I really like but I miss these two stores! I have yet to find a store that clothes fit so nicely on me especially the American Eagle denims!!

• Roasted Nuts…those terrible varieties of nuts that they always roast in the malls around Christmas time and sell in the plastic bags! OMW…I hated these at a stage after working a Christmas season in the mall but I’d sell my right arm (not actually) to have a bag of nuts now! Hehe

• Drive through banking…simply stated…I miss it!! That little tube you put your money and papers in!! We don’t have it…anywhere…at ALL!!!

• Wal-Mart…to do my monthly shopping I go to 6 different shops if I’m lucky. Usually it is more! I miss being able to shop in one place and that place being 24 hours a day!

• Krispy Kremes…stop laughing!! I know I’m pregnant but I truly miss these darn donuts! Especially the New York Cheesecake one!! OMW….mmm

• Running at night…yes we can do group runs and such things but I can’t just go run really early in the morning or late at night like I used to do in the States. It just isn’t safe.

• Driving at night…as a kid when it was a boring Saturday night my parents would have us climb in the car and go for a drive in the country. We’d park along the side of a corn field and lay on the hood looking at the stars and talking. I LOVED this…again we avoid something like this unless you have a friend that owns a property to go onto because it isn’t safe.

• Family… I miss my family. I have family here and I love them with all my heart but I miss these people who I grew up with. I miss the traditions we had. I miss the familiarity. I miss the comfort. I miss their love.


Me and my youngest brother Jadyn!!!


• And finally…a random list of all I can think of!!

o Affordability

o Tornado Watching

o Sledding

o Hot cocoa curled up in front of a fire place

o Free concerts!!

o Parades

o State/City fairs

o Crown Royal (sorry but just a glass every now and then!)

o Southern/Country living

o SUPPORT OUR TROOPS

o American pride

o Seeing the flag everywhere

o Country music (we get that here but it is always behind!)

o Summer camps/ Church camps

o Liquid coffee creamer

o Long John Silvers

o Monicals Pizza/ Papa Johns Pizza

o Steak n Shake Restaurant

o Burger King

o All you can eat buffets!! (My husband LOVED this when he was in the States!)

o Calling the body of water a lake and the physical structure holding back the water a dam! Here they call the whole body of water the dam…really irritates me!

o My dad’s BBQ chicken!

o Tailgate parties

o American Football and SUPER BOWL!!!

o The summer holidays

o Halloween (especially now that I have kids of my own :-/)

o Chicago and EVERYTHING about that city!

o My friends…we still talk but yea I need to see them!

o The American spirit…I can’t explain this one…a person can only know it!

o Yellow taxi cabs!!

Most of this seems ridiculous or simple or unimportant but it is all things that were part of everyday life that are not anymore and I miss it. These are things that I took for granted and never understood that I looked at these things as part of what made my home a home and that home defined a part of me. I’m still Shana…I’m just learning to be Shana somewhere else! One day I’ll post about all the reasons I love South Africa!! ;-)

I claim no rights to any photos…they are all from Google but they just help reiterate the point! (Except for the one after family!!)

Shana