Just then I hear my oldest cry out through the silence of the dark. It’s a nightmare cry. I pinch my eyes as I attempt to push back the contempt rising up within. Couldn’t we just get a couple of hours of sleep? Another cry comes out....this time from the baby as he has now also been woken. I quickly grab him up and head to my eldest’s room silently praying that this is over quickly....
Then the guilt comes. They need me. They need guidance and love as they learn the harshness of this world that I’m already all too aware of. Their pleas are signs of their desire to have me comfort them.
The day begins early....as do all of them....after a restless night. My youngest still isn’t sleeping through the night and I continue to allow worldly fears to steal my rest.
As I sit in prayer....I remember a blog post I read recently talking about the hardships of motherhood. Let’s face it....it’s a hard job. My day begins before the birds even begin chirping. I do my best to prepare the morning to have as little mishaps as possible but a spilt glass of milk, a fight over a toy, or every.single.shoe being drug out of the closet for fun is well, inevitable.
I labor the days hours wanting to put all of myself into my job. I believe in working as if the work I’m doing is for God himself and often forget that there is already little of me left to give. Often maintaining my strength in God is tested daily as I venture into the world.
I toil in my heart every morning as I prepare for work torn between wanting a career and to help support my family and between wanting to be home with the boys. This is only worsened if it is a day where the boys decide to cry at school. Their cries will continue to pierce my heart hours into my work day.
I spend many moments wondering how the kids days are going and store away a tear knowing Hubby is picking them up for school.....relishing their faces of joy as they tell stories of all that happened. I attempt to squeeze a stolen moment for coffee and my own time as blogs are getting behind....and social media hasn’t been updated.
Spent from the day...I take a deep breath as I cross the threshold of our home each evening. 11 hours has already been put in at work (not including the 2.5 hours before I arrived this morning) and we have a full night ahead. Dinner is started as we spend some family time playing and exchanging much needed attentions. Baths are poured.
Everyone must eat, floors need swept and the bathroom will once again need cleaned after bath time. Laundry is a daily task and school bags need repacked for the next day. We will prepare lunches and bottles, tidy up, feed dogs, and do dishes. We will read bible stories to the boys, say our goodnight prayers, and do our devotions....
All the while praying it was enough. All the while detailing every failure. All the while asking forgiveness for that which we missed.
Did they get enough attention? Did I listen hard enough or give the right amount of kisses?
Some days it all seems to blur together....self, family, parenting, marriage, and work. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is listening to my cries. Sometimes I wonder if my heart will ever lighten.
For many moms, they want their work recognized. I can understand this. I can understand wanting someone to say...wow, you keep such a nice home or it’s amazing how your kids clothes are always so well taken care of. Sometimes we just want someone to look around and say I see all that you’re doing....
But for me....I want to be heard. I want my endless quest for forgiveness to be heard. I want my middle of the night pleas for my laden heart to lessen. I want my prayers for my children’s future to be taken.
And then I am reminded....I have that! I am not alone! Jehovah Shama (Shaw Mah’) is I Am the Lord Who Hears.
In Genesis 16, Hagar runs from Sarai when she is angry with her for being pregnant.
Hagar meets God while in the desert and God reminds her that He KNOWS the truth and He knows her burdens and He hears her cries.
She gave him the name Jehovah Shama for He is the Lord who Hears.
It is in these moments that I am reminded of this one and only time God is referred to by this name and my heart is filled with joy. God hears me....he comforts me....he listens to my cries and knows what I carry. He takes it all for me!
Today, I pray that you know the God who hears! If you are unsure about Christ and what he can do for your life, please email me at shanamom2(@)gmail(dot)com. I'd love to talk more about it!
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