I know that this is probably just one of those emotional/hormonal mommy/pregnant moments but I really need to get it out there.
I phone Hubby Dearest now to let him know that although it is already 15 minutes past when I am suppose to be off work it is going to be about another 15 minutes before we leave. It is the beginning of our grapes season and things are extremely busy here on the farm. As I’m talking to him, I can hear Lil Mister laughing and carrying on about something in the background. It hits me. Its 15 minutes before we leave. Another 15 minutes to meet up with Hubby Dearest. Yet, still, another 20 minutes or so to go to the store before getting home to Lil Mister. That is almost an hour. I’ll get home in time to eat, bath Lil Mister, and then clean up and get ready for the next day. I get home around 6pm and Lil Mister goes to bed at 8pm. I leave him at around 6:30 in the morning. So I am gone almost 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. I am missing the majority of his life. He is so used to me leaving it doesn’t even faze him any more.
I am often so proud to be a working mom. My personality is one in which I truly need the satisfaction of a job well done. I feed off the times when my boss calls me in just to tell me he appreciates my work. I enjoy putting my creativity and problem solving brain to work in an adult environment. I keep reminding myself of this.
But it is moments like this where I wonder if my kids will hate me one day for it. Do they know what I am missing? Granted my work is very understanding. I am blessed that they are lenient when I must take off because Lil Mister is sick or has a check up. They know how important family is and makes sure that your family is still top priority in your life.
Here I am though, about to birth a second child, and I feel that I’m loosing the one I have. Maybe I’m still adjusting to the new hours and set up. See I have been in my current job for almost 7 months. Before this I’d always worked in the food industry. At my most previous job there were days I worked only 4-5 hours a day. I could walk to work in 8 minutes and often walked my son to or from his daycare. Now, my work day is 10 hours without considering travel. I have every weekend off which is great compared to before which I only had one. But I still feel like I am missing more and more of his life.
So today, now, I sit and cry as I wait to go home. I cry for myself and I cry for my family. My husband is amazing. He is now cooking dinner and playing with Lil Mister while I wallow in my self pity. He will be understanding and tell me it will get better. He will promise that the boys will always know I love them and have always tried to what was best for them. He will tell me to leave the kitchen and play with Lil Mister. He will be loving because he loves me. I love him. I just wish I was there more for him and them.