Thursday, 12 September 2013

I am NOT a breast-dummy....Please, HELP!

I’ve mentioned before that I breastfed LJ for the first 5 months. I actually would have loved to continue but, alas, my son is on his own mission in life and didn’t exactly feel it was necessary to follow his mom’s 5 step planning action!

When LJ was 7 weeks old, I began to slave away returned to work. Peeps, I’m such an amazing employee I went back to work after only two months of maternity leave. In SA, we get four months but it is unpaid. Really, though, I just couldn’t handle four months of work just sitting there....I would have needed another vacation upon returning and catching up! So...I bartered and at first I only returned half day. (It was pure bliss...I got me time and enough time with the terrorists angel children. I go back to this any day of the week!) After those two months (what would have been the remainder of my maternity leave) I began full time again.

I thought we were doing great. When I went to work, I pumped. LJ took the milk fine through a bottle and when I was at home he fed directly from the breast. This was perfect for the first month. But then I started noticing he wanted to be at the breast CONSTANTLY. Like...If I could have fashioned him to my chest...he would have remained there permanently!

So, we started a supplement feeding in the evenings with formula. He continued to drink from the breast at regular intervals and I continued to pump.

Slowly, however, LJ quit drinking breast milk from a bottle. He would literally sit the whole day while I was at work and drink nothing! I thought he was contemplating torture. Yet, if we made him formula...he took it immediately. What’d I tell you...on his own mission.

I started getting downhearted but I’d vowed myself that I would be content and happy to breast feed as long as he wanted and I would be thankful for whatever time it lasted.

When I finally returned full day, I continued to pump, but going 11 hours without him actually being at the breast was uncomfortable and I started getting over the pumping. Oh please, let me be honest, I was ready to throw that pump onto oncoming traffic then submerge it at the bottom of the Atlantic, but I knew I had to continue my Bessie endeavors.

He wasn’t drinking the pumped milk. I was doing it only to keep my supply up. I pumped and threw out (there isn’t anywhere in my area to donate milk! So don’t you start your holier than thou I know best nonsense!). He drank formula all day and would go to the breast in the evening.

Alas, eventually, LJ quit going to the breast in the evening too. I’m not sure why...but he just preferred his bottle. Little dude can’t make up his mind! It was a little insanely nerve racking! I was thankful for the time we had. I was a little sad to see our time over.

But suddenly, life was actually a little bit easier. I could sit with the family (BIL was living with us so I couldn’t exactly feed in the lounge) at dinner time and other times. I didn’t isolate myself when we were at friend’s houses for a braai and Hubby could handle LJ in the evenings while I cooked dinner. I was starting to remember what normal was....holy crap I could drink a glass of wine! I may have salivated at the first glass that touched my lips. Hubby may have had to pull the glass from my prying fingers after the second glass. There may have been a moment of catastrophe until I realized this glass of wine wasn’t a once of event!

Though, after about a month of this...he started searching for the breast again.

Please imagine me with my mouth hanging open literally grasping at words to ask “WHAT THE FRACK?!”

 It began at night. He would cry and cry until I let him suckle. There is no milk mind you. NO MILK! But he’d suckle and fall asleep.

So I tried to give him a nuknuk (dummy, binkie). He play with it! It made a great noise against the tiles. He could throw it and crawl after it. He’d put it in my mouth and take it away. But he refused to actually use the darn thing. (!)

Then he started wanting to go to the breast again when I got home from work. He would crawl all over me...cry and be unreasonable until I finally let him suckle.

And now we’re here.

Peeps I need to be honest. When I was breast feeding all was fine and dandy. I was doing something good for him. We had this awesome bond and time together. He enjoyed the milk...I could tell by his smiles.

But...this isn’t breast feeding. This is breast....breast....breast dummying! Genuinely, peeps I’m loosing my bloody mind!

We’re sleep training. I talked a little about it here. It’s working well. LJ drinks a bottle and goes to his crib. He goes to sleep. Because he is such an angel right!

Then...around 2:30 am...he wakes up and will not settle until he gets his mouth on my frackin’ breast! THERE IS NOTHING COMING OUT KIDDO!

If I leave him to scream it out at that time in the morning then Lil Mister is also awake and I’m effectively screwed for sleep. Because in Lil Mister’s mind, LJ screaming in the middle of the night is his alarm for middle of the night, let’s keep all sleep from mommy, I want tea and Barney shows party!

So, you know what I do? Oh, please you totally know what I do!

I lay LJ in between Hubby and me on the bed and pop one out for him. And he closes his eyes, suckles and goes to sleep. A few minutes later, I return him to his crib for another two hours until he’s like my shampoo...wash, rinse, repeat. Only, it completely fails to mention when to STOP this process!

I want my girls back. I want my body back. I could do this if I was still providing some kind of nutrition but I’m just his human form of a bloody nuknuk....and quite honestly, it’s pretty darn uncomfortable for me!

I keep saying I’m just going to stop him cold turkey...but then he looks at me with these eyes and his little lip quivers and he reaches and grabs for me and....of course I give in! I’m not frackin’ heartless (just boobless!).

Please, friends....what am I supposed to do?

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Shana Danae..

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