Monday, 1 October 2012

Where, oh where??

Where, oh where has my motivation gone?

I have goals. I have dreams. I have always been good about doing what I need to do to accomplish what I want to. Yet...lately I feel so...BLAH!! It is really frustrating me...beyond what I can express. The worst part of all is that the more I go without doing my workouts and the longer I go keeping myself off schedule the harder it is becoming to get back on track!

I know a lot of you are probably like 'well, duh.' But for me this is becoming an ongoing daily struggle which zaps more and more energy from me.
Before I feel pregnant with LJ I had a goal to run the Comrades in South Africa. I've never really been a distance runner. Not because I can't but because I simply never put the time or effort into it. However, I LOVE running!! I love exercise. I love the feeling of pushing myself each time a little further and looking back going I didn't know I could physically or mentally make it this far! SO...I started working out again. I started running again. I started having myself and my family eat better. And guess what...I was feeling GREAT!! I was up to about 5km when...duh duh duh...EXHAUSTION struck. I should have known then! I should have picked up on the tell tell signs. But I was stubborn. I thought maybe my body and mind where just tackling a brick wall from so long out of the game. Yet, I was wrong. Because soon after (like within a week!) the nauseousness set in. Then it wasn't merely a matter of not being able to push as hard in my workouts but I was so SO tired. Yep...I was pregnant...again!
This was such a shock for us. It completely caught me off guard and as much as I tried I just couldn't keep it up during that first trimester. And now here I sit. Miserable with myself because every day I tell myself how tomorrow is the day it changes. I set my alarm and get up early sleep right the heck through it and get up in time to shower! Even if I do wake up I convince myself I can lay for 5 minutes....HAHAHA. Biggest LIE ever!
At this point I feel that the mental stress and anguish I am putting myself through is exhausting me more than anything physical about my pregnancy. In reality this has been a very EASY pregnancy for me. Yes I was sick daily until about 20 weeks but I could eat anything. I've slept fine. I am not extremely moody. So what is my deal here people??
Simply stated. It is mind over matter!
If I conceive I can't, my body achieves that. If I concieve I will, my body achieves that.
That's right...I said it! I've tried every trick in the book. I consistently put in my head the image of me crossing that finish line at the Comrades. My husband waiting for proud! Calling home and telling them I made my goal. That all the hard work they and I had put in has paid off. The feeling of knowing I just did a 90km RUN!! I can feel the adrenaline pumping now in my veins. I feel my heart rate rising at the thought of the elevation of self. I see the images and tears in my mind. My bones, my muscels, my ligaments and tendons ache for the pressure of the training.
There is just this one little voice in my head that makes it's annoying mark. It refuses to back down. It keeps reminding me how out of shape I am again. How I let myself fall back during pregnancy. How I've had to push this goal 2 years again.
A 90km marathon is not something you prepare for in a few months. No, I've got to start at the bottom again. I've got to work through the 10km, the half-marathon, finally getting a few marathons under me again before I can tackle that monster.
Oh I've had nightmares about this goal. It ramagaes through my subconcious like the test I didn't prepare for in high school. I have nightmares that I fall pregnant again half way through training. I've dreamt that I fall mid-way through the run getting a DNF. I've imagined every possible negative outcome. WHY???
My mind is trying to syke me out. Why allow myself to begin such a hard but needed task if I can convince myself that I'm never going to achieve it to begin with? Convince myself that I am setting myself up for failure and that I can't fail if I don't begin. But that is the SECOND BIGGEST LIE I'm telling myself.
BY REFUSING TO TRY I'VE ALREADY FAILED!!! I want this. I NEED this. I WILL achieve this.
Then why the heck can't I get myself at it again. I know my body can't take what it used to. But I need to be doing something! I can't just sit on my ass bum like it isn't going to affect me! I need to get up and moving.

So here is my plan....always with a plan!
I've written notes in my day journal everywhere that are little motivational pickme ups! I've plastered my desktop with a huge notice about how attitude is my problem. I've asked my husband to help out around the house. I've even gone as far as telling myself I'm not allowed ANY snacks if I don't workout (for a prego this is an extreme punishment!) I've even tried explaining to my toddler how HE needs to sleep at night so MOMMY can sleep at night so that I can exercise in the mornings!
I've written out the dream of me crossing the finish line and it is taped in front of my Bible. Weird to some but I know God is with me! He wants me to do this as much as I do. He is going to provide me the mental means necessary to achieve this!
With that is my motivation focus for the week! Pray with me!

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