Monday, 27 May 2013

Mommy Guilt

One of my biggest fears when I found out I was pregnant with LJ was how it would affect Lil Mister.
As my pregnancy came to a close and we got closer to the day in which we would welcome LJ into our family, my fears grew stronger.
How would Lil Mister react? Would he accept LJ? Will LJ like him? Will one of them feel left out? How will I divide my time? Will my love change? How will I have enough love?

All of these questions zoomed within my mind and it was very overwhelming. Lil Mister had been our baby. He was our first born and for nearly two years, he was the center of our family’s universe. I say family because we lived as one BIG family and he was the only grandchild and only nephew. He was singular and had no needs or wants unattended to and no awareness of what it was like to share his family.

Shortly before my due date, he began to say things like ‘My Ouma’ ‘My Oupa’ ‘My Papa’ ‘My Mama.’ I feared this possessiveness. It was not limited to his grandparents and parents. It stretched to each and every member of his family. We were ‘his’ and he desired to stretch that ownership.

We spoke often of LJ and how much he would love Lil Mister. We told Lil Mister to kiss LJ inside Mommy’s belly and we would tell LJ goodnight as a family. We tried our best to prepare Lil Mister.

Most of my fears were….pointless.
Lil Mister immediately took to LJ in the hospital and insisted on holding him and made sure everyone knew it was ‘My LJ.’ When it came time to come home, I was once again nervous but relieved when Lil Mister repeated this excitement towards LJ and was happy to hold and kiss all over him.

I’m so blessed in the since that thus far, they have seemingly become friends. LJ is still a bit of a novelty to Lil Mister. Now that LJ is more active Lil Mister is beginning to realize that sharing comes with the story of a little brother. Occasionally I get a glimpse of beauty when Lil Mister willingly hands LJ a toy of sorts. LJ is always overjoyed with laughter when Lil Mister plays with him.

The look in LJ’s eyes towards Lil Mister is beauty and perfection within itself. The love is just as natural to him as breathing.

Lil Mister cannot stand to hear LJ cry and immediately tells me I must pick LJ up if he is crying. He comes quickly to LJ’s aid and tries his best to comfort him and even asks me what LJ wants.

The joy is overwhelming. But with it, one fear remains….

Lil Mister was my baby. My first born. He is no longer a baby though and with the introduction of LJ I’ve remembered how much time a baby takes.
The mommy guilt weighs heavy on my heart as I wonder if I’ve given Lil Mister the attention he needs. Have I played enough with him? Was I too short tempered (because Lil Mister is also in his two’s!!)? Does he know I still love him just as much, possibly even more as each day passes? Does he understand that I love him and LJ without doubt, without change or subtraction? Does he get his needs met, beyond food, shelter, etc???

I wonder if I’m the only Mom who fears this with multiples. I wonder if you also feel like you’re stretched thin and not meeting their needs. I wonder if the children feel this.

I was an only child; so this world is completely new to me! I have no idea what children feel towards their siblings and my biggest fear in parenting at this moment is that one child will feel that another is loved more, because this is SO not true!

How do I make sure they both know they are equal in my eyes and loved just the same and that they have every ounce of love possible???

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