I haven’t blogged in a while about my PPD.
If you weren’t aware, then yes, I am in a daily
struggle with postpartum depression. You can check up on it at my PPD page.
I guess I haven’t been writing about it because, well,
it’s just become a part of our daily lives. But I figured I’d let you guys peek
in on our daily world a little bit!
It is far from gone out of my life. I still face it
each morning the moment I open my eyes. Truthfully, it is a battle I begin
before my eyes even open. The moment the alarm begins to sound, I can feel the
emotions waging war against each other.
The “in control” side of me rationally says, ‘Shana,
it is time to get up and get ready for work. You know you need to be up now
because if not your morning is rushed.’
The PPD side of me tries to find any reason possible
as to why I must stay in bed longer and push of the responsibilities of the
day.
See that is what PPD does to me. It affects each of us
slightly different, but for me….it causes me to retreat and hide. It makes me
turn away from the world, because, well, the world just becomes too much for me
to handle.
Really, it’s as if the world is happening around me
but I’m just not a part of it.
So, PPD Shana tells me that it’s cold and that LJ
wants to eat again or that I can push it for just 5 more minutes. All of this
seems like normal reasons, I know it is more. It is simply me wanting any
reason to not face the day.
From there, I get up. I have to. I have two kids, a
husband, and a full time job. I must get up. Unfortunately, I’m still fighting
this battle to a point where I am not getting up as early as I’d like, nor
allowing myself to have time to workout in the mornings.
This brings up my next obstacle to overcome. I’m on my best game for the day if I can get a morning workout in. It’s like I sweat out my demons before the day begins and go in with a clean slate. This isn’t happening at the moment so I’m loosing out on my number one form of therapy!
From here, I need my day to go without relative bumps
or change. I’m still taking the medication the doctor gave me three times a
day. It is a relatively low dosage and I’m hoping through self coping systems
I’ve learnt that I can keep it this way.
I plan my day. Yes, I realize that things do not go
exactly to a T so rather I give myself an outline. I prioritize everything. I
access the importance and value of each person and activity. I create lists. I form
my to-do list, my tasks, my grocery items and my errands. I list phone calls
that need to be made and emails to respond to. I do all of this because I can
then see in writing what is next. I can make changes and I don’t have the
pressure inside me to keep in all in line.
For some reason, seeing the things in writing make
them more substantial. As if I can now physically handle them where before they
were only in my mind.
My evenings must also flow smoothly. I feed LJ the
moment I get home from work. I begin to cook dinner and play with Lil Mister.
We eat as a family and then watch the news and then the boys’ bath. I need the
routine….no matter how tired I am. I need to keep the routine so that there are
not surprises.
Surprises (not like Hubby coming home with
flowers…that is good! Although it will stress me out because now I need to
squeeze in the time to cut the stems and treat the water and put them in the
vase and find a home for them…this change to my evening routine stresses me
out! My heart is racing thinking about it.) do not sit well with me at this
moment. I’m blessed because Hubby understands this. He is giving me notice on
just about everything. If a friend phones him wanting to braai or get together
for dinner, he phones me immediately. If they ask after about 1pm, he usually
automatically tells them no. When he asks me if I am willing, he makes sure to
ask what I need him to do to accomplish our plans. He offers help and tries to
stick to an easy routine with me. He just gets that I need this right now.
Does it mean if things go astray that the wheels come
off the train??
Not necessarily. We have those days…we have kids…things happen. I just watch for triggers.
Not necessarily. We have those days…we have kids…things happen. I just watch for triggers.
Too much caffeine is a big one and sugar. I’ve cut
down on both of these for both my PPD and for healthy living choices. Along
with this goes eating better. I need to eat regularly. When my blood sugar
begins to drop, then my mood does to. If I allow this, then I’m lost before I
know it.
I surround myself with daily messages. If I read a
quote that touches me, I type it into my email tasks with an alarm or schedule
an alarm on my phone calendar. Later in the week that quote will randomly pop
up for me.
I’ve begun cutting from life negative things and
people. Childish and immature old friends have been deleted from my social
media. This is not to be mean but I need to clean up my social life to ensure
I’m staying healthy. I need cleanliness for my mind.
The biggest trigger has been clutter, though. I seem
to come apart at the seams when clutter comes into my life. In my house, at
work, in my purse…it all needs organization. The old saying a place for
everything and everything in its place seems to ring like therapy for me. When
a day is just too much, I start to de-clutter and slowly everything seems to
become a little easier.
By the end of the day, I’m exhausted again. I normally
fall asleep right now along with the boys at bedtime. I would like to raise my
energy levels and am working on this. The emotional toll of PPD seems to
exhaust all my reserves. My mind works constantly throughout the day, refusing
rest or release and therefore by the time we turn the bedroom lights out and
sit with the boys for bedtime…I am spent. Each week I set myself an additional
night time task as a goal to add to the previous one to work myself slowly into
a new routine. This seems to be accomplishing a lot both for my self esteem and
my energy levels.
In essence, I’m allowing the OCD part of me to take a
little bit of center stage while changing life style habits to reflect a
healthier and positive whole. Conquering PPD is not a simple answer of getting
my head on straight. This is a battle in which is fought on many fronts. It is
a combination of the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
Taking time out for myself once a week whether a nice
relaxing bath or a walk alone to a local café for coffee is essential to
defragging my brain.
I’m also meeting weekly with a close friend for a
Bible study in which I bring all of this to the Lord and ask Him for guidance
into the next week.
It seems like a lot and quite confusing but
essentially the key to success has been simplicity. Set a routine, write it
down, get away a little, and pray a lot. Eat healthy and move my body!!
Other days….I write a rambling blog like this one ;-)
XOXxx
Shana Danae..
No comments:
Post a Comment