Thursday, 5 September 2013

A battle against self

Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the Almighty
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust."

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.
He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place, 
No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways. 
In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dast your foot against a stone.
You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

"Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; 
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him
With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation."

Psalm 91

Do you ever feel lost or out of control?

Jeeze, it seems like I feel this way a lot lately. Last night, some of our closest friends came to eat dinner. Me and C sat outside and talked a lot while Hubby Dearest waited for L to get off work. I love C and she is my best friend and I always know I can confide in her.

Lately I've been feeling inadequate. I always find beauty in the faces and actions of my loved ones. I see so much creativity and inspiration in my fellow bloggers. And I always feel convicted to praise Hubby for the things he does to help around the house.

But when it comes to myself, I have a very bad habit of beating myself down. Last night when C walks in, she compliments on how tidy and clean the house is! I immediately sing praises to Maggy (again that woman really needs her own post!) and silently begin criticizing everything that I need to do. If I leave anything for Maggy, I immediately feel guilty.

I feel I'm not being a good enough wife because I don't clean the kitchen EVERY night before bed. I feel like I'm not being a good enough mother because I'm not playing with my children enough.
I look around my house and see the TV cabinet that needs a good dust or the bathroom blinds that still haven't been hung. I silently dish on myself because I need to wash the walls over the weekend and notice that I haven't cleaned my pantry out this month before grocery shopping!

You see....I just don't add up to my own expectations. I have a 100 things todo list constantly running through my mind and I'm beating myself up constantly that it isn't getting done.

I confided in C last night that I felt like I just need to get away. I need a break. I.NEED.TO.LET.GO. I need to stop expecting more than I can possibly do and be happy for what I've done!

That is what this passage reminds me of today. I am good enough. God is willing to fight so many battles on our behalf...why am I sitting here creating meaningless ones then breaking down my self worth over what was never there to begin with?

Do my children need a clean home? Absolutely, but the TV cabinet can wait until a day when we aren't coloring or painting!

Would Hubby like the dishes down at night so we don't wake up to a messy kitchen? Of course, but not as much as he likes me sitting down with him after the boys are asleep and discussing they day.

The Psalmist didn't ask God if He would mind being His refuge or strength. He didn't ask God if it was a good idea to trust in Him!

He declared that God IS his refuge and fortress and that he would trust in Him.

This is what I'm speaking over my life....when the walls are closing in and I can't see up or down. When I'm so focused on the negative and the undone...I'm going to turn to my Refuge and Fortress. I'm going to go into God and lock that door and let Him battle out my worries and fears. Because this is truly a battle against the self!

I'm going to allow the Lord to wage the war on my behalf against everything telling me I'm not worth it! Because you know what...I'm NOT worth it but God tells us differently! Despite everything we do wrong, He does it all for us!

SO....Lord, here is my internal battle with wanting to do more, be better, act's yours! Make me enough! Make me content! Let me rest in You! I call on You now and You promised to answer! I call on You to lift this burden of constantly needing to do. Allow me peace in what is done and live in the moment of happiness with my family! I praise you for already answering! Amen

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Shana Danae..

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