I’m a planner. Yep, I said it! I have a day planner for the entire year with month, week, and day sections. It has more tabs than some of the creditor files in my office. I spent weeks planning my planner. I have a blog planner too. I use this almost as often as I do chap stick! It is always open on my desk right with my planner. I jot ideas down, blogs to reply too, and plan the next entry (3 weeks away!). I also have a fitness planner! My first 4 months after pregnancy are already planned out for a perfect and natural labor. I have decided when will be my first 5km and researched and planned every second of my training. The school where my son attends for daycare provides breakfast, lunch and snack. Yet, still, I can’t help but plan his daily meals and therefore I send breakfast, lunch, two snacks, and his juice, water, tea, and milk! Oh yes, this is an illness. All of this planning stems from one deadly need. It is my need for control.
Actually this is a want but I mask it around like a need.
There are a lot of areas where I am perfectly capable of letting go of the control and others where I am exceptional at delegating. (Side note: after 10 years in the food service industry the last restaurant I worked for as a manager said upon my leaving that they will truly miss my capabilities of ‘delegating’ my work. I even managed to delegate my work to superiors at times masking it as their work! I’m that good!) I can let go of control in the dinner department at our house! MIL cooks most nights! I share in this but not on a daily basis. I also have let go of control in the laundry department! Hehe MIL is at home and does this for us too! I still pack away, scrub stains, and iron on weekends but during the week I am pretty much home free…yes I am spoilt still! Oh and the delegating! Since Hubby Dearest is at home all day as he works on call, I am quite capable at delegating certain tasks to be done each morning such as vacuuming the house or feeding the rats! Haha (insert evil laugh)
I love my family very much and am thankful for the fact that we have a system that functions most days without a hitch. I am not lazy but heck I work 10 hours a day, workout daily, have a toddler, am pregnant, and blog about it all!!
OKAY, back on point! I like to control my days. I control when I, my son, and my husband get up and get ready. I control how our mornings function, what Lil Mister wears and takes to school, and the mile long to-do list I am always editing. I freak if Lil Mister watches something I don’t approve of, is disciplined in a way I’m not comfortable with, or if the school did not handle a situation in the exact manner I would. I spend so much of my time planning that I forget to live sometimes. That is where God gave me a BIG reality check last week.
I’m actually not in control at all! I have all these plans but I’ve been failing to check with the big man upstairs whether or not my plans are matching his. It wasn’t in my plans to have a second child but here we are. I almost had a panic attack at first but now I am excited and ready to meet our bundle of love. It was in God’s plans not mine. I still think about all of my plans that got shifted around though. It wasn’t my plan when we gave up our apartment for a bigger house that we ended up not getting and had to move back in with our parents! It was in God’s plan though. And I’ve learnt to shift my views to do what he wants.
Oh but that control. You see, I’ve planned my maternity leave to a T. I will leave work half day on the 14th December. LJ is due on the 15th. I will do everything in my power to the extent of having an induction for LJ to be born on the 15th. He WILL NOT come early (you realize how distorted my plans make my logic!) I will begin my workouts again with walking on the 31st December. That is two weeks after LJ is born and that is when I was cleared for moderate physical activity with Lil Mister so I WILL be cleared this time. I WILL have a natural birth (I am scared to death of a c-section!). I WILL NOT have complications. LJ WILL be a boy….haha!! (Okay that one we have visual proof on but my mind was set even before the ultrasound! I think Hubby Dearest was relieved that LJ was a boy because he didn’t want to deal with the hormonal 20 week pregnant out of control wife!) I will run my 5km the 19th of April. See it is all planned. But….
What if God has other plans? What if LJ comes early and I must leave work sooner than planned. What if the gynae won’t induce (oh who am I kidding then I find one that will!)? What if LJ comes late? What if I have to have a c-section and am down for the full 6 weeks? I am starting to hyperventilate.
For most of you, these are all small things. One of those ‘it’s out of our hands’ type thoughts. God has everything in control. Yet, why does this not settle me? Why am I letting my fear of control loss impede my relationship with Christ?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6
In all your ways. This is where I got slapped in the face (okay literally Lil Mister was sitting on my lap and I was so engrossed in this verse that I didn’t notice his tractor needed fixed and wham!). But spiritually God knocked me one! Yea sure it is easy to give it to God once you can’t control it any more and you need Him to pick up the pieces. It is easy to say thank you when something great comes your way. It is easy to give your worship over and let His Spirit lead you where you need to go. But what happens when that worship leads you to your knees in front of God who is laying it out flat. No holds barred!!
I was on my knees while God starred down at me saying ‘Child, LET GO! You don’t know my plans for you. You have desires because I placed them in you for MY works! Your plans MUST line up with mine! You must let ME lead your family.’
Wait a minute, Lord. But my husband isn’t living a life in you right now. I need to be in control. I need to direct the spiritual warfare. I am the spiritual captain right now! If I let go, then who?
But God always has answers, you see. He made sure I knew right then and there that He was the captain. At that moment while I lay in bed trying to figure this puzzle out Hubby Dearest came in for the night and talked to me about everything going on in our life. We spoke about hurtful words and emotionally harmful choices. And God made sure I knew that was Him not me that lead that conversation. Although my prayers are still the most valid form of spiritual warfare, I must stop trying to lead where our battles go.
My need for control has gone so deep that I have taken away the pants in our family. Shame on me. I’m so focused on trying to do what is ‘right’ for my family I’m not asking God what he wants for my family. I have tried to take the lead position, a position in my family meant solely for my husband.
There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the Lord’s counsel- that will stand. Proverbs 19:21
So today, I pray. I pray for peace as I begin to let go. I pray for strength as I battle the internal fight for control. Most of all I battle for wisdom from the Lord. That I will know when He is pushing me forward and when He is telling me to hold back. I pray for my family as they unknowingly embark on this journey with me. I pray that I embrace the change in myself. I praise the Lord for the freedom I will feel knowing HE is in control of my life and that I happily sit in the passengers’ seat. I praise the Lord for the joy I will know in releasing what I can not have a say in. I praise the Lord for allowing me to be open to His criticism. Thank you Lord.
Proverbs 11:2 - 8
When pride comes, then comes shame, but with humility comes wisdom. The integrity of the upright shall guide them, but the perverseness of the treacherous shall destroy them. Riches don't profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death. The righteousness of the blameless will direct his way, but the wicked shall fall by his own wickedness. The righteousness of the upright shall deliver them, but the unfaithful will be trapped by evil desires. When a wicked man dies, hope perishes, and expectation of power comes to nothing. A righteous person is delivered out of trouble, and the wicked takes his place